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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dealing with a difficult mother in law

13 replies

Coolcat34 · 12/10/2022 15:29

Hi everyone. I was just wondering if anyone would be able to offer some practical advice on an ongoing situation with my mother in law.

I am so fed up of her behaviour towards me, it is affecting my health too.

Firstly. I have to begin with the note that she can be okay; we can laugh about things. She can compliment you too.

However, above all she is just very controlling. The things she likes to control are just a step too far. This woman is unreal.

I have tried with her but I just think she is also a massive narcissist.

It is difficult to well and truly explain the things she does so please forgive me if there are gaps.

A big one is my weight. I am overweight I know. It is caused by a medical condition, I am still waiting for treatment. However, I am working to counteract that with exercise and a reduced sugar intake. Yet, it is not the most effective thing in the world.

She is super obsessed with my weight and has to make a comment everytime she sees me. I have developed a-bit of an odd relationship with food because of her. If she knows I have eaten something she considers unhealthy, she gives me the third degree.

She is obsessed with my exercise routine, and tells me I need to do more because she doesn’t believe I have this condition. She has actively told me if I stop seeing my sister at a weekend, I could use that time to go swimming and loose more weight. (My sister is partially sighted and needs help with things like shopping as she cannot read labels.) This woman is not skinny either, she is bigger than me.

I am getting to the point where I am so scared of eating and getting very upset that the exercise is not working to how I want it to be, but deep down I know it is not my fault. I am normally very healthy, but this condition limits me. The fact that I am so upset about it all is absolutely knackering me. I wake up everyday absolutely exhausted.

Another thing she does, is whinge about how I spend my money. I go to certain events suited to my interests a couple of times a year, tickets are usually about a tenner. Even at the event I will spend about £20. I’m not highly paid, but it doesn’t break the bank. She hates me going to these events because they are not in her vision of how a woman should be.

And that is another thing, the whole womanly expectations. Our washing machine broke down and we had to wash some clothes at her house. I previously bought some new female boxers. I don’t like anything thrilly because they tend to play havoc with my psoriasis. I bought these female boxers as something comfortable, she was whinging at me about them being womanly.

I just wondered if anyone had any practical advice on how to deal with this.

OP posts:
Topgub · 12/10/2022 15:46

Stop allowing her that level of access to your life?

Tell her to fuck off

Tell your oh to tell her to fuck off

Coolcat34 · 12/10/2022 15:50

Topgub · 12/10/2022 15:46

Stop allowing her that level of access to your life?

Tell her to fuck off

Tell your oh to tell her to fuck off

I don’t give her access really. She just says these things. At the time of the washing we had to other option.

OP posts:
Pandapop3 · 12/10/2022 15:52

Taking a step back seems like the most sensible option. She seems a bit too confident to voice her opinion. Remember it's your life and you don't need her approval.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 15:54

You obviously see her often enough for her to say it.

Stop seeing her.

And if she says anything tell her to mind her own business.

OriginalUsername2 · 12/10/2022 15:57

You need to lose your shit at her, just once to get the message across. Tell her off like she’s a rude child.

XmasElf10 · 12/10/2022 15:59

Stop seeing her anywhere near as often. Your DH and any kids can see her without you. You don't need to make excuses, tell your DH his mum is making you miserable and he can tell her anything he likes about why you aren't there but you won't let her be mean to you anymore.

Don't chat with her on the phone. If you answer the phone to her you say "hi MIL, I'll just get DH" and then put the phone on the table and go find DH. If she says "but I wanted to chat to you" you say "I'm sorry I'm up to my eyes at the moment, perhaps another time, bye... It feels a bit rude but you never have to speak to anyone on the phone you don't want to. Personally I screen my calls and I'd not answer the phone to someone I didn't want to speak to.

If you do find yourself speaking to her and she says something mean call her on it. "That isn't very nice, please don't comment on my weight." should work. For situations where she says "you could go swimming instead of seeing your sister" you say "hmm, I could". Doesn't mean I will, just means I don't want to argue with you. I do this plenty - I don't like arguing so "hmm, that's a possibility" covers all things.

You are doing this to yourself by engaging. She isn't your mum - just avoid her!

Cats4life · 12/10/2022 16:02

Does she make these comments about your weight in front of your husband?

Could you just say something like "I dont think it's appropriate we discuss this" or "I dont wish to discuss my body with you"

How often do you see her and where?

Topseyt123 · 12/10/2022 16:22

Back right off from her and stop engaging. You are allowing her way too much access to your life. It enables her shitty behaviour.

GG1986 · 12/10/2022 16:28

Tell her to piss off, it's that simple really. If my mil spoke to me like this then she wouldn't be allowed in my house.
Your OH should also be telling her to stop.

ilovelamp82 · 12/10/2022 16:33

I would give a simple, "I'm going to assume that these comments are out of concern for me, nevertheless I'm going to have to insist you stop commenting on my weight, food or exercise as it's actually having the opposite effect and I know you wouldn't want that, would you?"

Kerrylass · 12/10/2022 16:38

I agree with the poster who said you need to step back a little. Dont tell her where you go or how you spend your money. If she mentions your food, just politely say Do you mind if we wont talk about it anymore cause its getting me down. I get the impression that there are positives to your relationship, try to focus on those. My own mother in law was a battle axe and I had to bite my lip more times than i care to remember but her heart was good. She passed away this year and i'm glad i held a good enough relationship with her in the end and she had a great relationship with our children.

Coolcat34 · 12/10/2022 16:42

Thanks for the advice everyone. I will add to this that she is very sick with respiratory problems. Even my partner says she has got worse since her diagnosis. She is a battle axe and a very difficult woman who can pick fights about anything, she has had me in tears before but she has said sorry to me soon after.

Other than that she is too much a lot of the time and she loves everything to be perfect. But it’s her idea of perfect that gets in the way. Half the time I walk on eggshells with her and have become less confident in myself because she is like this, she can really make you second guess yourself.

OP posts:
Kerrylass · 12/10/2022 16:48

If shes unwell - hold your fire.

You need support from your DH to deal with her. Whats your Dh saying. Has he tried to explain to her that shes offending you.

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