The Freedom Programme

ThatDarnCatAgain · 2022-10-13T20:28:24+00:00

I am seeking therapy due to a number of traumatic events that occurred extremely closely together, one of which was the breakdown of my marriage, it has taken me a long time to realise how unhealthy and emotional abusive/coercive it was, but I did get out and divorced him. I have just received the report and it says that I experienced domestic abuse. I find this really upsetting for some reason. I know he treated me badly, but I never expected it to be classed as domestic abuse. I guess just seeing the words in black and white have brought it home. I didn't even tell the therapist the worst things he did, although he was never physically abusive. I feel like I should have recognized what was happening but it was such a slow build up. I have read about the Freedom Programme on here, would that help?

Janedoe82 · 13/10/2022 21:29

Yes. It is a brilliant programme.

Janedoe82 · 13/10/2022 21:30

You can buy the book books online but worth joining a group if you can

Original poster

ThatDarnCatAgain · 13/10/2022 21:33

Such a quick response! Thank you. I took a quick look at the website and it mentioned domestic violence, I was worried that I didn't fit the criteria

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OldFan · 13/10/2022 21:39

Yep it's great @ThatDarnCatAgain

I took a quick look at the website and it mentioned domestic violence, I was worried that I didn't fit the criteria

My abusive FWB was mainly sexually coercive. I still got a lot from the programme.

It'll also help you be aware of tactics abusers use and so be better able to spot those behavours and quickly ditch any abusive men you might meet.

The FP is not therapy as such though, it'll just help you understand the ways abusers abuse and control us. So carry on with some sort of therapy, too.

ThisWormHasTurned · 13/10/2022 21:41

Emotional abuse is a form of domestic “violence”. I did the freedom programme online. It really helped to open my eyes to what I’d really been through and gave me the strength to end things. It’s a shock to realise you’ve been abused…takes some processing (well it did for me). Good luck getting the support you need.

Blueberrydelight · 13/10/2022 21:50

I purchased the online version and read through it in an hour or 2. It's informative and provides good insight but most I was familiar with anyway. It's not changed my life in anyway but I suppose I need to be ready to leave and make changes but I'm not there yet.

OldFan · 13/10/2022 21:55

@Blueberrydelight Something is so much more interactive if you're going through the material with a group of other women who've each experienced some form of abuse.

I recommend going to an IRL group- there are some lovely women there who will understand.

Most people go after they've left or it'd probably be difficult for them to get to a meeting, if they're still with an abuser. But if you can somehow get to a meeting safely, I'd recommend it.

Original poster

ThatDarnCatAgain · 13/10/2022 22:37

@ThisWormHasTurned yes, you are correct I think. It is a type of violence. I suppose I'm still coming to terms with the relationship now even though I divorced him about 2 years ago. Thank you, it helps to read it a different way.

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Original poster

ThatDarnCatAgain · 13/10/2022 22:38

@ThisWormHasTurned oh and meant to say that I'm glad it helped you and I have signed up too

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Havingamoment247 · 13/10/2022 22:39

I’m currently doing the freedom programme in real life and it’s the most amazing programme ever. I too didn’t think or realise I was in an extremely abusive marriage (emotional, mental, financial and sadly, sexually abusive) but once my ex had left and I was left in the smouldering wreck of our lives, I broke down. Solicitors, Doctors and woman’s aid all recommended the programme and I was enrolled. It has made me realise what a horrific situation I was in and hearing the other stories from other women made me realise what I had experienced was real abuse.

I couldn’t recommend the programme enough and would say even if you’re unsure if you experienced abuse, to do it, because you really do learn so much.

FlowerArranger · 13/10/2022 22:42

WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft also provides a lot of insight into abusive men. Available as a free pdf online.

Original poster

ThatDarnCatAgain · 13/10/2022 22:46

@Havingamoment247 thanks so much for sharing. It is hard to ask for help but I finally feel ready for it, if that make sense. I'm so sorry for what you have been through and I'm glad it is helping you. Take care

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Original poster

ThatDarnCatAgain · 13/10/2022 22:48

@FlowerArranger I was debating buying that book tonight as it seems highly recommended. I didn't know that a PDF is also available. Thank you

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Etinoxaurus · 13/10/2022 22:51

Havingamoment247 · 13/10/2022 22:39

I’m currently doing the freedom programme in real life and it’s the most amazing programme ever. I too didn’t think or realise I was in an extremely abusive marriage (emotional, mental, financial and sadly, sexually abusive) but once my ex had left and I was left in the smouldering wreck of our lives, I broke down. Solicitors, Doctors and woman’s aid all recommended the programme and I was enrolled. It has made me realise what a horrific situation I was in and hearing the other stories from other women made me realise what I had experienced was real abuse.

