Birthday disappointment, am I being unreasonable?

[Cosmoslove]

Hi all. Thank you for reading.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’m trying to plan something nice for me and my boyfriend (of four years) to do but I’m a bit fed up at how much it’s costing me. I’m paying for it because he’s a bit skint at the moment, he’s inbetween jobs so things are a little tighter than usual. Last year, we had the flu so couldn’t do anything for my birthday. On his birthday, I took him out for a meal and baked a cake, we were reining things in financially but I put money to the side to be able to make him feel special. It’s now my birthday and he’s not said anything. He’s saying it’s great to go out if I pay. He managed to go out with his mates at the weekend, which I encouraged because I don’t want him to not enjoy social things just because we’re a little tight. I just feel rubbish. I specifically put money aside for things like this, and I don’t feel like he does. It feels like he doesn’t put any priority on having a nice day with me. I’m not asking for the world, maybe just a nice coffee somewhere on him. Is that unreasonable? How do I tell him this is how I feel?

He’s using you. Give yourself a present and dump him 🎁

There are thoughtful things he can do that don't cost a lot of money. Being skint isn't an excuse to do nothing

Also, going out with friends is fine when you can afford it. Personally I wouldn't prioritise it over DPs birthday if I couldn't afford both but that's just me

Packing him in would be the best birthday present to yourself! He's like Ebenezer Scrooge.

God your bar is low if you think getting you a coffee would suffice as making an effort for your birthday.
He's a total user - guessing you are paying for everything at the moment too? I do not understand all these women who are literally paying for a man to be with them. They don't even treat them well in other ways either
No, you are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't tell him anything, just dump and move on and work on your self worth and esteem before you even consider entering a new relationship- I do mean this kindly - you deserve far far better

he covers rent and some bills, I cover day to day spends and some bills. It would be nice to be treated once in a while

Arrange something with family or friends instead, he' s tight, unreliable as well as selfish, you deserve to be spoilt, if he won' t do it, spoil yourself instead. These are not attractive qualities in a partner, you can do alot better.

I think it would be better for you to talk to him about it rather than talk on here

When me and dh first started dating we were skint. But he'd always do something nice for my bday. A picnic once that ended up with us eating it in the back of the car after it started raining lol, he cooked my favourite dinner and then set the table lovely with candles etc, and wore his best suit. Easy stuff that didn't cost. It's all about the effort and wanting to make the person you love feel special.

If he can go out with his mates on the weekend but then thinks nothing if doing anything for you in your birthday then He's not a keeper imo

Wait, he covers ALL of the rent and then the rest of the bills are split? I assumed by your OP that you didn't live together. I think if he's carrying more of the financial burden of the household then that puts a bit of a different complexion on things.

Maybe this could prompt a proper sit-down conversation about what you both put into the finances and your expectations going forward?

I hope you have a lovely birthday, anyway

If I where you I'd buy myself a Chinese and a cupcake put a candle in the cupcake and eat it all in front of him 👍

Did he actually say that, it’s great to go out if you pay? Fucking hell what a prince you’ve found there.

Exactly this! If you've got money to go out for lunch/dinner for you and him, go with a friend or family member instead. Then spend what would be the cost of his food on yourself

Wonder what his reaction would be if you said "I know you can't afford to do anything for my birthday so I've arranged xyz with my mate. See you later" - then take yourself off out for the day.

If he then makes zero effort to do something else to make you feel special that doesn't cost much I'd dump him

Not all the rent? Is he paying a huge amount more than you?

Agree with PP, no money is not the problem it's his attitude, not making any effort for your birthday , he could take you out for a birthday breakfast which doesn't cost much money compare to a dinner somewhere, or he could buy you some flowers and cook you a meal, or he could take you out for a nice walk somewhere and coffee and cake at the end etc... you are not asking for lots of presents or expensive fancy dinner , just a coffee somewhere on your birthday which is very minimum and you need to tell him how his action or lack of makes you feel, if you feel you can't talk to him openly about your feelings then you have bigger problems here .

Whats stopping him making a cake or doing something else special which doesn’t cost much money? ( don’t say he can’t bake….)

exactly, I’m not bothered about being showered with gifts, I just want him to want to take me for a slice of birthday cake and a coffee or something. I know that come tomorrow I’ll be handed a card and that’s it, unless I pay for it all.
He covers all our rent, I cover major bills and day to day (food shops, petrol etc.). It’s evenly split when you work it out. I don’t feel like that arrangement means I pay for birthday things… including my own…

he covers rent and some bills, I cover day to day spends and some bills. It would be nice to be treated once in a while

I do hope he has something secret "up his sleeve". But perhaps a chat about how you split finances would help because it sounds a bit uneven at the moment, especially as he's between jobs.

@Cosmoslove

How do I tell him this is how I feel?

Sit him down and tell him what you've just articulated to a group of random strangers on the Internet who has understood... or failing that, txt him what you've posted to us...

I think I might be missing the crux as it would feel a fairly straight forward solution

(Perhaps being slightly flippant so illustrate the point of: just speak to him)