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Original poster

Do you think people ever just "settle" ?

53 replies

simplepueman · 14/10/2022 13:21

They are getting older,say approaching 40-50 and just settle out of fear of being alone?
Or not meeting anyone else?

OP posts:
Creasedlinen · 14/10/2022 14:24

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 14/10/2022 14:10

Loads of people settle. But I'd guess that those at 50 are less likely to settle than those panicking about their biological clock.

Yes, I don't know anyone who's settled at 50. 50yos are loving the single life, given the opportunity.

anthurium · 14/10/2022 14:25

Absolutely people "settle" but would rarely admit to it in real life.

I did find a compromise though on the children issue: I went solo and had a child using a sperm donor; aged 39 I was terrified of ending up with someone that I'd need to separate from years down the line (as obviously I'd not have just met the 'love of my life'), so going solo seemed more sensible! It's not really settling... it's a compromise though yes

I think people settle when they're older too, it's just different factors rather than family building. It could be due to fear of loneliness and wanting companionship.

pinkolu · 14/10/2022 14:27

simplepueman · 14/10/2022 14:24

@pinkolu she's been happy just having one night stands,christmas she said this year she decided to settle down and the first person she's dated -she's jumped in

So she's had chances to "settle" if she wanted to. She wasn't out looking for someone to settle for the sake of settling

This is why I'm wondering if she's met someone and fallen fast. I'm not saying that necessarily a good thing to jump in that fast but it doesn't suggest settling to me

Buk · 14/10/2022 14:27

People settle all the time and that includes those already in relationships. It’s not easy breaking up a family and how people do it on in these Financial Times I don’t know. Those who find true passion as well as life long friendship and love are very lucky. I’ve always had one or the other with a splattering of bits of both but not that full on butterflies every day, sex loads of times a week, can’t keep hands off one another and also best friends etc. very hard to find that, particularly when been together 20 years plus. I think both sexes settle and compromise to find that comfortable life.

TheLeadbetterLife · 14/10/2022 14:30

I can’t imagine why anyone would settle once in their 40s or 50s. Surely people settle earlier, because they want children, or don’t have enough relationship experience to realise they’re incompatible.

i’m 40 and if I were ever single again there’s no way I would remarry or even live with a man again. Not because I’m unhappy - I am happy - just because I don’t need anyone else.

Buteverythingsfine · 14/10/2022 14:40

I don't see the problem with what your friend has done, if she feels sure. She doesn't want to wait around for children, presumably. There are no guarantees either way anyway. Just be a good friend and there for her with a listening ear.

PatsyJStone · 14/10/2022 14:42

Definitely.

AsterixInEngland · 14/10/2022 14:58

Of course, but I don’t think that’s obvious in the first year if a relationship.
I think it shows up later on when there are many things ‘wrong’ in the partnership but the person decides they’ll live with it because <insert reasons that are not always about ‘being lonely’>

Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2022 15:06

I am 40 and have no plans to settle 😬, I think a lot of people do, I guess I settled with someone when I was 21, had dc and it didn’t work out (he was much older), I have been single for 7 years and have no plan on settling with anyone unless they tick all my boxes. I know a lot of people who have settled and don’t seem happy.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/10/2022 15:10

One of my friends, who had lived in communes and been very involved in alternative politics, got pregnant and settled in her late 20s with a very steady man, totally unlike her earlier boyfriends. The time I noticed it most was in our 30s, when several of my friends settled with a man they had known for some time and got on well with. In all cases it was to have children, or in one case to have a better partner than her children's cheating father.

I can't think of anyone I know who 'settled' at a later age.

Suetwo · 14/10/2022 15:24

notme1969 · 14/10/2022 14:19

Everybody settles up to a point. You are never going to get 100% from one person, there always has to be something you compromise on.

I believe I settled with my first husband, I did love him at the time but ignored a lot of things that I grew to hate over time, but I was 30 and single and felt the clock ticking. We had DS1 within a year of moving in together and I think had we waited we would have split up sooner.
Husband 2 is probably the one who ticks most of my boxes, but there are still things about him that aren't what I was looking for in my 20s. The good outweighs the bad though.

Yes, everyone kind of settles because no partner will 100% fulfil you. And if they are 100% perfect, there is always the dread of them leaving you.

dworky · 14/10/2022 15:36

I genuinely believe that most relationships exist because those in them fear being alone.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/10/2022 15:38

I know someone who "settled" and got married at 25. All his friends were getting married and settling down, and he married his girlfriend who he thought was safe and had a good job, as he wanted a family and thought she would be a good mother. She was, but he didn't stay faithful as he got bored with her and became a serial cheater.

MassiveSalad22 · 14/10/2022 15:40

What’s worse: being alone and looking forever or settling with a lovely person with no spark? That’s the choice for some people I’m sure, and some people will choose one option and some the other.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 14/10/2022 15:40

anyone who 'settles' at 25 is a twit and a ninny.

butterfliedtwo · 14/10/2022 15:40

dworky · 14/10/2022 15:36

I genuinely believe that most relationships exist because those in them fear being alone.

Yes, and because it's what they feel is expected and what they're supposed to do.

Alcemeg · 14/10/2022 15:42

A close friend once said to me, "You get what you settle for," and I had no idea what she meant as I was (as far as I was concerned) happily married.

It was only years later, after leaving DH#1, that I realised in retrospect it had been an abusive relationship and I'd settled for something quite crap.

Then I had a couple of long-term relationships that, in retrospect, were in many ways worse!

I don't think any of us consciously settles for less than we deserve/want. It's just that we have limited understanding of what is fair, what is available, what it's reasonable to expect, etc.

notanothertakeaway · 14/10/2022 15:48

OF COURSE some people settle. You see it all the time on here, people stuck with lazy deadbeats etc

And I suspect it'll become more common, now it's very difficult for a single person to afford a flat / house on their own

SusanPerbCallMeSue · 14/10/2022 15:51

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 14/10/2022 15:40

anyone who 'settles' at 25 is a twit and a ninny.

I settled very young. Crap self worth and horrible first boyfriend made me think no one would want me. So I settled with the first man who came along. Had kids. He turned out to be an alcoholic (looking back I can see the signs were there from the beginning, but being young and naive I didn't recognise them) we split up.

I don't regret my ex too much because I have lovely kids. I stayed with him 10 years longer than I should have though.

I've been with my bf nearly 3 years and he's amazing. Definitely not settling! I love being with him, but also not living with him. Perfect!

YouAreNotBatman · 14/10/2022 15:55

Oh, people settle much, MUCH, younger than that!

But yes, many (maybe most) people settle.
I mean look around couples. Do they look okey to you?

butterfliedtwo · 14/10/2022 15:59

And I suspect it'll become more common, now it's very difficult for a single person to afford a flat / house on their own

It's very sad, but I think you're right.

Whitepouringglue · 14/10/2022 16:06

I doubt they frame it in those terms. But yes. They're realistic, scared, opportunistic, content with their lot etc.

mydogisthebest · 14/10/2022 16:19

I think a lot of people, although mainly women, settle just because they want children so desperately.

That's one of the reasons, I think, why so many marriages fail

loottie · 14/10/2022 17:29

I think a large percentage of couple are together because they 'settled' it's not a bad thing if you are both committed to making it work and respect each other.

I think people are way less likely to settle when they get older. Hopefully you have a better job/finances and more confidence and self-worth. You don't need to settle because life is good single.

Crunchingleaf · 14/10/2022 18:29

People do settle they mightn’t admit to it but they definitely do. With your friend OP maybe she found the one. Sometimes it can happen fast. Once you older you feel confident about saying what you want and rejecting the time wasters.