Actively single?

[voguelizzie]

Name change but regular user.

I'm permanently single aged 36. I had a very short lived relationship aged 23 which was really just a couple of dates which ended up in an incident of s. abuse.

Since then I've worked hard over many years to become happier with myself and who I am. I find myself now quite content living on my own, I have plenty of friends and family, a nice job and hobbies.

I think what I want to ask is whether it's 'ok' to not bother trying to find a relationship.. obviously no one can predict the future but I'm honestly at the point of shutting the door on relationships and assuming I'll be on my own the rest of my life.

I guess my biggest worry is whether I'll look back in 40 years and regret not actively looking.. but apart from the occasional twinge of loneliness I genuinely feel very happy with my lot in life. I don't think I want children either which takes a lot of pressure off.

I suppose I'm just wondering if it's ok to be ok with being outside 'the norm' and living a life that might seem a bit odd to others! Would appreciate any thoughts

If you’re more than content with your life as it is then I think your approach is fine. You don’t have to “shut the door”, that’s not necessarily what stopping actively looking or seeking a relationship out has to mean, it just means you’re giving yourself breathing space to be happy as you are and if you happen to ever meet somebody in the course of life you can explore that. And the thing is, a relationship isn’t a “now or never” thing: you mention worrying that you’ll look back and regret not being in a relationship - and if that’s the case you can always seek out a relationship then! Plenty of older couples meet later in life.

Two of my good friends are similar in the sense that they’re not closed to the idea of a relationship but aren’t actively seeking one out by OLDing / going out of their ways to meet men. One has an incredibly full life, a lot of friends, always something going on, and shares her home with one of her oldest and closest friends - so she’s never short of company or emotional support or a home cooked dinner or a good hug or a shoulder to cry on when she needs it (and she’s a good looking woman, sex when she feels like it it easily found!) The other lives with her sister and their widowed mum and is equally happy: she says she can’t think of a better sort of living situation - she lives with the two people who she loves and who love her unconditionally and they her.

And nobody I know thinks either of those friends weird - by the time you get into your thirties, most people have been bruised and through their share of relationship woes, recognises more what a good life is about and that it doesn’t have to involve the traditional relationship escalator marriage and children affair for women any more.

I’m a bit like this. I’ve been single for most of my thirties, had a couple of LTRs in my 20’s and a lot of dating, but really, I just can’t be bothered to look for a relationship. I wouldn’t rule it out though if I met someone really lovely naturally. My problem seems to be the one or two people in my life who seem to seriously have an issue with me not being bothered about finding someone and seem to want to stress me out over it, so I decided to avoid those people.

I know people who for different reasons chose not to marry, some now into their 70's are very happy with their life choices, but I know others who bitterly regret theirs. In one case she was raped by her boyfriend in her early 20's, this would have been early 1970's and she couldn't bare to trust another man but she had no support, counselling etc and feels bitter that lack of awareness means she couldn't heal

Only you can decide for you

I think it’s perfectly ok not to bother trying to find a relationship.

I went through 8 years of “actively not dating/not looking”. Though I confess the first couple of years were because “all men are lying, cheating bastards” (no guesses what brought that mindset on, lol). But from there I started living my life, doing my own thing and working through some issues I had. Somewhere in the middle of all that I realised I didn’t miss being half of a couple and didn’t need anyone to pay me compliments, be nice to me, take care of me and actually, I quite like the life I’ve carved out for myself. If someone comes along that catches my eye, then great, see where that goes.

But I’m not going looking. And I’m happy with that. Yes, I also feel lonely sometimes, but that passes.

I also don’t want/have children so maybe that does have something to do with it.

I think it's great. Too many people rely on relationships to give them purpose and identity.

It's good that you're content just as you are. You don't have to be anti-relationships. You just have to be pro-you. Maybe in the midst of all that, someone may come along. Or maybe not, but if you're fine with that then it's cool.

Do you want kids someday? Obviously that will require someone of the opposite sex but there are many different ways to become a parent nowadays and it doesn't have to mean having a partner.

I think it's great. Many women are decidedly single nowadays, so it's much easier to form a friend network in the old age and you won't need to find a man just to avoid loneliness.

I decided to 'not actively' look for another relationship after the break up with my ex 9 years ago. Perfectly content by myself, as are some of my friends.

After 5 years I met someone by chance. I'm very happy, although I will never live with nor marry him.

It'd fine to be be single l, but don't bolt the door shut.

