How much do your partners actually do for baby?

[ERMS21]

Hello! We have a 10 month baby, and I’m just wondering what is the norm / considered good balance for working dad / stay at home mum? What chores do they do? How often do they go out socially? How often do they take baby out on their own?

In the week. Pretty much nothing. He leaves for work before baby is awake and usually misses bath/bed time.

Weekend. Pretty split across all the children. we have older children who attend clubs, he tends to take the reins with them.

Chores are mainly mine. I prefer to get them done in the week so weekends are free from washing and cleaning.

He has al the kids about one night a month when I go out with friends.

Every family is different. As long as the individuals involved are happy. Then there is no point comparing to other family's. My way would infuriate a lot of women as I do the lions share. But it works for us.

With DH, at that age I was on mat leave so did all daytime stuff while he was at work. When he got back it was a split - we’d both pitch in with nappy changes, bathe her together, I would make dinner and he would wash up, take it in turns to settle her etc. Socially we both went out probably 1 evening a week (separately), sometimes less.

He was always happy to do it, he loves being a dad and doing things for Dd.

Why would you need to ask this? Why wouldn't 'normal' be 50/50 split of everything once you're both at home; so weekends and evenings. With the sahp getting as much hw done as they can when they're home with baby during the wohp working hours. Equal downtime. Why wouldn't it be?

He will do some household chores without being prompted - mainly washing or dishes. I don’t think he’s ever done anything for the baby without being prompted and has never had her on his own.

So my partner works away so it's a little different however is home every Friday afternoon and leaves again the Monday morning. So obviously I do all the parenting when there is just me and 1 year old DS. Over the weekend he does the majority of parenting and it gives me a break. E.g baths him, gives him his meals, changes his nappies, plays with him, puts him to bed, gets up with him up on a morning. If he is off work on AL or whatever then he also does a large bulk of if, he loves it and has never had to be asked. I wouldn't tolerate a lazy partner who didn't do much and just expected me to do most things, they'd be gone. DS and I have been poorly last week so DP took the week off to look after DP so that I could rest. You need to work as team. I have just recently gone back to work part time but this has always been our set up. He also does chores on a Sunday while DS is napping (I do mine on a Saturday morning) and yes he sometimes takes DS out to meet his mum but not every week as we like to do things as a family.

I'm a SAHP and DH works full time.

We do 3 things that help organise us.

1. we think in working hours. When he is at work, so am I. That means evenings and weekends are for both of us to mix parenting with relaxing.

2. when we first lived together we wrote out a list of all the chores that need doing to run the house. We list things in chunks that roughly take the same amount of time and effort. We split it 50/50 but now it's more 80/20 to me. He still has his chores that he needs to do each week.

3. on Thursdays we ask each other if we need any time over the weekend. Often we will get either a morning or afternoon 'off' each week. I also do a yoga class one evening a week and he does the gym on another evening.

When they are older we use childcare too.

Essentially during the day I did baby and what housework I could manage. I cooked tea. Once he was home we worked tidying up and poking after DS between us. He'd wash up, I'd do bed, etc. One night out a week but usually left after bedtime or near it. Occasional (few a year) night out straight from work.
Weekends it was totally split. Whoever smells the nappy changes it. He'd make lunch, I'd make dinner, we'd go out together etc
He only really took them out alone if was elsewhere, otherwise we'd go together.

I'm still A SAHP with 3 now. He gets littlest two up and feeds them. I get eldest up and get them all dressed. He makes me coffee. I do school run, he goes to work. I look after the twins all day. IF I get chance to do house stuff I do it. I do dinner, he washes up, he puts littlies to bed, I put big one to bed and tidy up, he comes down and helps. We sit down together

At 10 months I had gone back to work and DS was a SAHD. I think we took turns for night wakings. I was working long hours so DH did bed time more often than me, but I made a point of leaving "early" to do bed time at least twice a week. On weekends we took turns to do naps/bed time etc etc.

