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Original poster

I’m worried I am being a ‘wendy’

23 replies

Askinvillarblues · 12/10/2022 11:36

Remembering a thread from a while ago where a newish friend came into an existing friendship group and then made someone else feel that they didn’t belong…

Slightly different situation, but I’m relatively new to an area where lots of people have been friends for a long time. I’ve tried hard to fit in and put myself out there with hobbies, kids etc and have found a group of friends that I really like and get on well with. Sometimes we do things all together, sometimes in smaller groups although I’m not often invited to the smaller get togethers. I’m not offended if I’m not included as I know they have been friends for a long time and their kids are friends too. BUT one of them seems to have taken a bit of a dislike to me for some reason - I’m not quite sure why and feel a bit weird asking as there’s nothing I can put my finger on, she just seems a bit off with me in particular. But I really like the group and the women, and want to carry on meeting up, either a one big group or in smaller groups of 2 or 3. The trouble is, the one who is a bit off with me is very much the ‘leader’ and I am worrying that if I make plans with one or two of the others, then I’m inadvertently ‘wendying’ her 😬. Am I?! Or is it ok for me to arrange to meet up with a couple of the others without feeling I’m leaving her out? I was so happy thinking I’d found myself a group of friends and now I’m tying myself in knots wondering if I’ve upset her and what to do next!

OP posts:

Izzywhizzyisverybusy · 12/10/2022 11:44

If she is being hostile with you she probably wouldn’t want you to include her in smaller meet-ups you arrange anyway. There is a possibility she feels threatened by you because you are new or maybe she just preferred the status quo before you came along.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I wouldn’t think you were being a ‘Wendy’, if anything, it sounds like she’s trying to push you out. There’s always going to be someone like this in most situations, just ignore her and make the most of the new friends that you do enjoy the company of.

Original poster

Askinvillarblues · 12/10/2022 12:25

Thank you, I've been really questioning myself and what I've done to upset her. She's not being obviously hostile, more a combination of lots of little things that perhaps I'm a bit oversensitive about - e.g. it was my birthday recently and everyone wished me happy birthday on our group WhatsApp but she totally ignored that and talked about something else in the middle of all the birthday messages... it felt really obvious that she didn't wish me a nice day. Honestly don't know what I've done though 😥

OP posts:

Notaboutthebass · 12/10/2022 13:05

I would find some more friends. I wouldn't bother with this group having her in it!

inthemiddlepiggyinthemiddle · 12/10/2022 13:23

A'Wendy'? FFS wasn't a 'Karen' bad enough? That seems to be slowly dying a death and now we come up with another derogatory term.

Izzywhizzyisverybusy · 12/10/2022 13:24

Askinvillarblues · 12/10/2022 12:25

You likely haven’t done anything.You said that she is the ‘leader’. I find with these queen bee types they can’t stand anyone else getting any attention, you coming into the group new would gain you some attention, and the others all going out of there way to wish you happy birthday would be getting you some attention. She probably changed the subject to either get the attention onto herself, or just to take it away from you. The best way to deal with people like this is to ignore and act like you haven’t noticed. If you seem like it’s upset you in anyway she will see it as a ‘win’ over you. Focus on the friends you do like in the group and don’t let her push you out.

goblinkinggoblinking · 12/10/2022 13:27

inthemiddlepiggyinthemiddle · 12/10/2022 13:23

A'Wendy'? FFS wasn't a 'Karen' bad enough? That seems to be slowly dying a death and now we come up with another derogatory term.

Exactly. WTF is a "Wendy"?

I couldn't be arsed to read your post because of your use of what I can only assume is a completely twatty term

LondonWolf · 12/10/2022 13:30

It's a term that's been around for eons on MN and whenever challenged is vigorously defended and so it continues. From a book apparently 🙄

Izzywhizzyisverybusy · 12/10/2022 13:31

goblinkinggoblinking · 12/10/2022 13:27

Exactly. WTF is a "Wendy"?

I couldn't be arsed to read your post because of your use of what I can only assume is a completely twatty term

Show quote history

If you want to go down that rabbit-hole “twatty” is also derogatory to women.

LondonWolf · 12/10/2022 13:32

If you want to go down that rabbit-hole “twatty” is also derogatory to women.

Can't see how it's the same tbh. Wendy is an actual given name that has been co-opted to mean something really mean and sly. I don't know anyone called "Twat" do you?

Lilithslove · 12/10/2022 13:39

LondonWolf · 12/10/2022 13:32

If you want to go down that rabbit-hole “twatty” is also derogatory to women.

Can't see how it's the same tbh. Wendy is an actual given name that has been co-opted to mean something really mean and sly. I don't know anyone called "Twat" do you?

Twat means vagina @LondonWolf

PortiasBiscuit · 12/10/2022 13:41

A Wendy is a woman who disappears after a strange male person appears in her bedroom at night.. I guess?

LondonWolf · 12/10/2022 13:43

Twat means vagina @LondonWolf

Yes, I am aware

Original poster

Askinvillarblues · 12/10/2022 13:58

Oh god I didn’t mean to offend anyone with the use of the term - it was only in reference to an old thread where ‘Wendy’ was the person who pushed someone out of the friendship group. Was just thinking of it as a bit of shorthand for the situation in Mumsnet terms rather than as someone’s name. But massive apologies for any offence caused.

OP posts:

JaNaJanice · 12/10/2022 13:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/10/2022 14:00

I wouldn’t worry about it.

Meet up with the others as as you wish, as long as you also suggest full group get togethers. Smaller groups are something they already do.

Either she’s chippy cos you’re new, or she doesn’t like you, or who knows. Just be pleasant and otherwise ignore.

Rosehugger · 12/10/2022 14:00

It's not offensive as no-one is actually called Wendy, other than in 1970s sitcoms. Like Barbara or Brenda. Nope.

Rosehugger · 12/10/2022 14:01

If you don't like her, and she doesn't like you, I don't think you need to worry about upsetting her. Sounds like she needs Wendying the fuck out of to me.

honeylulu · 12/10/2022 14:32

Wendying is when a new person is invited into a group who then seeks to exclude the friend who introduced them.

A Helen is a new person who enters a group and monopolises it (or chosen members) pushing existing members out or to the periphery.

You don't sound like a Wendy but grumpy person might be worried that you are a Helen and feel threatened, particularly if you are popular with the others.

Fairyliz · 12/10/2022 14:38

So you have a group WhatsApp; I would put out any invitations on that.
So a general open invite to everyone ‘ hi does anyone fancy doing X on Y date’. That way you can’t be accused of leaving anyone out, but those who don’t want to come will be able to say they are busy.

crowsfeet57 · 12/10/2022 15:18

It's not offensive as no-one is actually called Wendy, other than in 1970s sitcoms. Like Barbara or Brenda. Nope

I know a few people called Wendy, also a few Barbaras and a Brenda!

fayebebaby · 12/10/2022 15:21

Rosehugger · 12/10/2022 14:00

It's not offensive as no-one is actually called Wendy, other than in 1970s sitcoms. Like Barbara or Brenda. Nope.

plenty of Wendy’s about and to the best of my knowledge I’ve never appeared in a 1970s comedy - I did work with a Brenda though years ago

Iammatrix · 12/10/2022 15:35

I am offended!

redskyhaze · 12/10/2022 15:45

If people regularly meet up in smaller groups without inviting you/ others, yes of course it's fine to meet in a smaller group and invite who you like. Don't indulge silly games, you're an adult, be friends with the people you like.

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