Some advice needed

[mill0987]

Hey all. Guy here. Some advice needed. I’ve been in a long term relationship so some time. I care for my other half very deeply, and am very sentimental, and care for her emotionally more than I can describe. However, the intimacy/sex is practically non-existent and I’m not sure how much longer I can stay in this situation. We’ve discussed it, but never reach any meaningful conclusion. Breaking up just because of this would be painful and seems sad, especially after so much emotional investment. But I am out of ideas as to how to fix things. Has anyone ever been in this situation? If so, did things get better?

What did she sag the issue was when you discussed it?

Yeah, you twist that thing, and press that button, and turn around just so, and sex pops out.

That’s the thing, the issue can never really be pinned down. It’s like we care for each other but the attraction is just dead. We still cuddle, but that’s it. Maybe we just aren’t suited anymore and the attraction is just too far gone.

Right, so have you actually ASKED her? And, needless to say, nicely, what is going on?

I think you need to talk with her and make it clear that you aren't happy with the non physical side of things and if things don't change then you'll sadly have to part ways. It's difficult as you obviously care for her deeply. Have you tried to instigate intimacy? Maybe start slow, just kissing and affection at first and see if you can build up to more. You both have to make the effort and be on-board. I have 2 small children and sometimes I am so tired and don't feel like intimacy but make the effort with my partner as a relationship needs intimacy and affection.

I’ve tried that. There is literally zero initiation. She just doesn’t seem interested, and seems to prefer me more as a live-in sort of friend, even though things are clearly reaching breaking point. I’ve said many times - we can’t be in this position in day 12 months. But no change. How much I care emotionally also means that an open arrangement won’t work for now either.

Feels like this is the result of possibly over-caring and maybe acting more like a father figure / friend than a partner.

All you can do is be open and honest with her about your feelings about a sexless relationship going forward. Some people can live like that but not many. (I did, for four years, but it was unsustainable)

I would say she doesn't fancy you anymore. If all your interactions are designed to get her to put out, to have sex, including you being 'nice' and being 'emotional', then she will probably have got the major ick with you. Sex is not transactional in this way if it is between two people who are attracted to each other.

But I do not hear anything from you regarding what she has said when you have discussed this? I hear that you have told her that it can't go on , but what has she actually said is the problem?

Do you fancy her? Does she fancy you?

Because when it comes down to the bare bones of it...that's what this is about. Not emotional investment or whatever! Do you want to jump her senseless...and does she want to ride you into the next kingdom 🤷‍♀️

If not...then you're nothing more than housemates really.

So you just decided to end it and move on?

I get basically nothing from her when I ask about what the actual problem is. Maybe she feels she can’t be totally honest. Either way - when I actually write this down and explain it to others, it doesn’t really matter what the problem is. There is no attraction and the answer is probably that she doesn’t fancy me anymore. She’s just comfortable living in this situation and continuing as is, rather than experiencing some upheaval.

It might not be about attraction!

she’s probably got no sex drive - it’s quite common

I’ve not been in this position but have seen other posters confirm that they have left a relationship because the sexual intimacy had been lacking for a long time and attempts to fix it had failed. As a PP said, some people can live like that, some can’t. Only you know whether you can.

You mention having acted more like a father than a partner towards her. If that’s so, then that might be a factor.

Then again, you say nothing about what else is going on in her life. Do you have young children? Is she busy with them all day? Is she in a very demanding paid job? Has she gone through any upsetting life events recently? Etc. You don’t have to answer here but there may be other factors which are the problem.

No other factors really. We both have busy jobs but nothing crazy. It’s manageable and we both have plenty of spare time. No kids, no big life events, no trauma. It’s just us.

Or at least not with me anymore. And that’s OK. Something I have to accept. It’s just painful to break such a strong emotional bond.

Do you feel you made the right decision with moving on?

I’ve asked. And get basically nothing back. No actual reason. Just a ‘yes, we’ll fix it’ sort of response.

Well clearly things haven't been 'fixed' so I think you need to give her an ultimatum and a time frame if this is what you want. Your other approaches seem to have fallen on deaf ears. You also have to be prepared to follow through if things don't get fixed

Absolutely. It wasn’t straightforward though and I’m not sure my situation mirrors yours that closely really. I stopped wanting to have sex with my XH. It coincided with perimenopause so I thought ‘well that’s that re sex, but we’re emotionally connected so the relationship itself will continue’. He wasn’t happy with that and behaved badly, and I called time. I then met someone else and lo!, sex drive has come roaring back. My analysis now is that My loss of sex drive for him was caused by some fundamental problems that developed within the relationship that I did not/could not acknowledge. counselling really helped me work through it.

Been there got the tshirt.

we only had sex once in 4 long years.
This was over 10 years ago. Back before anyone knew what asexual was.

I kept telling him he was asexual becomes he had no urge for sex. He would deny it. He would say he had no desire or urge for sex and didn’t understand why I wanted/needed it. He thought I was odd because I would beg him for it. In the end I left. I would have rather be alone than in a sexless marriage

She may be the same. She may not feel the need for sex.

How are things going, OP? It's really difficult isn't it. I was in this situation for years.

So then you just said 'OK'?

What about telling her you need to get this issue sorted out? What about telling her it's important to you? What about telling her that you won't stay in a sexless relationship, so if she keeps refusing to communicate with you, you can't stay with her?