Grey Rock tricks

[Iwontbecomeher]

Please hit me with your best grey rock strategies for dealing with my mum.

I truly can’t bear her. It hurts to write that but I don’t. She is a drain, negative, never happier than when she’s got something to complain about, interfering, controlling, thrives on drama. She’s a bigot, never wrong, any ‘good deeds’ aren’t out of the goodness of her heart it’s so she can brag about them. Crying and follow up passive aggressive text messages are her speciality.

She also lives nearby. And my dad is still around so NC is not an option.

If nothing else please tell me I’m not alone in feeling like this. My biggest fear is that I become like her and have a similarly toxic relationship with my daughters when they are older.

I need to not be drawn in, voice zero opinions - even though any I do voice are totally innocuous and not contentious but if they differ to her opinion on anything god help me, tell her the bare minimum, give her zero ammunition.

My contact with my late mother was usually by phone. I very rarely volunteered any information which wasn’t difficult as she never asked.

I would usually be doing something else while on the phone (one handed cleaning etc), and if she said something awful, I would make faces or use hand gestures to relieve the frustration. Obviously you can’t do that face to face, but if you practice it on the phone, maybe it will get easier.

I used to find being really boring helped.

My best strategy with my dad when he got too vicious and unbder my skin, especially if he was in rant mode, was to say, 'Oh I just –" as though youy've just remembered something and then leave the room. Go to the loo or for a walk around the block until you feel a bit more restored then come back into the room and hope the topic has moved on. If there are flying monkeys around, leave them to listen to teh bile while you do 'helpful' things elsewhere like making a cup of tea for everyone or laying the table or mowing their lawn. Being active on behalf of maddening elderly parents means you can stay in their good books but actually be low-communication. You go round respectably often but get busy doing other stuff.

Encourage texting not phoning, as a text is finite, you can skim read it and put it down if you need to. Say you are getting deaf or that your phone line is very crackly and needs fixing if this suggestion is challenged. Allow yourself plenty of casual little white lies instead of big falloputs and dramas.

I never tell them anything unless I absolutely have to. Every day was "fine", life is always "busy, the usual", no detail. Anything you give them can and probably will be used. Sad way to live really, but it's made my interactions with them more bearable as they have less to grasp on to. I also pretty much stick to the phone. On the rare occasion we are together I make sure my brother and his family are also there, or invite family friends so that there is buffer. That helps. If they start on their bigoted, nasty rants I end the call now. I used to argue or try to get them to stop but it made them angrier and apparently I wasn't letting them have their own opinions 🙄. But in the end it's a pretty tough way to conduct a relationship. And no matter what I do, how little I give, they always manage to get a jibe in or let some nastiness out. So I massively limit contact now. It's shit, isn't it.

Eating yes its difficult. I tell little too. Didnt know what she was saying to other sibling. Im vague yes no details best way to be. Holidays I tell her last minute as a mood. Sigh. Hard going

Thanks all so much for sharing. It’s a comfort to know people understand. I used to think I love her but I don’t like her, I’m not sure that I do love her though, I know I ought too. My heart breaks at the thought of my daughters ever feeling this way about me. But every interaction is difficult and causes me anxiety. After a series of passive aggressive text messages this morning I’ve been ruminating about it all afternoon. She will never change, I am not the problem, although she’d have me believe she gets on wonderfully with everyone else and I’m the issue, although interestingly her sibling is now NC with her. So I have to change my approach to get to a maintain and not engage status.

No contact is always an option.

Your dad is not entirely blameless here. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so always but always need a willing enabler to help them. That person here is your dad. He is also a weak bystander of a man to her abuse of you and he has failed to protect you throughout from the excesses of her behaviour. He acts really out of self preservation and want of a quiet life so he cannot be relied upon either.

Boundaries here are all important and need to be strengthened as and when necessary. I would be putting both parents here on a strict information diet going forward. Grey rock itself is a technique that can be quite draining to do over time like eatingjumper describes well. What you may also find is that your mother with help from dad further ups the ante to elicit a response from you to regain control. Practice detachment and not at all respond to anger, slander, put downs or their jealous provocations.

You won’t become like your mother because you have two qualities she entirely lacks : empathy and insight. The dysfunction has stopped with you because you have not treated your own children like you were treated as a child. You chose a different path and not repeat the same old that was dished out by them to you.
You may want to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward along with Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride.

Oh I recognise my dad plays a part. If he tries to support me in any conversation my mum will rip his head off, the way she speaks to him most of the time is awful. I hope she goes first, that’s horrible to say/think.

