DP started ignoring me. What is going on.

[whyishedoingthiswhy]

Me and DP been together a long time but don't live together through choice / circumstance. It's been a pretty good relationship, lots of love there and in no doubt of commitment despite the not living together. Christmas together, blended families etc. Usually spend weekends together.

There have been problems in the relationship with me pushing him away due to self confidence / body image issues at times, which I now regret. There have also been separate issues in the past year he has had with bereavement and his mental health, and me with medical issues.

Past few months it seems to be imploding, with him ignoring me for days over minor disagreements which would've been sorted out quickly between us before. Less communication and less time together.

Fast forward to now. We had a nice weekend together but a minor disagreement. Just to stress these aren't unusual for us and previous years would've been resolved quickly.

On Monday night he asked if I want to meet up Tuesday as we are both off.

Tuesday morning and I message him and he says he is not going and needs to focus on his own mental health right now. I asked did he want me to come over for a hug instead of meeting up, but I wouldn't be annoyed if not, just let me know. Nothing, ignored. Called half an hour later - ignored. Messaged him late that night I'm here for him. No response, so left him alone Wednesday. Thursday messaged him only about a practical thing regarding one of our dc (I usually pick up all dc but had hospital so couldn't) - no reply. Eventually got hold of him and he says I'm making it into about me and he just needed a few days to get his head together. I said after x amount of years.. he has ignored me again.

I'm scared that something is going on, or he isn't sure if he wants to end things. He is a typical avoider of communication.

Need a hand hold.

Sorry this is happening.

i think you need to pull away and not contact him. The more you chase the more he will run.

How about YOU take some time out to “ get your head together ?”

I don’t know what is up with him but I do know in these situations that chasing usually is the worst thing you can do.

You need to be high value and let him do whatever it is he wants because you are not ,asking him the center of the world. If he wants to pull back then ignore it. Ignore his ass and keep busy with healthy things.

it’ll be really hard but I am telling you that usually it is the best move. It is not game playing either. You really need to be able to let someone go if they want to. IHe knows you’d like to talk to him, he understands that you have a way of being together. It’s not like he forgot or isn’t aware of it. Trust me.

His actions are on purpose and no amount of talking or begging is going to do anything but harm at this point. Step way back and keep busy with healthy activities. Even if you would rather cry in a bottle of wine, make yourself do something positive. You can’t make people feel any sort of way, try to accept it and understand that no matter what you deserve a man who doesn’t make you confused.

This might be a little bump, it might be bigger. Just save yourself the wasted efforts and the feeling of being insecure to rise above and start making yourself the center of your life.

He told you he wants space. Give that to him. It’s the only way. Now you won’t be busy chasing him and can start centering yourself again.

Thank you @JustKittenAround . I do intend on giving him the space. I am so down though, and yes crying into wine is exactly how I feel. I feel like I don't know him any more, and I am also so angry at him for doing this, but I suppose showing that won't help. I did text him yesterday, but I intend on giving him space now.

Thinking about it, he's been acting strangely for longer than a week. We disagreed in late September and he also went almost uncontactable for a week too, but I just went with it and instinctively did what you said, met friends etc. Then he must have wondered, because he saw my ds around and ds said he asked him if I was coming over to his, and if I was 'getting ready' (it was a Friday night). He then contacted me and asked me over the next day. Feels like push-pull, like he isn't sure about us any more, but doesn't want me moving on until he decides.

It sounds like we disagree all the time, but it's not like that. We've been together a long time and always been a bit like that, but in all previous years things would resolve really quickly as we'd both want to get back to each other.

I'm wondering also if he's had his head turned. Feel sick at the prospect.

If you've made a conscious decision not to live together surely part of the reason for that is so you can have your own space and time.

You know he's struggling so just give him some breathing room.

You needed to contact him about the practical stuff but you didn't need to keep reminding him you're there. He knows.

Do you have children with each other OP?

A bereavement, MH issues and unwillingness to engage are indicative of a slide into depression. People who are becoming depressed start dropping out of aspects of their lives and a relationship may be one of the first. Especially if that relationship is a source of stress. The bereavement may have triggered emotions that mean he just can’t cope with your arguments and the demands of your relationship. A very basic ask is hugely stressful for someone with depression. They will avoid the source of these asks.

However the progressive disengagement is also a sign he is checking out. He could do that for many reasons. At the core will be that he doesn’t have the loving feeling anymore. Mild depression can leave people feeling empty. But he might just have met someone else.

I’m sorry but you are in a bind because you do need to confront this even if he has depression. I would take his lead and tell him you are standing back from the relationship. In effect end it. If there is another party you will find out soon enough, ditto with depression . Use the time to build up your emotional resilience. You will need it either way.

How long have you been together?

Disappearing in September isn't good and your instinct about him is likely to be right so trust yourself.

If the relationship ended you would cope so don't chase him as you're worth more than that. If he chooses not to invest in your relationship that's his loss.

I don't think you're upset because he needs "space", what's hurtful is the lack of communication and the fact he is ignoring you- even letting you down over arrangements to pick up dc.

Suffering with depression or stress triggered partly by bereavement is quite understandable but you're left guessing that this is the reason.

He should respect you and your blended family enough to explain what is going on with him and communicate what he needs like an adult.
If his mental state is so bad that he cannot answer a call or short text then he needs medical attention.

I usually pick up all the dc

So you're doing the parenting for your own children and his children whilst he goes off radar for days?
I wouldn't put up with that level of self indulgence from him. He presumably knew you had a hospital appointment but ignored you and essentially prioritised himself.
You shouldn't be treated like that.

Especially if that relationship is a source of stress. They will avoid the source of these asks. This resonates. He is definitely an avoider, and I do know he probably sees the relationship as a source of stress in recent years. I have struggled to come to terms with some health problems and pushed him away quite a few times myself.

However the progressive disengagement is also a sign he is checking out. He could do that for many reasons. At the core will be that he doesn’t have the loving feeling anymore This is what I'm scared of. That or someone else. I don't see him having a real life affair. He works completely online, never meets any of his workmates. Doesn't have any friends (stopped talking to them years ago despite my trying to encourage him to keep in touch with them) However he recently has started a new project which means he is in online contact with significantly more people than before. But he seems so shut off from me.

I think what is really blaring alarm signs in my mind is that - in 16 years of being together - he has had personal problems along the way, even big ones, other bereavements, job losses, one of his parents having cancer. Yet he has never before shut me off like this. He may have been more quiet, and I respected that, but this is different.

@SmileyClare I didn't tell him I had a hospital appointment, because I have been leaning on him a lot recently re my health, and I thought okay maybe just step back a bit, as he knows all the details now. He does know that a Thursday I usually ask him to pick up dc because I have work later on a Thursday. Yes, the point blank ignoring annoyed me. Come to think of it, the ignoring me when I ask him to pick dc up, has happened 3 times in recent months.

I'd be annoyed and upset too. I think you're justified in feeling that way.

It sounds like you've been there for him and made allowances for him over the last 16 years when he lost his job, his parent had cancer or for his personal issues, you've helped with his children.

Now you have your own health issue and hospital appointments he more or less checks out and makes you feel guilty for asking for some support, accusing you of "making it all about you".

Yes he has always been quite self-centred. He has however also been really forgiving of me. I have treated him badly at times.

I've no idea what is going on. Feel like I'm in limbo. He will have to contact me today about practicalities, but I doubt he will ask me to his like usual.

I feel about ready to give up myself tbh, I just can't take this turmoil and limbo. It's affecting my work as well.

Even when/if he 'comes round', I will still obviously be insecure about what is behind this completely shutting me out.