Advice please

[Truuuueeeedat]

I have a 16 year old daughter. Her father left yes when she was three years old for another woman. Since then he has seen her regularly. Up until a year ago, it used to be 50/50 care. Then he decided to leave his partner and their child together and move 3 hours away for ‘work’. It turns out he had been having an affair and he was moving to live closer to her. He kept up the pretence about still being with his partner until this summer (he met his new girlfriend late last year) and took our daughter on holiday with her. Then in the space of a few weeks, he told our daughter that the relationship was over, he was in a new relationship and he introduced our daughter to her and her family. This was understandably a shock, as her step-mother had been in her life for almost 13 years. He has also now dropped down to having her every other weekend. My daughter was quite upset about him moving and abandoning another family - after originally doing this to her.

Recently she went to his for the weekend and came home quite hostile and argumentative. I had very stern words with her after she began shouting and throwing things and she stopped speaking to me. She ignored me for a full week - only coming out of her room for meals - before I advised her that if she didn’t apologise, she would need to spend the weekend with her dad - as I found her behaviour rude and disrespectful. She chose to see her dad and then refused to come home, saying that she now wanted to live with him. I have struggled to understand this. We have never had any problems in our relationship until that weekend, and all I had done was tell her off for her rude behaviour. She has returned home now, as she is in her last year at school, but is making it clear that she doesn’t want to be here and is continuing to ignore me and sit in her room all of this time. She is saying once her GCSEs are finished she wants to move to her dad’s and he is constantly telling her that he will do anything to make her happy and wants her with him. This is so hurtful to me, when I have done everything for her for the last 16 years and he has just continued to behave selfishly and put himself first. What is going on?

She’s confused and very angry her equilibrium has been turned upside down and shaken around.
For as long as she can remember she’s had a stable routine — you, dad, stepmum and half sibling. Now dad’s up and moved a distance away, she can’t imagine how she splits herself in 3 to keep a relationship with you, dad , stepmum and half sibling. Her rudeness was her anger , not aimed at you personally per se, just that you were the nearest person.
Really she just needs reassurance that she’s loved, that dad has moved the goalposts, that she’s loved , life is still doable and she’s loved. Picking her up on her manners — it’s not the time for that right now.

She’s angry and confused. A difficult age anyway without all these changes going on.
She needs lots of love and re-assurance. Choose your battles. As previous poster said, not really the right time to make a big deal out of manners. Arrange a special day/weekend away with her.

She’s making sure he doesn’t leave / move any further. She knows exactly where you are and where you will continue to be. Stay there for when she comes back. Right now she needs you to be the solid one as much as that sucks.

Rather than tell her off, why didn't you just tell her you understand how awful everything is for her and you're there for her, or that you were ready to talk when she was?! Pick your battles , poor girl

Just want to be clear that her dad moved 8 months ago. He introduced his new girlfriend 3 months ago. I have other children in the house who are witnessing their sister come in and start shouting, using abusive language and throwing things. I have picked my battles. I have let many incidents go, but there needs to be rules in my house so my other children don’t think it’s ok to do the same.

You are the one who sent her away when you got upset with her. Your parenting choices have consequences. Your daughter was going through a very, very difficult time and you came down on her like a tonne of bricks. She really needed a safe space right then.

Your other children need to see you hold this one close whilst she is having a tough time. Sorry op.