I have a sibling I’m similarly thinking about going grey rock with. They are not as bad, and can be entertaining, but I find them incredibly self centred and draining.

One example - I asked them about a week in advance if they would like to do something on a rare (for me) child free evening, they said they’d let me know that day if they didn’t end up seeing their friends. They then were very annoyed with me when I said I didn’t want to be a back up option and I’d like to have definite plans so I’d do something else.

Any event organised has to be around them and what suits them. They don’t really do compromise.

In my case no matter what the provocation I reply sweetly, and do a lot of biting my tongue. I agree with their outrageous statements for a quiet life but try and let them wash over me. And I tell them nothing of what’s going on in my personal life beyond stuff like “work is tiring” “yea I’m taking the children to soft play” “same old same old” I’ve stopped organising events, or I organise them knowing/planning on cancelling

Sad but not surprising to say I don’t think they’ve noticed, but it’s made me feel better.

I could have written your post myself OP. I find all interaction with my mother so draining.
The mood swings, the boredom when it's not about her, throwing a tantrum during special moments of my life. Also if I make her as miserable as she makes out, I don't know why she'd want anything to do with me. But here we are, she needs someone to take out her narcissistic rage on and as daughters we fit the bill.
The only time I noticed her drama stop is when I said to her 'shall we have a break from one another for a few months then?' She realised I had no issue with stopping contact.
If you can't do nc, you could do lc. Pop in on the way to somewhere else so you have an excuse to not stay long. I normally moan about work as I know she's not interested so she wont mine for any extra info.

I hope mum goes first too.

But perhaps my dad will carry on her legacy of not speaking to me out of loyalty. She doesn't communicate with me now!!
It was a silent treatment she started because I wanted to talk but it went on and on and I never apologised for upsetting her, so, she is the victim of me and everybody supports her.

I've been written out.

You have my sympathy OP, my poisonous MIL has been successfully alienated my husbands daughter in her favour and FIL stands back and does nothing. MIL is particularly venomous we find once she's sunk a bottle of wine at night and has any sliver of info about our lives to sink her teeth into.

DH has found that limiting in its entirety any information she has on our lives helps. Selling our house? We put it on for too much money. Got a promotion? That will never last. Bought a new jumper? It's ridiculous that it's an expensive label.

So now we go on holiday but don't share anything with her or his daughter on social media. When asked it was "lovely". DH visits them in her house and calls once a week but sticks to "yep works fine, dolly's well, work is ok, dog's alright".

When they came to our house it gave them gossip fodder for weeks "the dog's not well looked after" (he's the happiest dog in the town and spoilt rotten) "she's been spending money again" (on a toaster, the old one died and I'm the major earner in this house thank you very much. ) "I don't like the colour they painted their study" well you don't sit in it most days, we do.

Now that I've got DH to understand the true extent of grey rock it's given MIL no ammo at all and DH seems a lot happier. It's as if I've died but at least MIL has nothing of interest to pin on me

Moving away helps a lot.

oh goodness- I could have written much of that myself! Sorry you're having such a hard time- I totally understand and am at the point where I desperately want to relate to people who get it rather than those who unwittingly gaslight: "be kind, you've only got one mum" etc
I'm sorry I can't be much help in terms of strategies other than to commiserate- I'm not in a very good way at the moment- decreasing prozac and feeling pants- but your post resonates with me as do other posters' posts.
My mother's just had another episode of nastiness (at my lovely partner as I can't speak to her!) and I am completely unable to think about dealing with her now or in the future. I was trying low contact but she pushes and pushes and, frankly, I don't like her and feel terrible in her company. she's generally very passive and needy - albeit punctuated by breath-taking nastiness!-so sometimes it's like kicking a kitten. except of course it's not because her neediness is horribly manipulative- it's just hard to articulate why to those who don't understand and i spend so much time feeling guilty. I know she's borderline personality (my armchair diagnosis but fits like a glove!) and I know there's no point in exploring that- she's mid 70s, that ship has sailed.
I understand your worry about your relationship with your daughters but I'm sure that history will not repeat itself for you as you clearly have a mature understanding of the dynamics with your own mother.
I have a nearly 14 year old daughter and I had exactly the same worries- that she'd feel about me the way I feel about my mother. A year or two ago I thought maybe it was happening but I now think I misconstrued normal tween/teen girl behaviour of pulling away.
I have to say that now things are really good- I won't hold my breath, she's young yet! But I know that history will not repeat itself as I'm very aware of what not to do. And you will be too. My relationship with my daughter, the way we talk- it's completely different. Not saying it's all roses but I know that I'm a grown-up where my mum still isn't. I know I'm not a drain (at least not to my kids!), where my mother is and always has been. I'm friendly with her friends' mums, whereas my own mother used to cry hysterically to my friends' mothers (oh god, the shame for a young girl!!- i know that sounds harsh but it was completely inappropriate- she didn't know them well and this has been her MO throughout life, including with my in laws and my brother's and obviously with me and my brother) I will never treat my daughter as my sounding board. So my relationship with my daughter is not comparable. If it veers off the rails at times, it will be for other, likely more "normal" reasons.
How old are your daughters?

