Can it be just as damaging to have an absent father as an abusive one?

[Cookiemonster83]

The court seem so focused on having abusers in children’s lives do they know something different?

Are there occasions where it’s better for a child to see for themselves what their father is like rather then hold a false idea?

My daughter has started seeing her dad after 3 years apart ordered by a judge because of his emotional abuse. She has started to refer to him as her hero. (She is 6) He really is far from that but it seems she has this built in love for him. I wonder if perhaps it’s better for her to find out that he isn’t then for her to be kept away and have me to tell her he is not and she not believe me.

To clarify, he collects them from here at 7pm Friday.

@WhatsAVideo yes I'd agree. While he barely speaks to her during contact and has never spent any time with her alone [he started a new family within months of leaving] he insists on her attending contact or on the rare occasions he agrees on her skipping he insists she makes up the time she misses. DD hates it. She's missed countless things over the years - family events, parties etc. It's control and entitlement at it's finest - I have 1000's of abusive emails from him to prove it... Ironically, he also cancels contact [often last minute] whenever it suits him.. the hypocrisy of it all.. It was easier when she was little and I could shield her from some of this.... being a teen now she sees it for what it is and just feels she has a shit Dad. So I suppose it's less one foot in, one foot out more - I make the rules, I'll do what I want and you'll do what I say..... and don't ask me for anything because you won't get it or expect me to care about you because I don't. She used to cry bitterly when he didn't come to sports day or a play, now it's just seething contempt... it's all so unhealthy and has had such a terrible effect on her. She got diagnosed with anxiety and developmental trauma a few years back and put in therapy but that had to stop as it was too distressing for her. I fear for how she'll come to terms with all this in the long term and the impact on her of this type of ''parenting'' again courtesy of the family court who insist she needs a ''relationship'' with her father... my question is - at WHAT COST TO HER?

Sadly DD is counting the days until her 16 birthday when he can no longer make her go.

No

I don’t think this can be answered. Both are deeply traumatising to children. It is the equivalent are asking which would you prefer to be hit with a metal tube or a metal cuboid both can do the same level of untold damage. My FIL was nearly as abusive to my SIL as MIL but she is precisely the family member his absence would have equally destroyed. Abuse is about power and control people with that nature rarely limit their abuse to one person in the family it comes out towards others too.

There was a very harrowing documentary on Channel 4 about the family courts. Charlotte Proudman, who is an amazing barrister, was featured and she is fighting for reform of the family courts. Worth a watch.

www.goldsmithchambers.com/dr-charlotte-proudman-interviewed-on-channel-4-dispatches/

I know exactly what you mean.

My mother was the same. To hear her tell it, I didn't need him and it didn't affect me. That's something she convinced herself of. It wasn't reality.

What am I very very wrong about?

I have not said anywhere in my post that children are fine when a parent is absent, nor is that a belief that I hold.

If you would read my post I'm sure you'll see that I have said it is better not to have an abuser in a child's life. I stand by that.

It's not really your place to be deciding which is 'better' though, is it?

It's like telling people it's preferable to lose your arms or your legs, when actually either will cause you an enormous amount of inconvenience.

You're not half jumping the gun a bit here and being quite absurd. I haven't attempted to make a decision for anyone.

This thread, like many is asking for people's pov right? My pov is that if a parent is abusive towards a child sexually, physically, emotionally it is better not to have them in a childs life. The absence of the abusive parent is the lesser of the 2 evils. Children need to be protected as they can't protect themselves, they are vulnerable. You may think that it is better to give an abuser access to a child but I certainly don't.

You're being incredibly rude.

What are you offended by? The lack of support for child abusers?

Really? This is how you try to win an argument?

Winning and losing are both irrelevant.

Then I suggest you drop the unpleasant tactics you're using in order to make your point.

This - we are so obsessed with the idea of two parents that we forget one parent who is active and committed and great is much better then two married parents who aren’t involved or committed to their children etc

I know a girl who is 14 and her parents are healthy wealthy educated and have top careers - she goes to a top indie school and is now anorexic and cutting as she is desperate for her parents attention they pay for top counselling but can’t see the fact she is in after school club until gone 6 pm and yes her clothes are ironed etc and washed by the housekeeper but no one really cares about her.

whereas I see plenty of single parents also working but taking them to hobbies and the cinema and reading etc who are genuinely happy after escaping abusive parents

there is no comparison

we as humans are obsessed with ‘the family unit’ other animals don’t see their parents or like a pride of lions will chase away the youngsters etc I know we aren’t wild animals - but a lot of Christianity was basically put up and shut up with abuse - man does what he wants, religion controls the woman who does all the children yet still isn’t head of the family etc
I know so many couples from Church where they must stay together and she must forgive him - the children learn the same message on repeat etc

You're projecting something onto me that shouldn't be there. There are no tactics in saying you don't support child abuse of any sort. You're not contributing anything other than spoiling for a fight so it's best you're ignored.

I would be delighted to be ignored by you.

@Kennykenkencat
@TheWolves

you actually have both experienced abuse at the hands of parent in that your mothers denied you a relationship with a father you never got to make your own decisions a or have your own experiences about. You are actually living proof of the damage an abusive parent does you articulate their abuse very wel but don’t go to the extent of calling it that which is what it is.

your fathers were not absent through choice necessarily though I don’t know. In generations passed I suspect it was easier to cut a father out of a child’s life as family courts and society etc were very different. There weren’t exactly droves of single fathers either. I suppose equally you will never know otherwise and that in itself alludes to the context of trauma that an absent parent can cause.

@TheWolves
soert I think to some extent I perhaps shouldn’t have tagged you then since having re read one of your posts you state you understand why you weren’t allowed to see him. So apologies if I have misunderstood that

I understand it, intellectually. I don't think it necessarily helps.

He died when I was a teenager and that death hit me very hard. Worse than the death of people I've known very well.