How to avoid being clingy?

[JasonK]

Hello everyone,

I know this might sound childish, but how do you avoid being clingy and always "there"?
I am dating this woman for three months now, we both are 35 and lately we've slept every night in the same bed. We talked a lot during the day, but the past two days, we didn't interact that much during the day because she was having a really hectic period at work, so I've became annoyed a bit, like a kid that doesn't get attention.

I've tried to avoid saying anything because is stupid and selfish from my part, but I feel that I am becoming needy and clingy.

I am well experienced, been in relationships about 13 years of my life, dated a lot, and knew how not to put my eggs in one basket, so I am trying hard not to ruin this, but I feel like a teenager again.
So, any advices?

Well it sounds very full on already. It's only been a few months and you are already spending every night together.

You need to have your own life too. Surely you have stuff you need to do, laundry, a book you want to read, friends or family to see, a tv show you watch, a meal you fancy cooking, household stuff, admin etc.

It's probably down to self-esteem. Be confident in who you are and crack on with your own life and you will be more interesting to other people then if you moon all over each other.

@fruitbrewhaha

Thank you.
Actually, spending each night together started after we had zero plans for our days off from work and decided to go together in a road trip that lasted three weeks. Turned out to be really fantastic.
Since coming back we spent almost every night together.
It came natural, nothing forced, we really wanted and want to do that.

I am a guy that gives you my confidence, I don't check you, your phone, messages, etc, but sometimes I end up feeling like that.
I am afraid, like you said, I will end up mooning all over her.

If someone I had been seeing for 3 months got annoyed because I was in a busy period at work, I would run for the hills. Pull back now before it's too late.

Do you work? Have hobbies and interests outside of this relationship?

The way you're talking is alarming. 3 months in and having thoughts of snooping through her phone. Get a hold of yourself.

@gamerchick

I think you read that wrong, I am saying I never did that and will never do it, I am not the type. I give the other the space needed.

Yep, I work, have hobbies and so on, I just feel needy a bit and I don't understand why and I am trying to avoid doing that.

You need to plan to do some stuff without her and get her to do the same. People in new relationships tend to drop their mates. Keep your own life going with what ever filled it before you met. And if she is busy with work, respect that and give her space. You sound intense tbh.

I do and I don't know why is that.
I am not like that at all, never was. It just the last two days, the rest I've been pretty chill about it, but the last two days I felt intense.
We've just booked a holiday for the next month. Maybe is that?

You said you sometimes feel like that. The thought shouldn't even be in your head at all.

Do stuff without her. You don't need to be joined at the hip, even though oxytocin is powerfully addictive. It's still a good thing to keep a separate life.

Keep busy physically and mentally, and give yourself a good talking to if you feel all moon-y so you get your feet back on the ground. Feelings are strong things, and the early stages of a relationship can be intense, even when no longer a teenager.

at the same time, if the actual problem is that you have a gut instinct that something is ‘up’ with her, MN advice is always to not ignore it. Don’t, whatever you do, bombard her with texts or be stalkerish re phone etc, but see how things go over time. Good luck!

I've tried to avoid saying anything because is stupid and selfish from my part

Grow up. Stop calling your relationship wants and needs 'stupid' and 'silly'. Acknowledge what you want. Communicate it to your partner. If they don't want to/can't give it to you, then step away and find someone you're compatible with.

Recognise that you are who you are. Don't change yourself to fit other people, change your people to fit yourself.

My partner is clingy, as am I to a degree - him more so (and he admits that). I think it works if you're both the same...or she's okay with you being clingy. Some relationships are 'clingier' and more intense than others. You just need to communicate how you feel to her instead of masking it so she can decide whether a clingy partner is what she wants. I can't imagine my boyfriend any other way, he's so loving and caring...and just genuinely loves my company and wants to be around me - we get on like best friends and it's so easy. He worries alot, but we are human. I think it's common on mumsnet that people are told they don't need to be with men like this and we aren't rehab for broken men...but clingy, needy, worrying men are just as loveable! I'm my boyfriend's safe space and I absolutely love that, if he overthinks - he comes to me. If he's excited - he comes to me. We take the good and the bad together. I think maybe you're feeling clingy because this one's different? More intense, more feelings than you're used to at this stage? It's all very scary!

