Mum and sister again. V fed up.

[Mumblesmummy]

Hi everyone.

I whinged a whinged when my sister totally ignored me when i got pregnant. She and her DH didn't speak to me for 3 months and I talked about it a lot on here and got very good advice. Then she got pregnant with twins so she saw fit to speak to me again.

Anyway, things had improved loads and we'd been getting on well. Until today.

We're both teachers- she's full time and I'm part time because I'm still training. I asked mum a few months ago what was happening about childcare, as I knew my sister had been whinging that mum would be looking after my baby.

That's not the case because DPs family are all desperate to play a part too, and I'm only working part time anyway as I want to spend as much time as poss with babba. However, i do want my baby to be able to spend a morning or two a week with my mum as she's an AMAZING mum and I want him to have one to one time with his nana.

So today i find out she wants my mum to look after her twins the full five days a week that her and her DP work, when they are born, a couple of months after my baby is due.

This means that if my baby was to go and see his nana while I'm working, there will always be two slightly younger babies there being looked after. Which i feel is too many for her to look after anyway as it's not fair, she's already raised her own 3 children.

This means that not only will I not be able to have my mum (the person i am most comfortable with looking after him) looking after my baby, but I will have to send him to DPs mum, auntie (who's like DPs 2nd mum), sister, or maybe a baby group at the college (only if it's good- if not, he can just got to DPs family for the 12 hours a week I'll be working).

I just think it is sooooooooooooo selfish. She acts as though my baby's totally unimportant or doesn't exist anyway, when he is the single most important thing in the world to me and DP. My mum is really excited about my baby coming and she wants to spend time with him- but I just cannot see how it will work.

At the weekends, my dad and brother are at home so it's not the same. Plus my DPs off some of the weekend so we'll be visiting people, doing family things etc etc.

I'm just really put out. And I find her to be so selfish.

But what can i do??

I have read this thread with my mouth dropped open, why is your sister having children if she only wants to spend 1.5 days with them per week from them being the age of 6 weeks old????? Does she not realise she will be up in the night several times feeding them (as they are going to be prem) I cannot see how she can go back to work and give her students enough of herself to help them through their GCSE's. In fact they could still be in special care! Has it even occurred to her that they might not be healthy?

I'm all for parents should return to work if it's what they need to do to make them happy or finances just don't give you a choice. I think she is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Any chance your Dad will put his foot down with your sister? I think your sister feels owed and nothing your parents do will stop her having that attitude. Why is she expecting your Mum to look after her dc 55 days per week when she is not prepared to do it herself.

I hope your sister changes her attitude to motherhood when they are born or I can see PND on its way.

I posted this on the other thread on AIBU.

Is your sister older or younger than you?.
(I have now read that she is the elder of you two).

This goes far deeper than just childcare issues.

Methinks that the roots of all this goes back far earlier to how you were both treated as siblings by your parents. Your sister may actually feel that she got the raw deal in that family unit. I'm not excusing her behaviours at all but that point may be worth thinking about. I think this sister is very envious/jealous of you but with jealousy goes low self esteem. Her controlling husband undoubtedly makes her feel emotionally worse and will continue to do so until she herself sees him for what he really is.

How much of this do you think is actually also coming from her controlling husband?. It sounds to me like she's also afraid of him. Such men do go all out to isolate their spouses from family members; its typical behaviour of such absuive men. On a wider level no-one seems to be able to stand up to him (your Mum has brought meals over to them in the past). I think your Mum is rightly worried to be worried about your sister being married to someone as controlling as he is.

Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. It may give you some insight into how such men operate.

I also have a friend/associate who had IVF (singleton) and her baby was so precious she was not able to do ANY housework and could only work part time for her ENTIRE pregnancy because she was too tired and too busy growing a baby - complete nutter!!!!! I do know other people who've had long term infertility (10 years) and IVF and they were so much more balanced and "normal" about it all!

I have this on 2 threads- one here and one on AIBU because I didn't know where it fit in.

Cargirl- I think she'll struggle financially if she doesn't work full time as she has a big mortgage and things, but still, I can't understand her working full time from them being 6 weeks old either. I've a feeling that that will somehow change, though i can't guarantee it, and she seems to think otherwise. I reckon dad will put his foot down as it's so unfair on mum. I mean, she loves babies and she's great with them, but it's not her time to be a mum all over again. 50s when you're past that. My sister wouldn't get a chance to have PMD because her DH is too controlling and so she has to panda to his every whim. It's him who gets to have the moods, even while she's pregnant. It's him who stopped her talking to me and my mum when I got pregnant too. The reason my sister feels like a failure from the IVF is because he told her all along she was useless because she couldn't conceive.

Attila- I answered on the other post more so, but in a nut shell, he's not abusive, he's just controlling, and older than her and she totally thinks the world of him. Mum's always too worried to upset her as she wants to be supportive as she knows she doesn't get any support at home from him because he's such hard work. I'll deffo read the book!!!

I think Attila is very right there is obviously lots more going on. It sounds like a nightmare all around. I wonder if their marriage is going to survive the arrival of twins?

"he's not abusive, he's just controlling"

What would you otherwise call controlling behaviour?. I just want you to think some more about exactly what he is doing to your sister - a person whose sense of self worth and esteem was shaky for whatever reasons to start with. You did not cause that to happen in any way but her perceptions of growing up are likely to be far less happy than yours.

He is acting abusively towards her by making her do his every command and cutting her off from the very people whom she needs the most - your Mum and yourself. He wants her ideally in a cage.

I can see why you challenge that assertion; he is probably very plausible (note I did not use the word nice) to all he comes across in the outside world.

Do read the book (BTW there are extracts of it online). Your Mum should also read it after your good self.

It goes without saying that your sister should read it as well but she is likely not as yet ready.

i'm really shocked by your sister's behaviour. i think she's going to get a serious wakeup call when the twins arrive. the shit will hit the fan, because she'll realise that she can't just leave 6 week olds for 5.5 days a week.

Attila- she seriously thinks the sun shines out his arse so i can't see her ever reading things like that as she's always defending him no matter what. Mum will deffo read it.

I didn't realise what a mess it all was until I put it all down and now I think we sound really rough, which we're not. It's just that everything has come to a head since we got pregnant. Hormones don't help obviously.

I have to just put it all out of my head, i think, or else it will drive me mad. I'll talk to my mum closer to the time, and I think I need to cut my sister some slack considering she probably doesn't get much say in anything anyway. But it infuriates me how they take the piss out of my mum all the time by getting her to do every last thing for them (even take their shopping to them and things). It's just got to me this time. There's no way around it that I can see for the moment, so hopefully they'll come to their senses and decide to get a child minder for a couple of days a week. Then mum will have a couple of days off.

I feel for you. I sincerely think your sis will have a huge wake-up call when the babies are born and so will her H. I does not bode very well to be honest, the comments she is making and the plans she has seem really unrealistic for one child let alone two possibly prem newborns who will need their Mummy. I think it is appaling she did not speak to you when you fell PG - I mean just think about that for a second. I suspect she will be hugely competative with you on every developmental stage with the babies. Sorry to say it but I predict a fall for your sister; also I think your Mum needs to be more upfront and honest about her limitations.