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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

20 year relationship slump

12 replies

Chickensoup101 · 12/10/2022 19:49

I'm really struggling with my husband and really need to vent.

We've been together 20 years. Own our home (mortgaged). I work full time from home in a job that demands attention to detail and has really busy periods v's easier times. We have 3 young boys. I do the school runs, cook dinner each day, etc as he is out of the house 7am until 5pm.

If i work in the evenings (during busier times - so maybe for one week a month) he argues with me - as i'm "always working", and if i can't do my job in the day i should demand more money and get paid more. When i explain i leave the house twice a day for school runs, helping with homework, etc and therefore owe the hours, he argues that it was "my choice" to work from home around the kids - and maybe i should just get a different job.

I honestly can't win. I feel like a shit employee because they're not getting 100%, i'm a shit Mum because my kids don't get the time they deserve with me, and i'm a shit wife because i'm not watching tv with my husband and don't fancy wild nights of passion 5 nights a week. Why? Because i'm shattered. And some days i'm annoyed with him being a dick, and that's somehow my fault too.

He now goes to the pub after work so the previous 5pm home time is now 6pm. He's out all days Saturdays at the moment because he's got to work community service for 4 months (long story of drunken idiocy), so i have to manage the kid's weekend clubs and get the house straight.

We've not spoken now in 4 days and when i tried to talk he is looking at me for an apology. I would cry, but i really don't have the bloody time! There's ironing, and hundreds of other jobs to be done!

We're not financially well off - we live month to month. Things are a strain at the moment, worrying about the future, and i just can't seem to catch my breath.

I suppose there is no question for anyone to answer. I'm just venting in the hope this somehow helps me.

OP posts:
Notimefor · 12/10/2022 19:52

Sending a hug 🤗 - sounds too much.. ungrateful sod.

Debsdonein · 12/10/2022 19:55

Sounds like it doesn't matter what you do he will find a reason to moan. You might aswell be on your own than have a man child like that.

breakingthebank · 12/10/2022 19:59

He sounds like a selfish shit. Sounds like life would easier without him?

Wombat27A · 12/10/2022 20:00

Is he engineering a split?

Chickensoup101 · 12/10/2022 20:26

The people we were 20 years ago to now are different - for me at least! Maybe he's having a crisis and doesn't want to talk? But i feel he's almost pushing me to resent him - does that make sense?

He's a great Dad, and we do have a lot of love, but i'm just not sure that's enough?? We don't have the opportunity to be alone together for nights out or weekends away - maybe we've hit groundhog day.

It's just another element that needs more attention and i can't fill it.

Adulting really sucks!

OP posts:
Shittytittybangbang · 12/10/2022 21:21

I am sorry, but he is not pulling his weight at home. You need to have a serious discussion about how hard each of you are finding it. He is avoiding being at home and sharing the responsibility with you. Try to speak to one another using facts rather than emotions. Would he step up if you didn’t wfh, with taking kids to sch, homework etc?

cestlavielife · 12/10/2022 22:10

How is he a great dad when he puts pub before coming home and doing homework with them?
How is he s great dad if gets into drunken idiocy ?

RandomMess · 12/10/2022 22:14

He needs to do his share with the DC and the house so you can do your work in your working hours.

🤬

CanYouPickItUp · 12/10/2022 22:19

He's not a great dad, honestly, he really isn't.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/10/2022 22:40

Why arent you angry this person is not doing his fair share? He is crippling you so he can sit around drinking or watching TV. Horrible behaviour, he is neither good father or husband.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 22:48

So he does none of the morning parenting due to his hours, none of the school runs or childcare pickups, and none of the evening stuff because he’s out to the pub.

And he thinks YOUR working hours are the issue?

Tell him OK, maybe I will get a different job with hours like yours. What’s the plan for the children then - how will we deal with school runs when we’re both out to work by 7am?

He sounds like a shit. And that’s before the community service bullshit. He could get to fuck for an apology as far as I was concerned.

ItsHitTheFanNow · 13/10/2022 06:10

Who's going to do childcare if you get a different job?

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