Depressive DP is too much

[pgandsad]

My depressive DP is down again over money worries. I can tell he wanted me to come over (we live seperately) because he said he didnt have any money for petrol but I'm 7 mths pg and tbh I thought he was being so passive aggressive I couldnt be bothered with it. He brings up the latest letter he's had from the bank/creditor and then gets upset if I ask too many questions because he cant deal with it for long.
I have sorted out EVERYTHING without complaint - his benefits after his breakdown, appeals for backdating, the companies he owes money to, even a bloody DLA form.
These I dont mind doing, and whenever he has money he always shares it. He has plenty of good points but it just takes one letter demanding money (usually they have made a mistake in their calculations IME)or similar that sends him into a ranting, depressed spiral.
Now he has sent a text saying I would be better off without him and that he doesnt want to be here anymore.

It feels like abuse tbh. Something to push my buttons. I feel that I have to take care of him when I am the one needing the TLC. I get upset but a part of me also switches off through sheer self-protection. He is on Prozac, I am helping him with the money issues. I really dont know what else I can do.

Ask yourself what you get out of the relationship. Seems to me, not much. Carrying someone emotionally is no fun, I have done it. To me you have to be on an even keel with each other, otherwise, you find yoursself being the permanent counseller. He will drain you until you have nothing left.

Is this the man you want to be with longterm?

Listen to mags there hun i got out of a depressing relationship and he is putting me through hell in the courts for residency of our little girl. i didnt even realise how low and how much i had let myself go till i finally split.He was awful to my little girl even hitting her so young and hehas got away with all of it cos he is the dad so please listen Dont put him on the birth certificate i would hate you to end up in my shoes. Best wishes

You can't help feeling depressed and I take it it is his baby you are having so I would expect a bit more compassion for the father of your child.

O.k NAB, so I guess you have never been out with someone who needs permanent emotional support?

No, but my husband is married to someone with depression.

pgandsad, have you tryed to tell him how you feel, have you told him you need some support sometimes aswell?

I get depressed, and it is very difficult when you are down. personally, I know I am down, but really can't sort myself out anyway.

if you live separately he does need to work things out himself. but having said that, as NAB says, he is the father of your child so perhaps you should also support him?

I think if you do everything for him, he will let you - but perhaps he needs to up the prozac dose. maybe you need to 'wean' him off your help?

godd luck, I think this is a difficult one.

you have my sympathies. Ex was depressive and it eventually totally wore me down. You can only be the supporter for so long before you are frozen.

You are pg and it is your turn to be supported -

I have every sympathy for people who suffer from depression but it really does drag everyone around then down as well.

Safeguard yourself.

NAB, afraid your reaction is typical of my DP - one symptom of his depression is the complete inability to empathise with what anyone else is feeling or to even care. It's all about HIM and HIS needs. I realise my tone may seem like its lacking in compassion but I have shed buckets of tears for him. I know his history and how he came to be depressed and know it is not his fault. He knows he is being a burden but equally he has no-one else to lean on. I have the patience of a saint and given him financial and emotional support in abundance.

I feel for him. He doesnt deserve this. He is a talented, accomplished decent person but depression renders him totally selfish/irritable so magsi, trying to tell him that I need support sometimes just makes him feel even more stressed and useless.

I dont expect any solutions, just posted on here looking for some support. There is enough in the relationship that is good but being pg I worry what this stress is doing to the baby. I'm sure you will understand that protective instinct.

I was not having a go.

I suffer with depression and I can only post what I feel.

I still put my children and husband's needs first though.

I just felt he needed help.

Will leave this now if you prefer.

Connie I hope I never get to the point where I am frozen. Magsi this is the person I want to be with longterm. I am throwing my energies into trying to help him resolve these money worries so that by the time DD is born he will be better able to support me. Understand this may be naive but just have to hope for the best.

Pg, Do you think that when the baby arrives, it might give him something really positive to concentrate on, and might make him forget about his own emotional need somewhat?

I really think you need to talk to him about upping his ad's or getting professiosnal counselling, as the prozac clearly arent working.

NAB, I didnt think you were having a go. I was diagnosed with depression too, 2yrs ago. So this is part of my reaction to his episodes: We can put THEIR needs first with depression why cant the reverse be true?

bunny, he hasnt been on the prozac that long - was on Efexor before but it made him too sluggish during the day. The doc has advised him to double the dose if no effect. With doc's advice he came off one and went stright onto the other.

I am not sure this is beneficial. When I was on AD's and switched from Mirtazipine to Prozac, I had to gradually reduce the dose over a fortnight.

I am sat here, wondering an incredibly nosey question, why are you not living together, is it your choice not to?

magsi, yes it is my choice. We did live together but his behaviour was too much. He alternated between paranoid and verbally abusive and sometimes both. A year ago I moved into a refuge then got this place. We got back together a month later after he promised to get help/meds, and did.

There have been no more incidents of verbal or physical abuse but the suicide threats do feel like abuse as I said. I feel manipulated but the pg is bringing out a lot of self-protective impulses.

I hope I am not speaking out of term here, but it seems to me that he has found a new way of 'getting to you' with all the threats of suicide. What is it going to be like when your little one is born. You must be so worried.

I am, but they are not threats as in "Do this or I'll kill myself" It really does seem like a cry for help, but I cant seem to do enough. He has had too much to cope with over the past three years, culminating in the death of his Mum from cancer last year. The money worries are just constant and its a long story. If he was able to talk to people it would be much easier but he cant face it.

Legally I want to know, if he just ignored all these creditors and let it get to the court stage (which I would never recommend normally) would medical backup be enough to see them off? I have the energy to deal with them, even pg, but I need his input/authority and he just cant deal with even brief conversations right now.

Pg, I don't know about the creditors thing, maybe it would be worth a try. On the other hand, ignoring letters like this may lead to bailiffs etc., and you don't want that. You sound like you really do want to be with him. Maybe another trip to the doctors is needed for him.

One thing is for certain, you are not going to get any emotional support from him for some time to come I think.

I know, I am quite self-sufficient tho and am planning all sorts of post-natal classes and activities.
Being with him has always been up and down but he is not a leech and tho I do feel drained sometimes I did go into this with my eyes open when I decided to become pg.
I will seek advice re. the money worries. if I get rid of them it would be a huge help. I prefer to talk to people and am very good at advocacy but because of data protection it is a huge slog when he cant talk to anyone (sorry, repeating myself).
Thanks, this has helped. He has also sent a text apologising for giving me grief.

pg, I hope you can keep up this inner strength you have. He is one lucky man. Don't want to sound to cliche here, but MN is always here to offer support when your other half cannot.

Really good luck to you both and your new arrival

Thanks magsi that's good to know. TBH having my own space is a bit help - lets me recharge.