Stonewalling. Not always.

[KangarooKenny]

I often read on here about stonewalling, and how you should LTB, but sometimes going silent is because there’s no point talking.
I have gone quiet on my DH more than once because if I carry on talking I’ll get accused of nagging. So I stop talking, because there’s no point, and I retreat back into myself. Put up a barrier.

It can be a sign of emotional overwhelm. A freeze response, like a deer caught in headlights. In the situation you describe, you might be avoiding or struggling to cope with the feelings that go along with telling your DH how his behaviour is making you feel, and possibly scared of the consequences of doing that? I think there very much is plenty to say, it’s just that there might be an fear of not being able to cope with his response and your feelings. Being labelled a nag can be a very shaming experience and teaches you that your feelings aren’t valid or are ‘too much’ for the person labelling you. Actually your feelings are always valid and always give you important information that you need to listen to to be able to have a contented life!

I think LTB is often a very judgemental response and fails to show an understanding of and compassion for how humans cope - or don’t cope - with feelings. I’m not saying people should never leave or always put up with stonewalling, but that it’s more complicated than that surface level.

Are you just telling us this, or did you have a question? If there's no point talking to your partner because he'll accuse you of nagging, your relationship isn't healthy.

Stopping talking altogether is stonewalling. Stopping talking about one issue is stopping nagging. They're not the same.

I just wanted to say that not talking isn’t always stonewalling, although it seems to be portrayed as that on MN.
To be called a stonewaller is very shaming.
Just wanted to offer some solidarity to others in the same position, if there is anyone.

I posted a few weeks back on another thread about this.

I was listening to a podcast by a qualified expert who said there are two types of ‘silent treatment’

The first sort is used by someone deliberately and as punishment. They know what they are doing.

The second type is when it’s done as a self protective measure. This is usually when the person is feeling very emotional (anger/crying/sad/hurt), and literally and figuratively runs away to hide and lick their wounds. I know I do this, and I sort of go within myself and try to shut down my emotions. I can only re-engage when I have calmed down.

I agree that most people on MN seem to think only the first sort exists.

Sorry I can’t remember the podcast.

I totally agree with you OP, sometimes going silent is the best way to prevent more hurt and distress on both sides. Also, especially if you have any kind of PTSD, it's the safest way to protect your mind from being further traumatised/damaged. Far better to retreat, emotionally regulate, let your mind come to the present moment and renegage calmer.

If you have an understanding between the two of you, it's not stonewalling. If you go quiet and your partner has no idea why, it is stonewalling, even if your reason is PTSD. In a healthy relationship, you'd have a discussion in calm times about what happens to you and what you need when you can't talk.