Are my expectations too high?

[Diffuse39]

Interested to hear peoples opinions as I genuinely don’t know if I’m being too needy.
Been with DP for 7 years. We’re both 58 and divorced. Don’t live together, due to proximity of our homes and adult children still living at home. Both comfortable and happy with this.
We see each other every weekend.
Most weeks he works away, staying in air bnb or hotels. He works very hard and when he is away working that’s pretty much all he thinks about.
When we were first together he’d always text me Good morning and good night, even if there wasn’t opportunities to text at other times.
Over the last year or so this contact has dwindled and if I didn’t text first he just wouldn’t bother. Sometimes I text and he doesn’t even reply now.
im just getting a bit fed up with the lack of contact, it’s like he can’t even be bothered to send me a 30second text. I’ve talked to him about it and he just says he’s busy and just because he hasn’t messaged doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about me. But that’s how I feel.
Am I being too needy? Or would you expect some sort of daily contact if this was you?

I don't think that either of you are wrong - people need different amounts of contact.

DP and I spoke every day before we moved in together and if we were away/busy we would always text at least goodnight or something. I would say its pretty standard in a relationship so please don't gaslight yourself by questioning if you are allowed to be annoyed by it!

If you have spoken to him and nothing has changed then I think you have to consider whether or not the rest of the relationship is worth feeling like you aren't important to him while he is away.

Theres a common assumption that men tend to get lazier the longer a relationship lasts.

I read an article recently about how ‘communication gestures (can’t remember the exact description) are an important part of a relationship.

It where one partner makes a bid for connection with the other, and how the partner responds. It could be watching tv together and you brush their arm, or commenting on the weather, day, meal etc.

It sounds like something similar is happening here, if you are making all the gestures maybe he feels it’s not important to respond. Sometimes it’s the little things that can break a relationship. It got so bad with my husband that he hardly listened when I spoke, then accused me of not telling him things.

Its not a big ask (as you say 30 seconds). Perhaps if you scale down on your side, he may without knowing it himself up his game.

Many partners accept it, some just put up with it.

What does 'too needy' actually mean? Who sets the rules on how needy you should be? What's the upper limit on needs these days? Where are the rules? Who are you aiming to get your neediness level right for?

Thanks for replying. I suppose I felt after reading so many threads on here that I would be slated for being ‘too needy’.
I don’t really think I am needy but I would like a bit more effort especially when I can see he has been on messenger/Facebook but not bothered to message me!
It just makes me not want to bother either but then I feel like I’m left with weekends and not much else!
when we are together we’re good and get on well and he is considerate to me.

So the way he behaves is making you feel you don't want to bother, and you'd like more effort from him. Stop judging yourself. You're allowed to want what you want. Acknowledge it, and tell him. If he's not happy to give you what you need, you know what to do.

When me and my ex stopped messaging and then stoped the kisses on the end of those messages too - it was the beginning of the end - I just didn’t know it back then .

my current boyfriend works away during the week but still send good morning and goodnight texts like he always has done . He also messaged on his breaks .

it is the change in your partner that is concerning as something has made him stop making the effort and that is what you need to ask him about

I am totally with you on this one OP. My ex husband used to call me every day from work and we would chat. By the end or our (very long) marriage he would only call when he urgently needed something and text when he needs something not so urgently. 🙄So, instead of looking forward to his calls and texts I started dreading them. This was not the only reason why I left him, but to me this was an example of how little he cared for me apart from being rude and obnoxious of course.

I think that in a healthy relationship there has to be some contact. I mean you are already seeing each other very little, if you do not call and text in the meantime, what do you really get from the relationship. And no, you cannot know he is thinking about you if he does not actually say it to you. I do not know you, but I can guess that you cannot read minds, right?

That’s my point really. I don’t know he’s thinking of me if I don’t hear from him!
I get that once you’re in an established relationship the texting drops off but I want some contact when I’m not seeing him.
I also don’t want to be always the one making the effort!
I will talk to him again. Last time I just felt afterwards like I was being needy! Hence my question…
it’s good to know other people don’t think like that.
When we’re together we’re great! I just want more contact when we’re not!

One year in and you don't live together or see each other everyday I would expect texting to be strong. He texted more in the beginning so it's not his communication style, he just can't be bothered anymore.

spanishsteps
we’re 7 years in! We don’t live together for practical reasons, work, children, elderly parents…. If it was just us we would have made that move ages ago!

There is no generic level of 'needy'/'not needy'. There is no correct level of need. We are all different. You have the level of need that is 100% perfectly accurately right for you. If you talk to him, and end up feeling like you've placed excessive demands on him, then you are too needy for him.

You either have to compromise, or accept incompatibility. It doesn't sound like he's up for compromise, if you tried to talk to him before and ended up feeling needy. What did he say to you that made you feel that?

Oh my God I'm sorry it was right at the start of your op as well! I think I had too much screen time my eyes are going funny! Sorry.
Hmm 7 years.... I'd say getting complacent but it's not too much to say hi and good night in the evening and to reply back within reasonable time. Most adults take their phone to the toilet.. I'm sure he ate and went to the toilet he could have texted.

watchkeys
just that when he’s working away he’s busy and just thinking about work. So me expressing a need for contact made me feel ‘needy’ like I felt insecure. But I don’t feel insecure , in life I’m a strong independent person who juggles a demanding job with family life and I can cope without him. I just miss that feeling that I used to get when he messaged that I was important to him I suppose!

People who aren't insecure don't feel 'needy', and it's quite possible to be 100% strong, confident, driven and secure in your entire life, and insecure in your romantic relationship(s)

Missing someone is very different from feeling needy or insecure.

I just miss that feeling that I used to get when he messaged that I was important to him I suppose

I think you need to accept that your feeling is insecurity. You don't like feeling like you've lost importance in his mind and heart. There's nothing wrong with feeling insecure, but as a partner, it's up to him to reassure you. If he just makes you feel worse, that's not a good sign for how the two of you are relating to each other, i.e. your relationship.

I agree with everything WatckKeys is counselling you on.

But, oh OP, I smell a rat. I wonder if you do too?

Sounds like he could be losing interest and that he wants more of a casual relationship rather than being there emotionally on a daily basis. If this isn't enough for you, talk to him about what he wants vs what you want and see if it worth carrying on.

dating dinosaur
you’re right that watchkeys is giving good advice! But I’m 100% sure there’s no OW if that’s what you mean?
ive been there in the past and my DP just wouldn’t cheat! He is fundamentally a good man! I know some people find that difficult but he isn’t a cheater! He would just come out and tell me that he wanted to see someone else! or that he wanted out! I genuinely don’t think he wants out of our relationship he just doesn’t see the need to text me when he doesn’t see me.
I just need to work out if different communication styles really does work for me!

Lol, you are in no way being needy. I'd say that you are getting to the point where you are fed up with the crumbs he's giving. How do you find out if he cares? Just back right off and don't contact him. When you ask and he just comes out with an excuse - you know it is - ask again, he'll give you another excuse and various platitudes most likely and nothing changes. Does he miss you, or just keeping you on the back-burner? Be absent from his life for a while, when or if he finally asks, try the " yea, all good, just been busy", see how he likes it . Hopefully, it should then prompt a discussion, if not then he's just lost interest and you deserve better.

When you don't live together and see each other less, it's more important than ever to keep up communication, otherwise the connection is lost.