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Original poster

Do I tell her

27 replies

Katie919 · 12/10/2022 19:12

Last May I starting talking to someone I met online and for the next 16 months we spoke almost everyday and developed a great friendship although we never met in person. During the summer I couldn't shake a feeling of something being off, he had spoken before about not liking social media and having the privacy setting up high so when I couldn't find nothing felt off but I found someone he talked about regularly and through that found that everything he had told me was lie including his name. He had said to me he was single and had been for while and lived nearby but in truth he was in a long term relationship with a child (who he referred to as his nephew) and lived about 100 miles away. There were a number of reason why we didn't met which oddly never bothered me until the summer.

The level of deception he used is/was on reflection worrying as he stole photos from various people's social media, one extensively as she was referred to as his sister and mother to the nephew. Endless stories were given to me about her along with screenshots of messages from her and other friends and family members which frequently referred to him being single and living the live I thought he lead.

There were a number of other things he did to back up the lies as when I looked back on everything I ended up with a 7 page word document of the lies he told. I had sent this to the Samaritans as dealing with the level of deceit and trying to understand why left me with a number of issues as for 6-7 weeks he had promised an explanation but continued to find reasons not to provide one and I continued to speak to him like normal because a part of me needed to know why and didn't want to do anything that might jeopardise that. A very brief one was given and he insinuated he stayed with his partner because he didn't want to leave his child despite being unhappy. I asked a final time a month ago if an explanation was ever going to be provided but he never read the message.

My question is do I tell his partner as a part of me is overthinking what type of person goes to this level of deceit as to me it feels very concerning and if I was her would I want to know. I'm also aware telling her makes me seem like a scorned woman

OP posts:
tinx · 12/10/2022 19:14

No.

Alibro79 · 12/10/2022 19:14

No. Stay out of it.

Ratherperplexed · 12/10/2022 19:23

Yes. Every partner has a right to know their reality. He is abusing this partner, no doubt lying through his teeth like he did to you.

Bournetilly · 12/10/2022 19:24

Yes 100%

RainyDaysareCarp · 12/10/2022 19:32

This person has lied to you for 16 months and you don't really know what he is capable of. Protect yourself and block him on everything. Don't get involved with his relationship with his partner.

DatingDinosaur · 12/10/2022 19:36

“developed a great friendship although we never met in person”

Dear god, all this and you’ve never met him.

No. Don’t tell her. Bollocks to him. Bollocks to her. She isn’t your responsibility and neither are his morals. The only thing that’s your responsibility is your own mental health which sounds like it’s teetering on a precipice of obsession.

Telling her is just keeping the notion of him being in your brain/life alive and feeding the anxiety/fixation/obsession for you.

Just get shut of him everywhere.
The 7 page document of evidence? Burn it and write 7 pages of reasons why you’re better off out of it and what you have learned about yourself because of it. And show THAT to the Samaritans and ask if they can recommend a counsellor for the therapy you sound like you desperately need.

Seriously? All that for a guy you’ve never met?

ThanksAntsThants · 12/10/2022 19:38

You have nothing to gain. Move on.

OldFan · 12/10/2022 19:44

I think you should tell her, so she knows who she's really in a relationship with and has a choice.

User061022 · 13/10/2022 22:44

On one hand, I want to tell you to be selfish and just cut him off and move on.

On the other hand, you should do the right thing and let the poor girl know the reality of the situation. It's unfair to have someone live a lie when you have the power to give them that choice.

Stickmansmum · 13/10/2022 22:49

I think outing a cheater should be standard practice. Every fucking time. These bastards rely on women being conditioned not to.

Elmer83 · 14/10/2022 00:10

Omg! yes!! I’d want to know if I was her

Cantbelieveit101 · 14/10/2022 00:31

Yes, she deserves better.
And so do the future women he could do this to.

Booklover3 · 14/10/2022 02:41

I think you should tell her

SunsetsArePretty · 14/10/2022 03:47

Tell her and be proud of yourself for the doing the right thing. Then block them both and go for counselling if you feel you need support in putting it all behind you.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 14/10/2022 03:54

No definitely not . Block him forever & seek some counselling for yourself.

Crazypaving22 · 14/10/2022 05:38

You'll always get 50:50 on these types of threads. At the end of the day it comes down to whether you believe she should know.

FWIW I think it's cruel keeping this sort of thing from betrayed partners and would always tell, they deserve their personal agency and the truth of their lives.

girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 05:43

I'd want to know.

JulesCobb · 14/10/2022 05:46

in this case, id be FAR more concerned with what this man, who had lied and created a completely fake life for 16 months, knew about me.

category12 · 14/10/2022 05:50

So you were catfished?

Do you actually know if any of what you now believe about him is true? Could all still be bollocks.

Honestly I'd just leave it, and in future, don't invest emotionally in someone until you've met.

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 05:50

If you want to tell her, you'd have to have proof. Given he has told so many lies, could you prove to her it is really him talking to you?

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 14/10/2022 05:51

Yes tell her

JulesCobb · 14/10/2022 05:55

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 05:50

If you want to tell her, you'd have to have proof. Given he has told so many lies, could you prove to her it is really him talking to you?

Thats a good point actually. How do you know it is who you now think it is?

Guavafish1 · 14/10/2022 05:57

OLD is difficult. The general rule is to meet them early as text and phone conversations can lead to months of time wasting.

I would tell her.

he is a deceitful person but it’s an important ‘red flag’ lesson to learn when you OLD.

Ekátn · 14/10/2022 05:58

It’s difficult.

One one hand she should know.

on the other hand I think you need to remove yourself for anything to do with him at all. If you do tell her contact needs to be short. Factually, answer her questions then never bother with them again. No enquiry if how she is or what happened.

Honestly, I think you need to spend time looking after yourself. This is an online friend. It’s gone for ages but never met. You felt the need to gather evidence. Though I have no idea why you sent it to Samaritans. I assume you have needed support from them but unsure why they needed to see the 7 page document.

I fear, you have become a big obsessed by all this and want to tell her to drag it out. That wouldn’t be ok, because you would be using her to maintain this overly dramatic situation.

I think you might need to look at why you have become slightly obsessive about this. Surely one page of evidence he was a liar would have been enough to cut him off. And why you need an answer above ‘he is a lair and a fantasist and dickhead’.

Ekátn · 14/10/2022 05:59

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 05:50

If you want to tell her, you'd have to have proof. Given he has told so many lies, could you prove to her it is really him talking to you?

Wow, never even thought of that! That’s a really good point!