Ahh thanks so much for the comments, you've helped me reaffirm im in the right headspace! Love what pp said about not being anti-relationships, I'm just pro-me! Great way to think about it 😊

I'm not actively looking, I think lots of men and women aren't (especially if they have or don't want children).
Relationships can be very hard work and emotionally draining, they can also be life-affirming and wonderful. But the latter seems very elusive and so looking at the odds it seems very reasonable not to activity look for one.

I get my kicks from the MN relationship board!

I think it's absolutely fine. I was in a long relationship (5 years together plus 20 married) and those years were mostly happy apart from the last 5 which were hell, and now I'm 5 years on from that and have zero interest in seeking out another relationship because I'm happy. My DC are amazing young adults, I have interests, friends and cats and I can't see a partner adding to that. Most of all I love not having to compromise about having what I want (within my financial envelope, obviously).

The only way I'll ever end up in a relationship again is if he literally falls into my lap and convinces me it will be worth bothering my arse all over again. It is extremely unlikely.

Even in a long term relationship, problems like loneliness and comfort - one of you has to die first, both of you might get sick in old age etc.

If it’s right for you right now to not be in a relationship and/or you just haven’t met the right person then great. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong about being single or in a relationship, and no need to put a timeline on it or make it forever. I’m 37 and in the same boat after my husband died 6yrs ago after being together/married 12 years. It just hasn’t worked out with dating since, and it’s a lot of work/time to find someone, and I’m happy enough as I am. I’ve experienced both and there’s advantages and disadvantages to being single and being in a relationship.

I think cultivating enough relationships in our lives is important because we’re a social species. There’s no right or wrong mix of whether your network is made up of friends, family or romantic relationships though.

I think it's perfectly fine. I know lots of women in the same boat. They just don't want a relationship.

Im single. For me, I have a 9YO DD and I don't want to share my time with her, when she's at her dads; I have a great friend network and a few FWB regulars I see. It works for me as they're a mix of guys who want to go for meals, some just want good sex and some want Netflix and chill. Depending on my mood and if they're free we can hook up. I can't imagine living with anyone again or even having the investment in a relationship. So this suits me. I appreciate its not for everyone.

interestingly of the single guys I actually know (that aren't FWB) that are dads, most of them are trying to find a relationship. I work in a male dominated environment so see a fair few blokes, but i definitely think guys are less able to be on their own.

if you decide later on you want a relationship that's fine too. It's not a now or never thing.

I'm turning 50 soon and am very happy single. In fact, probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. I have a great circle of friends, some married, some single. As it's just me, my money and time is all mine and it would take a lot for me to want to give up this life.

Some people have questioned my choice to remain single, but it's more curiosity than judgement, probably because I am a happy, fun person that has a good life. Some have said they are envious.

When you stop caring what others think and live your life as you want, there really is immense peace that comes with that. 🙂

I'm doing the same. There is sporadic interest from men but I've discovered that romantic relationships have almost always made my life worse. I guess you can only find that out if you have the temerity to be alone.
This lifestyle does require that close friends exist. Obviously great if I meet someone super someday, but I think the probability is realistically quite low.

I went to a party this weekend and there were 20 of us, all women around 45/50 years. I and one other were the only ones in long term relationships with children. I was blown away by the positive energy, creativity and personal choice and freedom of this group of women. Have to admit that l was more than a bit envious of their lives. So brilliant that women now have options and the traditional trajectory of marriage and kids is no longer viewed as the be all and end all. Enjoy all the lovely things in your life x

It's definitely fine to be ok with it, and I really hope you are. (Slightly knocks on the head the theory that you will meet someone when you stop looking - which I never believed anyway!)

Also which I was, much as I keep trying to convince myself...

Wish, not which.

I think people don’t talk so much about what you give up when you are in a romantic relationship. I’m a giving person. I’ve put a lot of time into the lovely men that I had LTRs with that didn’t work out because in the end we were not compatible (and this happens — nice people can still be complicated people, and something you thought you could put up with in Year 1 can seem quite different in Year 6). If only I had put that effort and energy and optimism into myself. It’s not like I’ve done nothing… but wow what I might have done if I had bet on myself alone! I do want children, and even that—I’ve put a LOT of effort into trying to have a LTR… when really what I wanted most was children. Perhaps if I had used that time to earn extra income and to have IUI with donor sperm I could have had children when I was young? There’s still hope, but I have some fertility problems now that will make things harder.