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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

20 replies

Treelove · 11/10/2022 17:28

Hello I'm new here. There is a woman I have befriended over the course of a few years. I don't know her that well but she is nice and a mutual friend of other friends of mine. She is single and gorgeous and she has this energy about her that men (and women) love. She is close to my age but doesn't look it at all. She is one of those rare types that never seem to age. Most often we get together with our female friends for events and I'm good with that. In conversation with me, she often asks about my husband and she seems to admire us as a couple and our photos on social media quite a lot. She has recently invited me and my husband to an event at her house. I'm trepidatious about bringing my husband because my gut tells me she is interested in him. Now, I typically don't worry about this kind of stuff with him. We go out with friends often and I never feel jealous. He knows most of my friends and he is very trustworthy. It's not him I'm worried about. He is loyal and loving to me and really an awesome guy. We have a solid friendship and marriage. As I write this, I think it probably sounds silly of me to even worry about going to this event. However, I know myself. I have had relationship trauma in my past with boyfriends and ex husband who cheated on me multiple times. I am working to resolve these issues in therapy but the issues are still there and I know it. I feel like this event will trigger me if we go there and she flirts with him or if I get any sense at all that there is some spark between them. When I am triggered, I have a hard time with keeping myself from panicking. I have some sort of panic attack thing that happens and that frightens me. Is it wrong for me to want to protect my marriage and not bring him to this? Or not go at all? Is it wrong for me to want female friendships that don't involve my spouse so I can feel comfortable?

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 11/10/2022 17:30

Your instinct is there for a reason.

Right or wrong, there is no need for you to go to this event and you don't feel right about it.

Listen to your instincts.

JoanCandy · 11/10/2022 18:18

Wow. Is your husband so irresistible ?
Would you be feeling like this if your friend wasn’t single ? Your husband sounds nice but I’m sure she’ll be able to control herself around him.
If it’s going to upset you then don’t go.

gwenneh · 11/10/2022 18:20

It's not him I'm worried about.

It is, unless you think she's planning to assault him forcefully.

TheWolves · 11/10/2022 18:20

I'm sure she'll be able to resist your DH, OP.

Pugsbladder · 11/10/2022 18:21

I say don't go. Put yourself first in this instance.

Treelove · 11/10/2022 18:29

Thank you. I never listened to my gut when I was a younger woman. I should listen to it now.

OP posts:
Endlesslaundry123 · 11/10/2022 18:31

Don't go. It's so perfectly fine not to.

Aprilx · 11/10/2022 18:36

She sounds friendly to me. You sound awful to be so distrusting of your friends and husband,

doitwithlove · 11/10/2022 18:38

Always, go with your gut feeling. Go alone to her event if she still goes on about it

Treelove · 11/10/2022 18:50

@Aprilx, gee thanks a bunch. My feelings make me awful? If you knew about relationship trauma you would understand. Are you always this mean on mumsnet?

OP posts:
TheWolves · 11/10/2022 19:07

Treelove · 11/10/2022 18:50

@Aprilx, gee thanks a bunch. My feelings make me awful? If you knew about relationship trauma you would understand. Are you always this mean on mumsnet?

So the issue is that you're insecure, rather than that your friend and your husband are both untrustworthy scoundrels?

baileys6904 · 11/10/2022 19:23

Op, I say this with kindness, but are you planning on locking up your dh for the foreseeable future? Even if you don't trust her, you surely trust him? She's invited you both round. Just because she's single, doesn't mean she's gagging for your fella.

Your ex and your past are that, past. Don't let them ruin your present and future

Opaljewel · 11/10/2022 19:31

Go without him.

IDontWantToGoToSchoolToday · 12/10/2022 07:10

I know some women find it really difficult to believe but there are women who will go after men, even/especially married or attached ones as a bit of an ego boost. They have no genuine interest in them and wouldn't date any of them but it still causes damage in the process.

My most recent experience of a woman like that told me she enjoyed the 'influence' she has and finds it 'empowering' that all these men want her. The sad thing for her is that, knowing a couple of the men she has targeted quite well, she doesn't have any 'influence' and their interest in her is all in her head. She might find it 'empowering' but she has also bemoaned to me the fact she is often dropped without reason or warning by her female friends.

But can't see the connection...

No one of us know about the woman in OP's life - whether she is just friendly and the OP is reading something else into it or whether she has a gut instinct for a reason.

OP, in this situation, I'd listen to your gut.

The woman I know was a very good friend of mine and our friendship predated my relationship by several years but it didn't stop her from targeting my boyfriend too.

bjrce · 12/10/2022 09:21

OP

Don't listen to anyone dismissing your feelings!

Do, what ever feels right for you! If something makes you feel uncomfortable don't do it.
No one here knows what conversations you've had with your friend. Some times you just don't want to go there, if keeping the friendship separate from you DH is what feels right for you - go with that.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Chamomileteaplease · 12/10/2022 09:28

I agree, trust your gut. These other PPs are either naive or nasty and they are not witness to this woman's behaviour as you are.

Either go by yourself or don't go at all. Be mindful. Some of us know what you are talking about.

pinkyredrose · 12/10/2022 09:31

I'm trepidatious about bringing my husband because my gut tells me she is interested in him.

Your gut can lie to you based on your past experiences. If you trust your husband then there's nothing to worry about.

TeaAndBuscuit · 12/10/2022 12:42

Something's telling you to not trust her, so trust your gut! It's irrelevant that you trust your husband, because we all know their are women out there that will go out of their way to try to entice men who are taken. It makes them feel empowered to flirt with another womans man, whether the man is interested or not.
Trust your gut and don't go. Perhaps think about fazing her out of your life. Nobody needs that type of friend, one you can't trust.
My closest friend made a pass at my ex-husband, when we were married. It didn't work and I don't have anything to do with here anymore.

Delilahonabike · 12/10/2022 12:51

Nothing whatsoever wrong with keeping some friendships separate from your marriage OP, for this reason or just because that's what you prefer. Don't overthink this, you don't fancy mixing this particular friend and your DH, so don't.

Angelofthenortheast · 12/10/2022 13:25

Yep I'm with other pp, who cares if you sound like a crazy paranoid woman - trust your instincts, it's your life!

I've had a friend like this who seemed to want all her friend's partners to fancy her, even if she didn't fancy them. They do exist!

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