Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please help advise me on boyfriend feel sad

20 replies

Helpadviseme · 12/10/2022 11:03

So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and he treats me very well. He cooks for me and leaves me love notes sometimes, buys me little lovey gifts, expresses his love for me a lot etc. so it came birthday and he woke up early and said oh is it your birthday , I said yes and he said oops I almost forgot. He knew weeks before when it was my birthday. So anyway I thought he would have went and got me atleast a card and he didn’t. I hinted to him that I wanted my birthday to be special with him so he said he would take me out for a meal and it felt a little forced. at bedtime when we were in bed he fell asleep and I couldn’t stop crying I was so hurt he didn’t get me atleast a card and I asked him if he did that to his ex girlfriends and he said yes and they were mad at him. I said well I’m quite hurt too. I left crying and the next day we had an argument over it. Then he said “us girls all this the same, birthdays r overrated and he was upset because he said he treats me well the rest of the time “ so basically why should he bother for my birthday and then he told me his grandad died on his birthday and ever since he’s hated birthdays.
I just thought there’s no point in going on so I left it at that. Do you think I’m out of order ? and how can I deal with him doing this every year to me? It will really hurt me next year if he does this again

OP posts:

Chattycathydoll · 12/10/2022 11:04

He needs therapy to deal with this grandad dying on his birthday business.

Original poster

Helpadviseme · 12/10/2022 11:11

But how do I deal with him doing this to me every year? It really really made me so sad

OP posts:

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/10/2022 11:12

You either talk to him about how it makes you feel and then depending on his answer, you stay or leave.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/10/2022 11:13

Didn't mean the random either in there

fruitbrewhaha · 12/10/2022 11:34

So he'll buy you little gifts randomly but when he is supposed to, he "forgot". All feels a bit rubbish really. And he can be anti his own birthday but his granddad didn't die on your birthday. He only had to get you a card and something nice, it's so easy to buy for women, a bit a costume jewellery, hair accessory, bag, chocolates and wine, a couple of books, nice mug. Honestly there is so much he could have got you which wouldn't have been expensive and would have showed he cared.

Namechanged454 · 12/10/2022 12:04

I'll go against the grain here but if he shows you such love and affection all of the time, does it really matter that he didn't get you a card? 6months in? It's not like you've been married and then all of a sudden he's forgotten a birthday, this is all still early days and he took you out for a meal? My boyfriend didn't get me a card for my first birthday we were together - he did however plan a weekend in London. I remember being a bit sad about it, and made some sarcastic/jokey comments And he just said he's not into cards...it wasn't anything personal he's just never been one to buy cards on birthdays. Yes it can cost as little as 50p to get a card, but whatever he would've wrote in it he tells me every day anyway so now I've just let it slide and I'm not bothered by it. I still get him a card, as I do for everyone, but I now just understand that it's just the way he is. I'd rather accept him for how he is, than him feel like he has to get a last minute cheap card just so he can get away with not being told off. If he's amazing in all other areas - surely this can slide?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/10/2022 12:08

Does he celebrate his Moms birthday? His mates? etc?

If so, then you need to reframe it from him DOING this TO you to this is how he is. You can still leave. You can dump him for any reason. But whilst you're putting yours in the centre of his overall attitude to birthdays, you're always going to take it personally and it's not.

SandAndSea · 12/10/2022 12:26

I'd be upset too, OP and I think if it's important to you, then it's important.

My partner sees birthdays differently to me so I was in a similar situation to you years ago. We got round it by talking about it. I think you need to make it clear to him that this is one of those things which is really important to you. Be warned though that it might take a few years for him to really get this. If you're still together next year, talk to him in advance and plan something nice to do together. Think about setting up a Pinterest page with present ideas too.

How is he about Christmas? It's probably worth talking about that in advance too.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2022 12:48

I think this is very deliberate of him, for some fucked up reason. A power play maybe, who knows, but I wouldn't hang around to deal with it. Walk away now.

Naunet · 12/10/2022 13:10

Well all I would say is that if you decide to stay with him, don’t ever celebrate his birthday if he ignores yours. There’s so many women who seem to go all out for their partners birthdays, only to not even get a card in return. Don’t fall into that trap.

It'll be interesting to see what his approach to Christmas is.

CovertImage · 12/10/2022 15:04

I disagree with this. I wouldn't be talked into something being important to me just because it's important to someone else. And all of the crying in the OP's post would go nowhere to persuading me

SandAndSea · 12/10/2022 15:18

CovertImage · 12/10/2022 15:04

I disagree with this. I wouldn't be talked into something being important to me just because it's important to someone else. And all of the crying in the OP's post would go nowhere to persuading me

That's fine, but it's only by having these conversations that you can work out if you're compatible long-term.

Heavenknows22 · 12/10/2022 15:21

Did he actually take you out for the meal?

redskyhaze · 12/10/2022 16:21

You need to have a very honest conversation about how important your birthday is to you, and also let him express his dislike for them. Then you both need to try to understand each other's point of view and reach a compromise.

If one or the other of you are unwilling to do this, then ask yourselves if the relationship is right.

Original poster

Helpadviseme · 12/10/2022 16:38

Heavenknows22 · 12/10/2022 15:21

Did he actually take you out for the meal?

Yes he did but it's only because I told him I wanted my birthday to
Be special with him

OP posts:

QueenOf1969 · 12/10/2022 17:08

I was married to someone for 13 years who went all out to spoil me on my birthday and other occasions, but the rest of the time was far more selfish and I did a lot more for him than the other way round.
Im now divorced and with a new guy who works away from home a lot, doesn’t ‘do’ birthdays etc. but still makes me feel special all year round with little messages, thoughtful ad hoc gifts and when we are together treats me so well and puts me first all the time. He’s always there for me and picks me up when I’m feeling down and supports me in every way he can.

I know which guy I’d choose to be with ……

Ofcourseshecan · 12/10/2022 17:09

CovertImage · 12/10/2022 15:04

I disagree with this. I wouldn't be talked into something being important to me just because it's important to someone else. And all of the crying in the OP's post would go nowhere to persuading me

That’s very inflexible, and uncaring about a partner’s feelings. You must be prepared to cause a lot of hurt to anyone who doesn’t have the self-confidence to walk away.

Beanie567 · 12/10/2022 17:17

He’s not very loving. He wanted to ruin your birthday and has said he will do the same for every birthday coming because of his own trauma over a birthday.

I wouldn’t be happy with a boyfriend who didn’t want good things for me and instead wanted to give me hurt and pain.

Dery · 12/10/2022 17:31

Hmmm - going with the minority view here - I think if he generally treats you well, that’s more important than making a fuss of you on one particular day. Yes, he dropped the ball on your birthday and, if you’re still together a year from now, you may need to communicate what you want more clearly.

But if otherwise things have been going very well then for me this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker.

I think MN is terrific but I do think there’s a slight tendency from some posters to expect perfection from men but no-one gets everything right all the time and no-one’s perfect.

Aprilx · 12/10/2022 19:20

Helpadviseme · 12/10/2022 16:38

Yes he did but it's only because I told him I wanted my birthday to
Be special with him

Show quote history

I like birthdays and I celebrate my birthday. I have no problem whatsoever in suggesting to my husband that I want to go out / go on holiday / go to a spa on the day. You wanted to go out for dinner and he took you out for dinner. Considering that he seems to otherwise treat you well, it would seem a shame to throw things away because he doesn’t go overboard on birthdays.

Flip