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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands friends

22 replies

Slimemonster · 15/10/2022 08:14

A small group of husbands colleagues have become firm friends with him over the last 12 months - in particular 3 females. He now regularly meets up with either all 3 females together, or separately with them for lunch dates/tea and cake/evenings out/tea in their homes.
He has refused to introduce me to them when I have asked. He says they are just his friends, not our friends.
So I either stay home with the children (we have no family or childcare) or he arranges his meet ups on days he knows I'm at work - therefore I can't ask to be included.
I've heard through mutual friends that two of the women are questionable and not to be trusted around men due to them both having affairs with married men. He has defended them when I mentioned this. My mental health has suffered as a result and I feel lonely/unwanted.
Not really sure what to do from here, just looking for advice or a hand hold I guess.

OP posts:

Notbeinfunnehbut · 15/10/2022 08:16

The fact he is refusing to introduce you is a big red flag I think you need to be prepared that the relationship isn’t a good one to be in.

EndersGame · 15/10/2022 08:34

Men can have friends with women and it can be just that. I have a couple of very close female friends, but, and this is the important bit, they all know my wife and she isn't excluded from any meetup that takes place.

I think you need to discuss this with him in much more detail.

Jibo · 15/10/2022 08:44

This is not nice behaviour. Can you think of any other way in which your husband is unkind to you?

Original poster

Slimemonster · 15/10/2022 08:47

EndersGame · 15/10/2022 08:34

I think you need to discuss this with him in much more detail.

I think I wouldn't be so concerned if I had been included in a handful of meet ups so I could judge the situation for myself.
He's not interested in more conversation about it. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable as he's saying they are just friends. He just says oh il stop seeing them then. But he doesn't, plus he sees them at work 1 to 1 also.

OP posts:

Original poster

Slimemonster · 15/10/2022 08:50

Jibo · 15/10/2022 08:44

This is not nice behaviour. Can you think of any other way in which your husband is unkind to you?

Not particularly, there's no financial or physical abuse.
I do the lions share of the household/parenting/schooling etc due to working less hours.

OP posts:

sweatyannie · 15/10/2022 08:50

How 'regular' are these meet ups ?

Pansypotter123 · 15/10/2022 08:53

How much time is he spending with them? How much money is he spending on with them?

Pansypotter123 · 15/10/2022 08:53

Sorry that should have said on with them

SallyWD · 15/10/2022 09:01

My DH has female friends through work but he's invited me along to some (not all) of their meet ups. I feel better knowing who they are and seeing the dynamic between them. He doesn't meet them that often. Maybe once every couple of months.
I think it's a bit strange that your DH is meeting them so frequently and refusing to introduce you! Are you sure it's not actually one woman in particular and they're not having an affair?

Original poster

Slimemonster · 15/10/2022 09:09

sweatyannie · 15/10/2022 08:50

How 'regular' are these meet ups ?

Weekly at the moment, previously fortnightly, sometimes less - over summer for example when he had the children more on his days off whilst I was working.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2022 09:10

Would you be able to do the same with a male colleague if you wished? Ie go over 121 to their house for lunch whilst your h stayed home with your children?

Original poster

Slimemonster · 15/10/2022 09:11

Pansypotter123 · 15/10/2022 08:53

How much time is he spending with them? How much money is he spending on with them?

A few hours each meet up, plus time together at work.
Just enough money for tea and cake or breakfast or lunch - depends what time of day he goes to meet them.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2022 09:13

Even if you haven't got anywhere to go. Just go anywhere and pretend! ' Just to let you know I'm off our next Saturday night with my friend Bob. Going at about 5pm and should be back around 10pm.' Or whatever he says to you when he's sorting his.

Alcemeg · 15/10/2022 09:14

It sounds as though he sees them as a kind of "perk" at work, that you're just not entitled to participate in.

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 09:16

This is terrible OP. He sounds dreadful.

If he won't introduce you then I would be getting myself prepared for a bombshell down the line. Even if the other 2 wen were deemed "trustworthy" by others, I would say the same.

Pansypotter123 · 15/10/2022 10:16

Do you get equal time out leaving him to look after your children?

jeaux90 · 15/10/2022 10:25

And do you get to go out and see your friends or do something you enjoy?

Bramblejoos · 15/10/2022 10:28

Speak to a solicitor so you know what would happen if you divorced. Then there will be options open to you.
let’s face it the women must also know this an odd setup.

America12 · 15/10/2022 10:36

Nice bit of female blaming - It's your husband you're supposed to trust not some random females.

Bramblejoos · 15/10/2022 10:43

I don’t think im blaming them more thinking that they must have vested reasons for this. Which bodes poorly for OP unless her DH is some George Clooney type no one can resist.

Badbaddogagain · 15/10/2022 10:46

How would he be if the boot was in the other foot?

Dery · 15/10/2022 12:38

I think your H is being unreasonable and deliberately obtuse. Occasional meet-ups would be fine but this sounds like too much time out of family life especially if your children are still of an age to need adult supervision, meaning that you can’t go out if he’s out.

My DH has a couple of good female friends - he sees them maybe once every few months. I’ve met them and sometimes I’m invited to join. I have similar with a few male friends. But mostly DH and I socialise together.

I think he knows he’s taking the piss. That’s why he shuts down the conversation rather than discussing it with you civilly.

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