If you have managed to sort out piss poor communication

[PrioritiseCalm]

With your other half... how did you manage it?

DH & I get so angry with one another. It's exhausting. And it is affecting the kids.

We also have a very close relationship, love each other & have been together over 20yrs.

How do we sort out the anger issues?

We just tried to discuss a solution & it just ends up with one of us becoming defensive.

I feel stuck. Any advice?

You have a very close relationship but you get so angry with one another….what is it that angers you? Is it housework, bringing up the kids, money, what is it? The source of the irritation needs to be specified.

We defend ourselves when we feel attacked. We feel attacked when we're being blamed.

Stop blaming each other. What do you blame your partner for? What does your partner blame you for?

You are each responsible for the success of the relationship, so you both need to take responsibility, rather than pushing it onto the other person, which is, essentially, what 'blame' is.

For my part it's a lot to do with peri menopause. I'm on HRT. But it needs adjusting. I have made an appointment to discuss with my gp.

It can be irritation from me at all of the very predictable things I guess, messy house, feeling like I've taken on too much of the mental load sometimes, exhausted from a lack of sleep due to anxiety (hormones / elderly parents/ work / kids) . I can become hyper critical of him. I know this is not good.

There are many things I love about him. He's a good Dad. He does try to take on as many of the tasks as me. We talk about anything & everything. I guess I just sometimes feel like it's easier to do something myself. We have pretty much grown up together. We have a lot in common. He makes me laugh. He's intelligent. Good in bed etc.

It's not one thing, and I imagine most couples have their bug bears about the share of tasks/ load.

Essentially it's his anger & mine that erupts, when our loads become too much that's making things hard.

Do we need to go to relate counselling? We both want things to be better. I'm just not sure we can talk our way through to a satisfactory conclusion.

Yes. This is so true. Thank you. I think we have got into some bad habits around blame.

Surely it's not that uncommon to feel angry with someone close to you sometimes?

Buy the book seven principles for making marriage work. Then work thorough it together. You can buy it easily online.
If you decide to do counselling your can find a Gottman therapist, it’s positive, upbeat and focuses on the good in your relationship and how to turn towards one another.

Great book. Look for the four horsemen!

Thank you 🙏

Is it religious @Mirrorcell ?

A couple of previous posters have suggested identifying the trigger points and I think that is a good place to start.

I think you also need to understand how your anger works - I am not particularly bad tempered but if I get angry about something I flare up for a couple of minutes then forgotten about it 30 minutes later. One former partner bottled things up for longer but then the explosion was worse and longer lasting. I learned to look for the warning signs. All of it was manageable though and as you have said above everyone gets angry at times - it's how you manage it that makes the difference

The good sign is that you seem pretty tight in the rest of your relationship so I wish you good luck with this

Thank you @ManAboutTown
Yes it's definitely something we both need to do some work on.

No I don’t think so. It certainly didn’t jump out at me.

The four horsemen reference gets used a lot in our house instead of getting cross at each other. ‘Oh is that a horse man I see!?’. I’m tempted to put a picture of them in the wall!

The questions are fun. There’s a follow up date book too.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work

Counselling with Relate

I'm just not sure we can talk our way through to a satisfactory conclusion

What happens if you talk about stuff when you're calm? What is it that gets said that triggers the blow outs?

It's hard for him (in my opinion) not to become defensive and angry.

He'd say I blame everything on him.

I don't think I do.

A helpful tip I once read from a relationship counsellor is to see (and therefore discuss) “the relationship/marriage” as an entity in its own right. So, talking about things that help or hurt it, rather than focussing on the two individuals within it, if that makes sense. I don’t think that tip works miracles on its own but I think it’s a helpful little shift sometimes.

It's hard for him (in my opinion) not to become defensive and angry
He'd say I blame everything on him
I don't think I do

Um... so it's his fault?

I was responding to a question about what happens when we try to talk things through. That's what happens. I'm not blaming him, I don't think he actively wants to become angry. He just does.

An interesting way to look at it. Thanks. I'll try that.

So he gets angry then you have to defend yourself?

The conversation just descends into us both being annoyed or defensive I suppose and we usually stop there before things escalate into a full blown row. If we wit long enough l, one of us will usually apologise, say I love you / can we stop rowing etc... and depending on when the other one is ready to move on, we let it go.

I guess things just never get resolved. So there's always some resentment left over.

Other times it might escalate into a proper row and we will be horrible to one another. I feel like we hate each other then. And then become very upset.

We always come back together eventually. We are both pretty fiery characters I guess. It's exhausting. And when things are stressful outside the relationship, we tend to row because we're stressed or overwhelmed.

It makes me sad. I want things to change.

He saw a counsellor last year every week. And it helped. Things were much calmer. But his counsellor felt they had reached the end and DH didn't need him anymore.

Anger is an emotion. Other people, circumstances and life trigger us and we react with emotion. For example we are hurt, get defensive, are angry and hurt that person. It’s a cycle .

You need to establish values in the relationship and base your reactions around those values, instead of your emotions (which change a lot). So react with compsssion (a value) by saying something like I understand what I’ve said has upset you. Can you help me understand how I can make this right. That’s a value based action.

try to guide yourself back to the values when you feel emotions taking over.

🙏