Do breaks ever work?

[WhatIsThisPlease]

My DP and I haven't been getting on very well. I've asked him to move out and he's rented a house for 6 months to give us both space. I haven't seen him for over a week (my choice, I said I needed to get my head around everything) but we're going out on Friday night. We're still 'together', just not living together.

Has anyone's relationship ever improved from having a break or do I need to accept it's the beginning of the end?

Have you explicitly agreed on whether or not you can date others during the break?

Yes, neither of us wants to, or will date others.

This is just to give us both some space and try to fix whatever isn't working at the moment.

That's reassuring. I have no experience with regards to breaks, but I can't see why it wouldn't work out.

It's just really hard trying to work out who we are now? It's not like before we moved in together when it was all new and exciting! I just can't help thinking we've taken a massive step backwards

Thank you though. I suppose we'll just have to give it time and see what happens. Not easy for me, I like to have a plan - this 'seeing how it goes' isn't good for me

Living together isn't all it's cracked up to be. Especially with DC involved

How long have you been together and how long have you been living together? Mostly I don't think "taking a break" tends to work out BUT I do know one couple who took a temporary break, had couples counselling and managed to get their relationship back on track. They said him moving out was what it took to make them both realise they really wanted to fight for their relationship and the counselling helped them work through their issues. But they'd been together over 25 years. I think in a shorter relationship it's less likely to work out. Could you try couples counselling together to try and work through the issues?

A friend and his partner had been together for a long time but decided that living together wasn't for them.

They now live separately, although see each other most days.

This has worked successfully for MANY years!

I do wonder if separate houses might be the answer?

We've been together 9 years, no DC together so that makes it easier. Most of the problem is that he isn't getting on with one of my DC so I've had to put them first and ask him to move out. I don't want them feeling uncomfortable in their own home.

Counselling is a good idea. I think I get a few sessions through work.

It depends what 'works' looks like for you.
If you hope the break will turn him into a changed person who gets on well with your DC, then it's highly unlikely.
If you think it will give you an opportunity to trial running the relationship differently, not living together basically, then yes, it will give you a chance to see if this is a way forward for you.

I think it depends on what the issue in the relationship is. If the issue is that he does none of the domestic work then it will probably work - until he moves back in, because people rarely change.

How does him not getting on with your child look? What’s being done to fix that? Because obviously it won’t be an issue while he isn’t there, but it’s also not going to suddenly resolve, then the same issue will come up if he moves back in.

@5128gap

I think this is exactly what we need - to trial a different kind of relationship. My DC are almost grown up, 18 and 16 so not going to be around for years and years. Maybe this has to be the way until either they're older still, or have moved out.

@Kanaloa

He actually does lots and lots of the house stuff, particularly gardening, ironing, washing etc so not a problem there. It's more the fact that he doesn't agree with my parenting style. He thinks I'm too soft whereas I think he's too strict and picks arguments where they're not needed or beneficial.

He had a brain injury a few years ago which has made him less tolerant. I feel terrible for asking him to move out but I want my children to be happy in their own home so this seems like the only way for now.

Unfortunately in that case I think a break will only work insofar as he won’t be there anymore. It won’t work when he moves back in. If he wants to pick at your children his tolerance isn’t likely to grow towards them. Maybe you could still be together but live separately until your children are older? I think you’re doing the right think for them.

Just don't let the words "we were on a break" EVER come into this.

Hmm. It didn't and it didn't work for me.

We took a 'break' after about four or five years together. It just wasn't working, we were quite different people really, having got together young and then grown up a bit. We just weren't getting along and, I don't know, we were both questioning the future.

We did get back 'together' after about six months apart. We had been in touch throughout but I dated someone else very briefly, no idea if he did, we didn't ask or tell.

We stayed together for about another five years and got married. The marriage lasted 18 months.

Looking back, although the relationship did last a while after we had the break and ultimately we did get married, we should have split up at the time. The issues were all still there really and we were flogging a dead horse, throwing good money after bad and all the cliches. I think these were masked initially because we were sort of on our best behaviour after the break and then at the end because of planning the wedding and all that. It was only after the wedding dust settled that the 'oh shit' feeling really sunk in.

Only you can decide for your own situation because it might be a good thing for you and every relationship is different. But I'll tell you what I should have told myself - don't hang on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Argh I typed out a whole message then lost it as the page auto-refreshed!
We separated three times in 12 years, for three different reasons, and each time we have come together stronger so it can work. We talk openly to each other but we don’t tell other people eg relatives when we separate, it’s always explained that one or both of us is working away for a while, as we don’t want external speculation or advice, but we wouldn’t have chosen that job etc if there hadn’t been something to sort out between us.

I would like to try this - being together but living separately, I'm just not sure whether I'm deluding myself that this would work - hence the post!

Thank you for your comments about doing the right thing though. I feel like I probably am but it's nice to hear it from someone else.

I don’t think you’re deluding yourself if you are both open to working on the thing driving you apart atm and being up front with each other about thoughts/feelings, and open to compromise while being clear about what are deal breakers for you both.

@mistermagpie

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have to be honest, that's what worries me. We've had ups and downs over the years but this is the worst by far. He said some pretty hurtful things about my DD.

I do, truly understand how hard it must be to live with someone else's children and it isn't something I could do, but I can't get my head around the fact that he said what he was thinking. Out loud. To me. He even admitted before he said it that he shouldn't be saying it - and then said it anyway! When I asked him to move out he didn't offer to work things out or try to apologise and that's what I can't get past at the moment.

There have been a few bad patches over the years and it's hard to know if this is, in fact, me flogging a dead horse?

I've honestly never been so confused in my whole life.

I suppose I have to give it a little bit of time and work out what this new 'us' is.

@youtwoandme

😂😂

We are definitely on a break!!!!

God, I don’t know if I could move past that. My oldest two are not DH children but he treats them as his own. I couldn’t imagine him saying ‘hurtful things’ about my DD. Were they hurtful as in cruel or just hard to hear? There’s obviously a difference between ‘dd can be really rude and disrespectful’ and ‘dd is a horrible little cow.’

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

You have given me hope! Like you, I haven't told many people. Only those who would notice that he's not here. He works locally so couldn't get away with saying he's working away.

It's just very different at the moment, not really awful and not brilliant either. Just different.

We're going out on Friday for a meal so hopefully we can do some talking then.

Thank you for replying, I'm glad things worked out for you

@Kanaloa

I've spoken to a few people who know her well to gauge their opinions and I just don't think what he said was true? Certainly nobody I asked agreed.

Things like, "she needs to grow a backbone, she's weak, she'll live with me forever because she can't do anything for herself, she's scared of everything, she's a drama queen, she needs to grow up"... She is quite literally none of these things. She's actually quietly determined in everything she does. She's just done amazingly well in her GCSEs after working really really hard for instance.

She'd just stated a new school, 3 times the size of her own and was really struggling. He never asked how she was getting on and that really hurt me. Which led to this argument and here we are.

I just can't live with someone who feels that way about her, let alone feels the need to say it to my face!