Newly retired

[Sadandemotional]

My DH has just retired and he seems to be constantly picking on me. I’m 57 and post meno with brain fog, I went to take something out of the fridge at least 5 times and got distracted by other stuff on the way. When I finally sat down again and remembered I went to the fridge in a fit of frustration and he says your behaviour is not normal. In the month he has been off work he hasn’t once done anything to help in the home aside from washing up now and then when I just sat after a meal and didnt. I feel so put upon and taken for granted. Any positive advice welcome

I’m afraid my menopause and his retirement were the catalyst for us now separating nearly 5 years later.

I think I became more selfish about what I wanted in life (loss of all those caring hormones I guess). He saw retirement as the status quo plus he now had his pension and lots of time to pursue all his solo hobbies and socialising.

I got more resentful about no help or sharing on the domestic front. He had retired from a successful job, and played the alpha male towards me. He wanted to be in charge but with no responsibilities.

If you don’t want this to get messy, then a heart to heart talk, or relationship counselling is probably required.

Your husband’s adjusting to being put out to pasture! He’s probably feeling a bit un-needed and unnecessary and it’s making him grumpy. For a lot of men, their careers are their lives! I know I can tut and huff when I’m feeling a bit frustrated and at a loose end/don’t know what to do with my life.

Has he got any hobbies? Give him a list of jobs to do round the house. DIY garden projects.

You’re both entering a new chapter in your lives. Maybe acknowledge that his grump/overreaction is because he’s not sure how to navigate this new chapter in his life and your sensitivity is because of meno-hormones which signify the new chapter in your life.

Neither are bad or wrong, but you both need to find a new way of approaching your future life together, keeping these things in mind.

If the relationship’s otherwise good, as the above poster says, communicate, talk to each other about it. This is a turning point in both of your lives and you can either grow together or grow apart. Either can be filled with bitterness and resentment or happiness and fun, for both of you.

Yes, been there. It took us quite a bit of counselling which helped immensely, plus a lot of love.

You need to sit down and renegotiate how life will be now that he's retired. It's a time of huge change for both of you and he's probably mourning a loss of status and identity.
That doesn't excuse him being a dickhead, which is why you need to talk.
For a start, why does he think that you should do 99% of the housework and what solution does he suggest so domestic work is fairly distributed?
You also need to decide how to split your time - when to be together, when to have time apart.
The time apart can still mean you're both at home, but decide which rooms will allow you to be getting on with separate pursuits.
Having a sense of purpose is important too - does he have hobbies, is he planning to find volunteering work? He needs to cultivate his own friendships and interests which don't include you.

Dh retired in April, he does everything around the house. No way am I working full time and doing loads at home as well!

Are you still working? You definitely need a chat about expectations.

I have struggled with dh retiring because his life has got much easier st a time when I got a promotion and a significantly increased workload but I did always know this would happen as he is older.