Yes lc helps. I remember silent treatment as a teen if she didnt get her way. Im glad I work as means am not tied into days then a mood if u cant come. Beyond exhausting.

@GingerPushkin yes! Exactly that but you said about wanting to relate to people who get it rather than trot out the you only get one, you’ll miss her when she’s gone etc. My mum has said to me before she hopes I feel guilty once she’s gone.

I spend a lot of time now feeling guilty! analysing what I said/didn’t say, how I should have acted differently etc etc. My mum is also mid 70s and laments that we don’t have a warm mother/daughter relationship but it’s always positioned as my fault that we don’t. I wish we did, but that ship has sailed and there’s far too much been said and done to get there now.

My daughters are young, primary school age, so still at that lovely stage of thinking their mum is funny and awesome but I am aware that won’t last forever! I am very very aware that I incline to the controlling side like my mum and I pull myself back from it sometimes.

I’m sorry you feel the same way, it gives me some comfort that a stranger on the internet gets it as all around me IRL a see lots of lovely M/D dynamics which reinforces in my head that I am the problem.

@Iwontbecomeher so glad that you're feeling understood on this thread- to be honest, it's a bit of a tonic for me as IRL it does seem as though mothers are either fab or at the very least they're a neutral presence, they're not a problem to their children. so thanks for starting it :)

I used to work on an elderly ward and remember staff judging any family members who didn't visit their relative- I was only mid twenties but I already thought that maybe patient X was an arsehole to their kids but I didn't voice it as it wasn't "acceptable"

I dread my mum getting older- she's in rude health but has been playing the age card since about 50! what about when they really are frail.

definitely recognise that lamenting of lack of mother/daughter relationship and feeling the accusation

re grey rock, I agree with what Attila said- i think it can be good but over time it can become exhausting- again, hard to know what to do short of NC

I recently(ish) had 3.5 years NC with my mother after she was particularly vile to me- I was a complete mess- it was in front of the kids- it was horrible (though I didn't crumble in front of her- why do I do that? keep it in?). It was a very peaceful few years after that, bliss!! I regret resuming contact- we're back to the shitty state it was in previously. I think I almost wish she'd be really awful again, then I can end contact for good!

I've reported my post saying that sometimes I like my mother- because I'm not sure that I do- that'll be the guilt talking and I want to be completely honest

it sounds like you're doing the right thing with your daughters- in fact, you're so aware of pitfalls that it might even give you an edge! it's inevitable that we have some of our mother's traits but we recognise them and attempt to pull back. Our daughters are not going through what we endured- as PP said you've stopped that dysfunctional family dynamic in its tracks.

I was a nice nurse, honestly- I wouldn't have treated the patient any differently. I really need to stop posting until I'm fully adjusted to my decreased dose of prozac- this paranoia's no good! but still very glad you created this thread :)

I have one of these mothers. I think she has borderline personality disorder.

i used to share so much with her - she is hungry for information- but eventually would use it against me and lash out.

There was arguments and drama and sulking but i just want a quiet life.

I learnt to give her no information. Just one word answers - boring topics of conversation - change the subject - don’t respond to the drama - ignore emotional texts.

i have to be ‘mean’ to her in order to have boundaries. This makes me feel bad about myself. If your mum is a nice ‘normal’ person then it is easy to be a lovely daughter.

have you read about enmeshed families -
www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

Also - just sharing this as its something i wish my mother understood!

In dealing with my very difficult mother, I find it helps me when I pity her. I think how absolutely awful it must be to be inside her head 24/7. I can move away, limit contact, engage with her on my terms - she has to live with herself day in day out. I reflect on my own good life and practice gratefulness for what I have, and I find my anger towards my mother dissipates. I feel sorry for her and it's easier to act benignly towards someone you feel sorry for... maybe too condescending for some, but it works for me.