It sounds like you are really into each other, those feelings are very strong at first. But obviously if she is busy for a couple of days don't be cross about it, find your own things to be busy with. Hang out with a friend or do something for yourself, go for a run or whatever. Have something to talk about when you get together again.

It is most odd that you mention you wouldn't be checking her phone. Why did that occur to you to mention? You have to trust people. Would you say you have trust issues?

@fruitbrewhaha
@gamerchick

I think that might have been lost in translation. English is no my first language so maybe that?
What I've meant is that I am not the type of person to do that, to bomb somebody with messages, expect them to tell me everything they are doing and so on. I give them my trust, is theirs to keep it or ignore it.

@fruitbrewhaha
I don't think I have trust issues per se, not more than the other. I know I make her happy, I can see that, but I can't understand why the last two days were so odd. We have a good connection, we "feel" each other so maybe she wasn't ok with work and sent me signals and I received them this way?

@all
Thank you for some input. We are getting along really well, I like her and I see myself taking steps further with her as a couple.

We have a good connection, we "feel" each other so maybe she wasn't ok with work and sent me signals and I received them this way?

You barely know this woman.

You've known her for 90 days.

This might just be how she is when she's busy with work.

This is why it's a good idea to get to know someone at a pace that doesn't create false intimacy / a sense of knowing someone deeply when, like in your case, you've been dating them for 90 days.

You say she's changed the last few days. People's moods, emotional capacity and headspace fluctuate depending on their life outside the relationship.

You need to have a life outside the relationship too in order for the relationship to be healthy.

You're getting into obsessive headspace territory now, second guessing her behaviour and labelling it out of character to yourself when you don't really know her character. You know what she's like in the early stages of a relationship, that's it.

She may be a good fit for you, she may not. Your communication styles may mesh, they may clash. You may be more into it eventually, she may be more into it eventually.

You're dating. That's when you naturally figure out all of the above at a pace that doesn't cause you anxiety and doesn't create a false sense of depth of intimacy / knowing someone.

Chill.

@monsteramunch has nailed it. You’ve been in a bubble created by the whirlwind and intensity of your first 90 days together which has created a false sense of familiarity. You don’t really know each other yet or rather neither of you really knows what the other is like in normal day to day life.

Your relationship needs to have space in it for you both to work, do things separately and spend time with other people otherwise it will become a cage.

There are no guarantees but it sounds like things are good. So relax - give her room for work and activities which don’t involve you; make sure you also have activities that don’t involve her. Let your relationship unfold in a real world way.

The practical advice as PP have said is to chill. Even when this doesn't match your feelings or you don't want to - make a conscious and active decision to let her have space and to give yourself space to do your own things. Fill your time with other things that make you happy. Remember that seeing someone after a few days apart can be even better than being in their pockets 27.

Would also have a think about where your clinginess is coming from. Is it really 100% that you enjoy her company so much at all times that you can't stand to be away from her? Or do you fear that the relationship might end if you're not actively participating in it at every moment? If there's a fear of abandonment going on you need to work on that more deeply, maybe with a therapist, before it starts to manifest in controlling or jealous ways.

I am a guy that gives you my confidence, I don't check you, your phone, messages, etc,

What a weird train of thought. Most people don’t do those things! It’s not a special feature.

If you want to stop being clingy, then stop being clingy. You can’t control how you feel, but you can control how you behave.

Thanks everyone.

I needed that. I will focus also on my own things, doing them as usual, before I started this relationship.
I agree that is still early, we are together for 90 days now, we know each other a while back, but never been friends, different groups, etc, but I get what you are saying. You can also go through life without fully knowing your partner.