I couldn’t recommend the programme enough and would say even if you’re unsure if you experienced abuse, to do it, because you really do learn so much.

”You really do learn so much”
💪
I deliver it and I always publicise it as ‘for women who want to know more about relationships’
We've all got friends and sisters.

Rosewaterblossom · 13/10/2022 22:51

I really wanted to do it but in my area they only do classes during the day. I asked if they do a later one/evening and they said no as usually women need to fit it around child care. Thought it was a bit unfair to only aim it at women who have young children (who are at school/nursery in the day) and who don't work so can attend a day course.

Shame because I'd love to have done it.

OldFan · 13/10/2022 23:05

@Rosewaterblossom Quite a few women explain the situation to their bosses and their bosses allow them to go to the sessions. I know not everyone would want to do that though.

The Zoom ones are sometimes on an evening- maybe there's one technically run by another area that you could join in?

Yes, I don't happen to have children (it didn't happen for me) and I think they've forgotten that some women don't have kids completely. There's one session which is about the effect of abuse on children and when I entered the room for the session they were like 'how old are your kids?' To make sure people sat at the right table. They let me choose a table. But a lot of women might've been upset by it.

That's a minor point though and I'm glad they do try and work out when the best time for the group is. Evenings might be harder for any women still in abusive relationships to attend, too, as there abuser might be more likely to be around, whereas if a class is at 10am they might be able to go without some abusers knowing.

Rosewaterblossom · 13/10/2022 23:35

OldFan · 13/10/2022 23:05

@Rosewaterblossom Quite a few women explain the situation to their bosses and their bosses allow them to go to the sessions. I know not everyone would want to do that though.

The Zoom ones are sometimes on an evening- maybe there's one technically run by another area that you could join in?

Yes, I don't happen to have children (it didn't happen for me) and I think they've forgotten that some women don't have kids completely. There's one session which is about the effect of abuse on children and when I entered the room for the session they were like 'how old are your kids?' To make sure people sat at the right table. They let me choose a table. But a lot of women might've been upset by it.

That's a minor point though and I'm glad they do try and work out when the best time for the group is. Evenings might be harder for any women still in abusive relationships to attend, too, as there abuser might be more likely to be around, whereas if a class is at 10am they might be able to go without some abusers knowing.

I could get the time off but unfortunately couldn't afford to loose the pay to do it 😕 I have dc but mine are teens, so I could have done one later in the day or evening. It's a shame because I would have thought most women, even with dc, would work nowadays. Just felt like it was aimed at people who don't work, or at least don't work in the daytime, or those who can afford to take the time off, which let's face it isn't many.

OldFan · 14/10/2022 00:03

Could it be booked as equivalent to a hospital appointment or something and not have to taken as unpaid leave? I don't think my friend would've done it if she lost pay. But then, social workers suggested she go on the FP so maybe that carried more weight with her employer.

Rosewaterblossom · 14/10/2022 07:14

OldFan · 14/10/2022 00:03

Could it be booked as equivalent to a hospital appointment or something and not have to taken as unpaid leave? I don't think my friend would've done it if she lost pay. But then, social workers suggested she go on the FP so maybe that carried more weight with her employer.

To be honest I think my employer would be worried about me if I said I needed to take time off every week for a while whilst I attended a hospital appointment! It's not just about pay, which I can't afford to loose, the nature of my job means it just wouldn't be practical like that to take leave every week as it would put me behind, the work would still have to be caught up on, and mean other people would miss out as i'd be unavailable. Any medical appointments I have now are done either first thing ie 8am or last thing ie 5/6pm.

I know they can't cater for everyone but it was just annoying they only did it during the day when alot of women are at work.

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 08:22

It's a good program.

Every woman should take it. I'd like to see a teen version of it too.
Every woman should also read why does he do that. Starting at teen age.

With so many involved in abusive relationships, there still isn't enough information and education around, beginning at age 12 or so.

Atmywitsend29 · 14/10/2022 08:44

I did the freedom program a number of years ago, and it honestly made me realise so much. I learnt alot. If gave me the strength and knowledge to not go back, I eventually ended up fleeing to refuge.

I've since done a level 1 diploma in domestic abuse, and I now work in the sector, currently co-facilitating a programme similar to Freedom that aims to promote self care and prevent repeating the cycle with subsequent partners.

In regard to the employer issue, I find just be honest. When I was in therapy I went back to work (a definite sign of recovery for me!) And talked to the manager and just explained that I can't work Fridays.
Some programmes will also run at evening time on zoom to make it easier for women to attend.