Overbearing FIL

[Sthldnmum]

My FIL phones my dh everyday, often more than once. He’ll ring and ring until my dh answers. He demands to see (via WhatsApp) my dd every day and my husband will always oblige, interrupt what she’s doing and shove his phone in her face (she’s 20 mths old). She’s mostly disinterested!

He also expects to see her, and therefore us, every weekend/ every other weekend, for an entire day. He adores my dd and is lovely with her, so it’s important they have time together, but I just find it too much. He’s always there. On the phone or in person.

He guilt trips my dh to see him. I hear the conversations and he’s unbelievably manipulative and controlling. My husband is basically left with no choice, if he says no, his dad hangs up and goes off in a huff and the whole day can be ruined as my dh is left upset and trying to make amends. It’s sad, as it’s all down to my FIL being lonely and insecure.

My FIL never married and my dh is his only child, so my husband feels obliged to be there for him, which I do admire, but it negatively impacts in our marriage. The constant phone calls and bickering between them (they always bicker!) imposes on our evenings and is so intrusive. My FIL is the one of the only things we argue about. He’s like the third wheel in our marriage!

He’s quite old and I now have the guilt that he won’t be around forever so it’s important he sees his gd as much as possible. I can’t argue with that as I’d feel awful if my dh is left with regret. So what? I just have to put up and shut up until he dies?! Spend the next 10-15 years having my life controlled by my FIL? It’s miserable. I’m miserable.

I speak to my dh about the issues frequently,, asking him to set boundaries eg fewer phone calls, stop expecting to see his so often, but nothing changes. They’re in this cycle of dependency and I can’t change that. I’m not sure it’s my place to interfere with their relationship.

I guess the only thing I can do is change my attitude, as I hate the things I say and how I feel. I don’t want to feel all this anger and resentment. I just feel stifled and trapped and that my free time is being controlled, so I lash out at my dh.

What can I do to cope better with this?

He sounds hellish, poor you and DP, your little one needs to hear people giving him some clear boundaries. If your husband supportive forward FIL number to another phone. Tell FIL that it’s too much and that it will be x time twice a month and deal with the massive sad-on for the next 6 weeks. He will grow up eventually…

@MarieIVanArkleStinks an engulfer!! What a term! I’ll definitely check out the book. Thanks for the recommendations all.

Why not tell FiL that you can only take calls at certain points in the day

’dad I’m busy making dinner, I’ll call you back’

ring back then after a few minutes

’dad I need to go as I’m doing bath time now’

if dad complains ‘well we are seeing you in a few days and we can catch up then properly’

there is ways to manage this kindly

If your Mil and your own parents made the same demands of you every single weekend would be taken up.

What about nuclear family time, seeing friends, fostering friendships for your DD from nursery/toddlers/school in coming years, DD going to activities etc.

I couldn’t live like that, and I’m not surprised you can’t either. For me it would be time for DH to stand up for his nuclear family and protect us.

Fil pop round for coffee a week on Saturday if you like… we will be home until noon then off to friends for lunch.

Book a nail appointment and suggest your DH and FIL take DD to soft play etc for 2hrs… after that your off to meet your parents for coffee with DH and DD.

Unfortunately that won’t work for us Fil, we are free the last Sunday of the month though.. etc.

The constant calls and FaceTimes would stop altogether if he can’t behave like a responsible adult. 7 days to one call/FaceTime Tue, Thurs, Sun?

Having 1 full day every weekend with FIL is unreasonable. Surely you have other family you would like to spend time with too, as well as thing to do as a family unit. Your dd will not want to spend half her weekend at FIL’s when she is a child. She will have activities, friends to see etc. make a stand now how you intend to move forward.
see FIL 3 hours every second weekend. If he could join you at a park or play center it would help too.

I wouldn’t let him speak to your dd every day. She should not be used to fulfill his happiness. She is her own person not a tool.

My husband is basically left with no choice, if he says no, his dad hangs up and goes off in a huff and the whole day can be ruined as my dh is left upset and trying to make amends.

The thing is ... to adult children who have functional families, there IS a choice.
DH feels he has no choice because he is locking into the dtnamic of FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt, which tricks people with dysfunctional relatives into response patterns which are counterproductive.

DH needs to reframe the whole way he views his relationship with his father.
I suggest you introduce him to the 'toolbox' section of this site -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

... because a HEALTHY response is "not today dad, but we'll see you on the 20th for lunch as planned" - & then just let FiL crack on with his sulking.
No trying to make amends, no pandering, no getting sucked into the guilt trip.
No feeling upset.
I know that's simplistic - but please make a start on the Out Of The Fog website. It is packed with advice & resources, & neither you or DH can sustain FiL's unhealthy demands indefinitely.

@Blondebakingmumma i totally agree that these shouldn’t be used to keep him happy. She’s a person not an object!