Other problems being fixed, still don't want to be intimate. Need to seperate

[Halloweenqueen5]

Short story. Been with husband for a very long time. Have school age kids. He works, I am a housewife. More his choice than mine, he earns decent money & wants me looking after the kids /house.
Financially we are reasonably OK. Never claimed benefits. Have a small amount of savings. Most important thing is we are mortgage free. I am currently applying for part time jobs.
We have had marriage problems for year's. No sex life, just drifted apart. Neither done anything wrong but just reached the end of the relationship. We are both aware of it and do talk about it but neither of us dare to be the one to say to seperate even though it would be for the best. Neither of us want to be apart from the children & have to share custody.
I just get on with things but things had started to affect my husband and he became depressed. It has been a very difficult past 12 months because of this. We've had a big talk, we are very open with each other. He's been to the gp, started medication, and therapy. He has really been trying hard & I really think highly of him for this.
So life hasn't been too bad this past few weeks as the problems are being worked on. But.... He has tried to instigate intimacy with me and he has wanted me to show him more affection etc. This is highlighted to me that the marriage can't be saved and I feel so so sad and so guilty about it. I don't feel any attraction to him anymore. Too much has happened. I thought once the other things improved, this would improve but it hasn't. I recoil if he touches me. I don't want to kiss him & I definitely don't want to have sex. If /when I do, this will be forced on my part because I really don't want to. I feel so awful about this. Its not his fault. I just don't feel that connection with him any more. It feels very forced & unnatural.
I've looked into the finances etc and I euld be OK and so would he if we seperated. I think we could manage financially. I think we would share custody of the children. But I just feel so trapped now. I can't bare to be the one to have to say it, I don't want to break his heart. We've been through so much and he's really trying. But I can't have a future with someone that I don't want to be intimate with. How do I find the strength to just take the leap and do it.? I think we will both be better for it in the long run

Bump

May I ask your age and if you are on any antidepressants? Both of those things in my experience reduced my libido to nothing. Or is it just the ick for your husband?

If the former, and you could avoid having sex with him, and he was happy with that (or at least accepted that) would you stay? Would you feel happy to give him hugs, a peck on the cheek, holding hands etc, if you knew it would never lead to sex.

I suppose you could try bringing up the lack or your libido and see what his answer is to that. He might say he ok with that, or say he cant live like that and suggest you separate.

If by any chance your husband finds the medication he’s taking (if it’s antidepressants) kills his libido too, would this work for you?

You have my sympathy, lack of libido is one of life’s nasty tricks that seems to happen to women more than men. I sometimes wonder if it’s natures way of ensuring women stay and make the commitment to the kids she already has, so ensuring survival of the species.

Relationship counselling where you can bring this up in a safe place? You are allowed of course to leave a marriage for any reason, and having done this myself, I know how hard it is to broach the subject.

Just wanted to say that you are not alone 💐

I would say that a big part of the problem is that he’s decided you should be an SAHM. That’s not okay. Not everyone is cut out for it (I wasn’t) and no-one should be forced into it. What this means is that your financial independence and career prospects have taken a massive hit. The fact that you can get by on one salary is not a reason to do this. I don’t know if you going back to work will help your marriage - I suspect not - but I think it will help you.

Just because you haven’t said it doesn’t mean it’s not true, in your case, painfully so. If not hurting him is the goal, what do you think this situation is doing?

Rip the plaster off, limbo is no one’s best interest.

Have you thought that maybe your husband is doing the exact same thing you are? Trying not to spit up family/break your heart. Just be honest with him, you're both living the same relationship, it sounds like you feel the same way, you could have a really amicable break up. Having been broken up with before by someone I was unable to break up with myself because he would be devastated, unable to cope etc. etc., it turned out we were both much happier apart and both flourished.

Do you feel that you could give sitting together close and watching a movie, holding hands a try?

If you can't bear a cuddle on the sofa or other small gestures of affection and kindness, then the marriage is likely over.
I ask as sometimes the longer your go without doing anything, the more likely you just can't be bothered with it.

OP, you could be brave and break it appart, but I know of people who regreted divorcing and that is a very sad outcome.
If it is just drifting appart, with no serious issues and incompatibilities between the two of you, I would fight for it.
He has what you are looking for, you were once attracted enough to him to promise him the rest of your life and have children with him. You do have what he wants too. Try to find each other again.
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We do try to be close in other ways. We sit together and watch TV every night and hold hands or cuddle, but inside I'm feeling gon edge and anxious incase he tries to push for more. We both really do try. But it just doesn't feel natural to me anymore. And I can see that it hurts him and I know I am contributing to his depression which makes me feel absolutely awful. I do love him, and I care about him so much. I'm just not in love with him anymore. I just want to be friends.

Are you peri menopause age ? Because this is classic per IME.

I understand. Also asking if you're near menopause age?

I used to be such a lady horn dog until menopause it is and now nothing. I do enjoy the cuddles, making out type of thing but the actual act,.. blergh.

HRT and some testosterone cream might be helpful if you still love him as a friend/companion but not sexually anymore.

My vote would be for living together as friends .And you having an identity that is in addition to being a wife and mother .