Stay or get out??

[Hottimesahead]

Need some advice on my relationship. Not too sure if the problem is situational, he has lost interest or this is him or I have different expectations.

After many years of dating found a guy who I think is great. We have been dating exclusively for 6 months. At the start he was very keen. Texting nice things, making time to see each other 3 times a week, I was the one being cautious and slowing it down. His actions always matched his words. Recently he has been distant and we only see each other 1 day a week.

we live 40 mins drive away from each other and both work long hours in stressful jobs in the area we live - average 47 hrs. Both of us are incredibly busy at work, similar situations that we have had team members who have left and yet to be replaced so picking up the slack. We have managed by having set days to see each other which lacks spontaneity but means we can sort out workloads to make time for each other.

I am better at time management and work flexibly to maintain my social life - he can’t do the same. Last few weeks he has cancelled mid week due to not being well ( he did have a bug which I had), insomnia (due to stress at work) and late work deadlines. He has also been quiet on text in evenings. Says he is trying to sleep.

i brought this up to him last week asking is this what our relationship is as I would like to see him a bit more than 1 day a week or is it situational? He said things will get better in November. Said he would rather spend quality time at the weekend with me than a few hours during the week, especially when he can’t sleep. We would meet at 8pm, sleep by 10.30 on and one of us up at 6am to go to work - no point meeting for 2 hours, sex and sleep. Says that’s how a causal relationship works.

Said will get better once our teams are fully staffed and we work normal hours. He also admitted he has never dated anyone who lived that far away where we had to plan. Previously dated people who lived max 15 minutes drive away, they were in his hobby group so didn’t need to plan much as saw them regularly. We need to plan and he said would rather see me when he ate not working and can spend quality time

I also asked him he was losing interest and would rather be told than a slow fade. He replied not at all, it’s just life at the moment. He also said I have an active social life and he fits in with me (my social life is also important, he stopped his hobby and goes to pub once a week). He Said we had planned a day off during the week next week to see each other as the next week we are both away with work. He also said why would he plan an expensive holiday with me in December and book tickets to go away at Christmas to my family if he wasn’t serious and wanted to plan a future. It’s just life at the moment.

however I do feel unhappy as I miss him and want to see him more. It just feels like we are more fwb than relationship. He cancels late on the day during week as he is either busy or exhausted due to insomnia. However says he sleeps better when I am there. Previously he did make an effort. Just feel effort is lacking when I don’t see him. When I see him it’s all good and we do things, he plans things and we have fun.

what do I do? Wait it out till November? see if it’s better. I do love him and can see a future, but how can we progress forward only seeing each other weekly. Part of me thinks he is happy with our weekly arrangement and is lazy with travel. I do have a habit of bailing out early in relationships

Tough one. If I liked someone enough I’d make the effort to see them even if it was for 2.5 hours before bed. But I also think he sounds genuine - if he is stressed and has insomnia, he probably does find it better to see you properly rather than to further tire himself out. Sounds like he is close to burn out and you shouldn’t take it personally. I’d say to be sympathetic and supportive as his work remains busy, and then if it calms down a bit, see if he has more energy to make a bit more effort.

Yes, I think it’s worth persevering through this difficult time at work. It’s good that you’re aware of your tendency to bail out early. Best of luck.

That's tough but often go with your gut.
I lived an hour away from my DP when we first started dating and we would make time to see each in the evenings as often as we could. Sometimes he wouldn't be finished work until 8pm and I would travel to his, we'd spend the few hours together and then I'd be up for work in the morning (worked from his as I was working from home) he would go to work and then I'd either go home before he got back or stay there and spend another night.
I don't think seeing each other even for a couple of hours in the evenings is pointless as you still get to see each other.

You could always wait it out until November and see if anything does change.
But, is there a partner or wife maybe that he is splitting up from and that's why he will have more time in November 🤔

November is only next month?

@onceagain1 i am worried about him. We went on holiday for a week and he slept well. One day back at work and he got his insomnia back. Seems to sleep ok during the weekends except Sunday night.

@lilroo87 no partner. I go to his house loads and definitely no sign of this. Also his social media has pictures of us. I don’t think he has as no signs of this. Unless he hides it well.

@Ofcourseshecan yeah I know I leave at the first sign of unhappiness. My last 2 serious relationships slow faded me and one was back on dating sites before we broke up - discovered at the end. He also made up excuses, so I am a bit anxious. Current partner knows this and told me to stop as he wouid t do that. He is very direct so I think he wouid end it first.

@zonky i know. But it’s not changed fir 4 weeks and can’t see situation changing

4 weeks and you want to throw the towel in? Poor guy.

Look at the pattern; on holiday = no insomnia. Weekend? No insomnia. Back to work = insomnia.

There is something about his work really stressing him out. Either give a shit enough to find out what it is or do him a favour and walk away without adding to his stress levels.

(I have insomnia too and it is crippling in terms of energy and stress).

You sound a little too emotionally invested in someone you've only been seeing for 6 months. Is this supposed to be the "one"? Or you are projecting more into it than there actually is?

Your current partner telling you what he would and wouldn't do (if he were to break up with you is pointless), is a rather odd conversation to have. He can change his mind? Act however he wishes if he decides to end it (by either ending it, slow fading or going back in the dating apps), you have no way of guaranteeing what he would do, so why try and preempt it? You need to equip yourself to cope with the it ending, however that is.

It sounds situational - you both have busy working lives which has worsened due to being short staffed, his work is clearly stressing him out. Would him staying at yours mid-week not mean a longer morning commute for him in an already stressful work day?

I’d give you both some time for work stuff to settle down and then see where you stand. It’s good that he knows how to look after himself when he’s stressed and he’s telling you he’d rather see you when he has the headspace to be present with you. I’d give him that while things are so stressful.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy it’s 4 weeks of last minute plans being cancelled. I told him I would rather just make plans for weekends if he is busy to take pressure off. He makes plans then cancels which is annoying and disappointing

@Jellycatspyjamas staying at each others is longer commute for both. I used to stay one day during week as I can finish earlier and start work later next day due to flexible working. He can’t which is why I go to his.

@xfan we are dating and hopefully in love and can see a future - so he tells me - so investment is there. It was my last partners that did this. He just says things will get better

Yes you did say your previous partners did this, but there is no way of guaranteeing the current partner won't behave in a similar manner, despite what he says now. People can and do change. You can't control other's behaviour only your response to the situation. Things may or may not progress towards "love" and even if in love it doesn't mean there is a future. You need to focus on now and whether you want to remain in a relationship that isn't exactly meeting your standards.

I get where he's coming from. I don't see much of a point spending 2 hours together, esp if he's tired. There's really no quality time in that. I'd rather have the weekends only til his schedule changes.

I'd just back off and just see him on the weekends for the next month, or whenever his schedule lightens up. After that you can reassess and see if things change and you start spending more time together.

Not too sure if the problem is situational, he has lost interest or this is him or I have different expectations

Why aren't you sure? You've asked him and he's told you what's going on for him. You know what's going on for you. Did you not believe him when he said he's not losing interest and the timings of things would change in November? Have you asked him what his expectations are?

@Sunnytwobridges i can see his point. Think it’s the going from seeing each other loads to once a week. I have backed off

@Watchkeys i know he had told me. Think it’s the last minute excuses that makes me think this way.

He called me to cancel today. Apologised and said it’s been crap few weeks. He has now made plans for the next few weeks making sure we have secured days. This does make me feel more secure. Hopefully it works out