@gannett
I think it's both? I love her company, she is caring and all comes natural. I do not expect anything of it, just go with it and see how it develops, but inside I want it to really work.
But also yeah, there is a fear there, a fear I tried to solve in the past (therapy) that something awesome might end if we do not talk a lot. Had two long distance relationship in my young adult life that ended because of that and left scars.

Thought there might be something like this. Keep working on it. It's not a healthy way to think and I suspect you know this rationally.

Relationships are risks, that's inherent when you make yourself vulnerable to another person. They end for all sorts of reasons, and no reasons at all. You can't spend your time trying to guarantee they won't end or operating in pre-emptive self-defence mode.

I can relate, been there. All I can say is, just relax.

Think about it - if you've been in a relationship 13 years, you're used to someone being there and probably living with you, seeing them every day. In your new relationship, you've just had that really intense stage of being together every day. Having a few days on your own... Almost feels like withdrawal. Of course you miss her. It's nice that you do.

Me and my man used to talk for hours every day and see each other 4 days out of 7 for maybe 6 months. Then he had some life events where he needed a bit of space and me-time. That's normal - everyone has the right to space and this kind of intensity can't last forever. So he'd take a few days occasionally when we'd talk little/ not at all.

I missed him. A lot. I'd spend a lot of time thinking about us and decide in my head he was no longer interested. Then I'd text him and ask why he was no longer interested in me! This happened more than once. Luckily somehow he thought I wasn't a complete psycho and stuck around 😂

Don't be that person. Understand that everyone has different boundaries and needs, and right now she needs to focus. It's not to do with you. Well it is a little bit - she needs to think about work, not how much she fancies you, and also she doesn't want to give you substandard together-time when she is busy.

So think:

• This is not about you, it's about the way she focuses. Don't make it about you, not everything is about you
• She did the right thing by communicating it, it's not like she just disappeared off
• Keep busy. See friends you've neglected, do the things you need to do etc
• If you can't get her off your mind, maybe make some plans for next time you're together
• Remember - she has asked for a bit of quiet time to focus. You giving her that time shows how much you care for her, respect her wishes
• Think about all the ways she has demonstrated she's into you. You don't need reassurance of her love constantly, if she has spent all that time with you, it's obvious she's into you
• Remember also that as relationships progress and become more secure, you stop living in each others' pockets anyway, so occasional quiet time is normal in addition to couple-time

Looking back, in your shoes I wish I would have realised the following earlier:

"You don’t need weekly progress reports updating you on where she stands and how he feels.
If you put pressure on the relationship, you squeeze the life out of it and it stops being enjoyable and fun. Don’t push her for reassurance or test her to see how much she cares about you. Just realise she does and hold on to that conviction."

"A man cannot be a whole society to a woman and a woman cannot be a whole society to a man. 
Don’t expect her to be your best friend, therapist, financial advisor, source of gossip, business partner, and a hundred other things. That will eventually lead to a codependent relationship wherein none of you are growing. You will bore each other to death."

Spending some quality time alone often leads to better quality time together.

Oh and just to add, you say you've never been the type of person to be clingy...

Me neither. It bloody scared me, it was weird to need someone's atttention this intensely as I'm usually really laid back in relationships.

You probably just really care about her and want it to work. It's called relationship anxiety. You need to come back to a more relaxed and secure mindset to let the relationship flourish and enjoy it.

It's good that you're self-aware and acknowledge that clinginess 😎

Isn't this just a sign that you love her very much and want to spent more time with her? It sounds very natural to me, no need to be harsh on yourself. Why don't you just let her know how much you miss her, but you understand she has to focus on work at the moment and you are looking forward to spending more time together when her work is sorted? She will probably give you a response that makes you feel more comfortable.

Just wanted to pop on here and say what a great post @WhiteChocMocha lots of what you've said has really resonated with me.

@WhiteChocMocha

What a great post! Thank you!

Thanks guys!

I wish I’d realised some of the above at the start of my relationship so hope it helps.
Sounds like you and your partner are broadly on the same wavelength in terms how much together time you want, just enjoy having a different sort of couple of days and you know you’ll see her/ talk to her again soon enough.