NC MIL turned up at door step

[Eslteacher06]

Been with DH ten years and we have two kids. Since having the kids, my MIL has become difficult to deal with. A lot of do with personality differences- she likes giving unsolicited advice and I like being independent. All this is compounded by the fact she is a functioning alcoholic who has been in hospital with delirium and two skull fractures amongst other things. She always crosses boundaries too, which is my biggest bug bear. Infact it was this that led me to go NC two years ago. DH ands still see her and I get a break. Happy days!

Until tonight.

I'm in the house on my own with the kids. My husband is at work. There's a knock at the door. It's her. She's not been to the house for two years and she just thinks everything is back to normal.

The polite host in me wanted to invite her in (she was clearly hoping for that), but the other part wanted to tell her to fuck off. She wanted to drop off my DH birthday presents so I let her do that but held her at the door.

I was actually on the phone when she arrived but i heard the kids say 'i thought you were staying' but her reply 'your mum won't let me'.

She went off home looking upset, but I'm so upset she put me in that position.

Now I feel bad for doing it, but arh im so conflicted! I don't want a relationship. I'm much happier without her snide comments. But now she will go back to her family and say what a horrible person I am. I know I shouldn't care.

Any advice?

Ignore this emotional blackmail attempt, you were basically ambushed and this was all planned. You did the right thing.

Boundaries are there for a reason

I'm concerned about your children though how old are they?

They are young (6 and 3) and I never talk about the issues I have with her

She's clearly not changed. If she really wanted to make amends then she would have asked to come over or meet you somewhere. She was also out of order for saying you were stopping her from staying to your kids- she should have just said she would see them another time or that she was in a hurry etc. sounds like she's wanting things to be on her terms as this was done with no agreement from yourself.

@AlwaysFoldingWashing this is how I feel exactly. But having the kids there made it wirse, because they were upset she was not staying. They're too young to under the reasons behind it

She had choices. She could have given the presents to your DH directly. She could have phoned and checked it was okay first. She could have popped the presents on your doorstep and left.

She deliberately chose to pop round unannounced when you clearly don't have that kind of relationship and then made that comment to your children.

I would be very careful letting your children have a relationship with her. She is clearly quite happy to try to get between you and them.

I admire that you originally went NC with someone who obviously makes you unhappy and I also admire your DC for supporting your decision whilst maintaining his own and DC's relationship with her. You were hijacked and dealt with it as best you could so don't beat yourself up DC will soon forget the incident if MIL does not insist on bringing it up with them in future but hopefully DH will continue to support your position and insist that this doesn't happen. Stick to your guns

I would be very careful letting your children have a relationship with her. She is clearly quite happy to try to get between you and them.

This. ⬆️⬆️

She is undermining you deliberately to your kids. I'd be steaming at this, infact I wouldn't have opened the door at all but that would have been difficult if the kids had seen her through the window. You need to have a strong conversation with your DH about reducing the contact she has with your kids before she drives a wedge between you.

I was on the phone so distracted and the curtains were closed but if I had seen, I'd have ignored it.

@Foreverinblue thank you! I always get 'just let it go', which is so against how I feel.

You have my sympathies.
my MIL some times puts manipulative messages in the DCs cards along similar lines to ‘mummy won’t let me see you’, even though it’s actually the in-laws who are selfish and uninterested and only remember we exist rarely.
You did the right thing keeping her on the doorstep, she should respect your wishes and be grateful that she still sees her DS and GCs. The upset face was probably part of her manipulations or to back her false narrative that you are the bad DIL. She will say bad things to the rest of the family about you whether you see her or not. So you are better off not seeing her and protecting your own mental health. She was the one who was in the wrong and has upset your DCs, not you. As your children get older they will notice more and you can start explaining to them the family situation as it is. At your DCs current age they will forget she even came to your house.

@LittleOwl153 removing the kids from her would be impossible. And they love her so i can't stop that, as much as I would prefer it!

She's clearly not changed. If she really wanted to make amends then she would have asked to come over or meet you somewhere

This is correct.

My dreadful Mother kept turning up - she is proper scary and I would panic every time there was a knock at the door.

I have moved house and changed my name to stop her visits.

She doesn't do boundaries because she is a deranged bully.

I really enjoy my peaceful life.

I'm not trying to be goady here but why on earth do you allow her to be around your DS? Even with your DH there! She's an alcoholic & by the sounds of it unstable. You say your kids are 6 & 3 so whichever of those ages your DS is, is far, far too young to be around an alcoholic. Even if she's always coherent and they're always 'safe' around her, what kind of influence is she being to your kids???

You are their mother! You have a say! Not just your DH. Also, just because they love her does not mean they should be around her. She sounds toxic & damaging.

By the way, as a child, my father was an alcoholic so I know first hand the damage that it does. My brother is also an alcoholic now & his adult son is sadly in the heading the same way as he was never sufficiently shielded from this toxic influence.
Thankfully I don't drink but it has severely damaged in other ways which has affected the course of my life. My point being that the influence it has, can manifest in many different ways. Your kids deserve better

@MightyOaks She is a functioning alcoholic so by day, she doesn't drink but by 8pm, she's plastered. My husband refuses to go near her in this state and certainly doesn't go around with the kids. He himself is fully aware of how damaging it is to have alcoholic parents and has a lot of issues because of it.

If i stopped the kids from seeing her, it not only would greatly upset my kids but also cause a rift with me and DH. He stays with them at hers and leaves at the sign of trouble. I've just learnt to pick my battles