I tended to do the cooking and shopping as DH doesn't cook and is terrible at forward planning! We had a cleaner so neither of us did the heavy stuff but DH did the bulk of day to day tidying up, washing etc.

Before I went to back to work, when DS was still working, I tended to do the night wakings but he would get up early if necessary if DS woke up - ie from about 5:30am so that I got a bit of sleep before he left between 7:30-800. He was generally home in time for bed time so would often do bath and bed while I was cooking dinner.

When dh worked full time and I was at home we did a 50/50 split

When we both worked part time it was 50/50 split

When dh was part time and I was at home it was again 50/50 split

when I had a breakdown dh did 80%

now that we are both SAHP it’s a 50/50 split again

When DC were tiny we lived off ready meals in the week and DH cooked at weekends. I did laundry and most other housework.

When DC were easier (age 3 ish) and DH’s job got long hrs, he gradually stopped much. Now he cooks 1-2 times a month, washes up very rarely (and grudgingly) and does his own laundry. Nothing else really.

It sucks tbh.

Really like that ending, thank you!

At 9 months I went back to work 3 days a week and DH took 3 months SPL so he had DC on those days and the days we were both off work we shared childcare or hung out together as suited us.

When I was BF all night he'd get up and make breakfast. He'd usually look after DC when I was making dinner which I preferred.

Housework wise we both do washing and we're both lazy at cleaning so we have a cleaner for an hour a week that just about stops us from descending into filth.

Now DC are older we take it in turns to do breakfast and dishes after dinner.

It's a common trap for the woman to start doing everything domestic on mat leave then just keep that up for the rest of her life because she's worked out how to do it/has a routine.

Childcare is tiring, often more tiring than paid work, there's no reason why being in paid work all day entitles you to leisure in the evenings more than being a SAHM.

When he's on shift, not a huge amount maybe some nappies so 5-10%, days off probably about 30-40% and more if I give him an task eg bath time. This week I was ill, he did 100%- he bought DS in to see me whenever I asked but otherwise did absolutely everything.

I do not consider a bit of playtime here and there with kids to be parenting and even though I am on Mat leave it’s important DH does actual parenting with the baby so he pretty much takes over with baby when he gets home from work. It means him and baby are bonding and I can actually get a few bits done in peace.
Once baby is gone to bed he helps if there are any outstanding chores that need to be done. He is glad to relax after that though and it’s well deserved.
I cook because honestly my food is better. He cooked during my first trimester and it’s very basic compared to the usual. I hate washing the floors (nearly all tiles downstairs) and he usually does it. He does most outside jobs. When we decide to do a deep clean of house we both get stuck in.
On the weekends he usually does morning routine with the baby while I work out. Baby is 11 months old and is honestly like daddy’s little side kick at weekends.
DH doesn’t go out as much as he used to as he prefers not to spend weekend tired after drinking also tells me he prefers being home with us. He is working long hours recently and was getting a bit burnt out so I kept mentioning to him about meeting up with his friends recently to blow off steam and he was glad he did.
I am pregnant again so prefer an early night over going out right now.

I have never really been a SAHP, but on mat leave or on days off when PT, I did as much as I could during the day. And then dh and I did roughly 50/50 during evenings and weekends. During his non-working hours, he did more of the childcare related things - bathtime, playing with them, taking them for walks or to playground, and I got on with sorting out things around the house that I wanted/needed to do - like washing, or admin, or cooking. I was burnt out on dc by end of the day, so I really wanted some non-child related tasks. I tended to do bedtime (as bf initially), but once we had 2, we each took one for bedtime, and we still do that (ours are primary school age now).

In terms of free time, dh has probably had more 'time with friends' than me, because I don't especially care about meeting up with friends quite as much (we do have friends come to stay or over for dinner, but I'm not really one for a big night out with friends). I tended to prioritise hobbies/exercise and travel. So dh might have 6 weekends away to visit friends a year, but I would be more inclined to go for a swim once a week and then go off for 5 days of solo travel. That would have felt impossible with a 10 month old still, but I mean on average over the years.