Husband doesn't appear to care

[Christmaslover2022]

Since I've had the children I gave up my job to be self employed, to fit around the children as husband is not available. So I don't really talk to anyone all day, unless I have a rare coffee with a friend. I've told him so many times about how low I feel and incredibly lonely but feel trapped at home working and looking after our children. The loneliness is unreal. Anyway we moved a year ago and swapped schools etc, I saw an advert to join the school pta and I thought, why not? What a great way to socialise and hopefully make some friends around here.
They call for helpers for an event, now knowing the next one I definitely can't help at I would like to help. It's just 1 hour at the disco. Asked him to have the kids at the disco (daughter too young to be wandering around by herself) and he has a go at me. Saying how do I know, it's a month away. Resulted in an argument and I just feel really sad. Like I get his work can be unpredictable but I'm quite fed up of my like revolving around his and he clearly doesn't understand that. We don't have any family support etc so I really am alone in this. Maybe I'm harsh, I don't know but I just want to feel understood and not a loner :-(

@Christmaslover2022

he is being unreasonable.
tell him he can’t work and has to look after the kids
you are allowed a life

YANBU - he is. Don’t let him continue being so selfish and inconsiderate of you.

He's a dick. They're his children too. He needs to be a parent.

It’s not reasonable for anyone to have kids but not expect to ever have to look after them (including if that is inconvenient for work).

Having to carve bits and bobs of time out of your work diary is part of being a parent and sounds like he is well overdue learning this.

If he had a specific important meeting at school disco time then fine, but doesn’t sound like he does.

YANBU.

If he can't tell you what he'll be doing at the time, that means he doesn't have a prior commitment. Now he does, so if work asks him to do something during that time, he says no (or gets a sitter for the children).

However, it seems like a much larger problem. Why is it YOU asking HIM to take a turn at childcare? Assuming they're also his children, it's equally his responsibility. You may normally take on more as your hours are more flexible, no commute, etc. but it sounds like you're doing more than your share if you're routinely actively taking care of young children WHILE you're WFH!! This is probably why the two of you had an "argument" rather than a conversation: if you discussed it calmly he'd have to admit he needs to step up and do his fair share.

I think things have got worse recently and I'm just fed up of it. I do everything for the children, he takes no interest. Doesn't even ask them about their day unless I prompt him to. He loves his job, he's available for work matters from 7 am til he goes to bed. I get up at 5.30 to start sorting things and the kids, he wakes at 7, lays in bed on his phone and work phone til half past then doesn't appear downstairs til just before 8. Another example, I give him my holiday dates to coincide with school dates and he doesn't book them unless I complain. Half term coming up, me and the kids off all week and he hasn't bothered to book anything.
The issues regarding arguing I feel Is because whenever I ask or raise anything he immediately answers back in a defensive tone and tbh sounds like a spoilt teenager. I'm really sad, and I don't know if I can continue to do this. The reason I gave up my job (outside of the home) is because my son kept getting terrible tonsillitis and so one of us had to stay home with him and you guessed it, that was me. His job 'was far to important'. I got in trouble at work and the pressure was enormous so I left. I should have seen these things coming tbh, but I always thought it would get better. I was wrong, and now I either put up with it or leave. Both sadden me. He's gone to work and knows I'm upset, not said a word 😭😭

Sounds like he's got his life pretty much sewn up, doesn't it? He does whatever he wants. You do everything else.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a domestic prison.

Please look up The Freedom Programme
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Your husband is a selfish bully and that's no way to live.

He is married - to his job because he is a workaholic. He has and will continue to try and scupper all attempts to get back into the outside world; the man won't even bend for you to help out for one hour at a school disco.

I would seriously consider planning your exit from this relationship because this is not going to improve at all; if anything it will get worse and this role model of a relationship will further impact on your children. The man's not even all that bothered about his own children now. As Sicario rightly states this is no way to live. Do look at the Freedom Programme and consider also contacting Womens Aid.

My friend was married to a man like this. It was awful. He never changed and we suspect he was also having an affair. She's divorcing him now.

He’s an incredibly selfish man with no respect or consideration for you.

How do you think he’d react if you sat him down, told him you were sick to death of being a skivvy with no life of your own, and if things don’t change, you will leave him?