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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Male female friendship for 27 years, but is it?

2 replies

crudo · 14/10/2022 13:28

Long post but I will try my best to keep it short. I am confused. I am in my 40s and have a close male friend (BF) from school. All these years we have been in touch. Despite living abroad he is always very helpful. Helps in big life changing situations as he is a solicitor. He also helped me divorce etc. My father passed away, my BF was helping with all the legal stuff. Moving my stuff from my marital home (I couldn't be in the country), my BF sorted it. He is also my confidant and knows a lot. Any text message, replies very quickly considering he is a partner in a law firm and a busy man. All these years there was nothing romantic between us as I always thought he is not interested in me or perhaps even gay. He knows my family, knew my ex husband. He is just a friend. Recently I have been in a bit of a pressurised relationship and it causes me a lot of distress. My BF based on what I confessed suggested I need to decide whether it is what I want but only I can do it. He never ever puts me under any pressure, he is always very gentle with suggestions almost like he is there on the periphery. Now back 27 years - in last few days I recalled a class trip we had on a coach and him holding my hand back then, and hugging me. I forgot about it for all these years. It was just that one time and only this. We used to always hang around in a group, laugh etc and one girl was always very close with him and is also best friends with him even today (she has her own family now). Probably this made me think all these years he is gay (I never asked). Recently I was planning to buy a property and he offered to help. Apart from being a solicitor he also is into properties. He sends me things to have a look at and even went to see properties on my behalf and represent me. He suggested very good investments and says things like 'oh if you buy here we will be neighbours' pointing certain locations. He knows I am not interested in anything romantic, he knows I am in a relationship now, he knows I am not happy, he knows going forward I would like to be single. In a last year he said couple of times to me that I am a wonderful homemaker and it is a shame that my DP can not make me happy because there are many guys out there that would love somebody like me and a home I create. He said I've always been very warm and caring and that I will find gentle love again. My current relationship is very tensed around finances, my DP pushes me and forces decisions I do not feel are for me. I am childless and my BF is childless too. He knows I always wanted to have a family, how I did all the tests and I am all in good health. My ex husband didn't want children, my DP doesn't want children. My BF says that I will still have my little family. Not sure how he knows. Because I am childless I once spoke to my BF how it saddens me there will not be continuity to my family (I am the only child) and that I am scared there will be no one to do my funeral when I die (my DP is older than me). He said immediately: if I outlive you I will do your funeral. Why is he helping me so much where I have nothing to offer to him?

OP posts:
layladomino · 14/10/2022 17:50

It sounds like he's a lovely friend, and lovely friends help each other out (I'm sure you've reciprocated and done what you can for him too?).

It is possible for people to be great friends for many years and never have any romantic thoughts about each other (but you know that, as you don't have any romantic thoughts about him).

If you are starting to doubt that, is it because there's a part of you that would like him to want you romantically? Or is it because your bad experiences with men mean you've become distrusting and think he must have an ulterior motive?

If your old friend harboured feelings for you, I think you'd know by now (only you will know if he's really shy and notorious for not sharing his feelings though).

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 17:58

Maybe he has loved you all these years?

Could you see yourself with him if it were true?

You know the relationshit you're in now is not the right one.

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