He lied again

[Brd]

About 8 years ago I found out that my partner had cheated on me. He lied to me about meeting people from work and instead went to meet this other woman. I found out and I left him soon after (once I’d had time to gather my thoughts) and took our children with me. We had kids young and there was definitely a level of immaturity on both sides.

Fast forward 4 years, we got back together. We decided to leave the past in the past and move on from everything. It was hard at the start as the trust took time. He wanted to go and meet 2 women from his work for a night out/ lunch (can’t quite remember) and I said I wasn’t comfortable with it so he didn’t go.

We’ve now been back together 4 years and he recently told me that he lied to me. He told me that he was meeting male friends from work when in fact it was the 2 women he wanted to meet previously. He said they’re really good friends - which is absolutely fine. He has recently been on stag weekends and nights out with people from his work which I was also fine with. I have worked so hard on trust and I’m pissed that he didn’t think we had come far enough to tell me the truth. He tells me I’m just being dramatic but this definitely mirrors 8 years ago for me. I’m really hurt.

He told me he lied prior to going out so he thinks the lie doesn’t really matter. I’m massively struggling with it. There is no recognition for why I would be upset from him.

He also tells me it’s my fault he lied this time because 4 years ago I had an issue with it. He didn’t want to appear ‘under the thumb’ to his friends.

This happened about 4 weeks ago and I honestly feel like I’m not coping well with it at all. I don’t want to spend time with him anymore, let alone be intimate. I feel like he’s not taking how upset I am seriously.

So I guess my question is, what would you do in that situation?

Even taking away the lying and meeting other women, you're not happy. Don't waste your time with someone you don't want to be with. Life is too precious x

He also tells me it’s my fault he lied this time because 4 years ago I had an issue with it. He didn’t want to appear ‘under the thumb’ to his friends.

www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Sure - you MADE him lie, with your pesky reaction to being CHEATED ON.
He hasn't grown up at all has he? He's not taking responsibility, he's acting as if you are his jailer instead of his loyal partner, & he's DARVO'ing like a pro.

Blaming you for his lie is as bad as the lie itself.
You know you can manage without him ... so what do you want to do?

What @KettrickenSmiled said in spades. I can't add any more to this but, he's not changed.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Sorry OP. You deserve better than this.

You are not responsible for the actions of another person.

Do not keep on wasting your life on this cheating man. That’s on you if you do.

You have not forgiven him so it can’t work. He is compelled to lie or you won’t let him have female friends, you told him straight and he so he said he wouldn’t go

it’s been eight years now, you can’t forgive him so there is no point, he can’t live his life being controlled and unable to have female friends. One of you needs to end it.

You forgave him and were willing to move on. He has shown you he is still happy to lie to you, and worse still, can't see why that would upset you. Even worse - he blames you for the lying. Seeing those friends meant more to him than your feelings.

Begoniasforever, what a ridiculous post.

The OP is allowed to have boundaries. Every healthy relationship should have them and partners should be considerate of each other.

The man in this situation has proven that he is a lying sack of crap and has no regard for how his partner feels. She did forgive him the first time. But given that he has form for cheating, he's not a decent person IMO to then put himself in a situation that would make his partner feel uncomfortable after that. He broke the trust, he needs to earn it back. Nothing at all to do with being controlling. Wow.

And clearly he hasn't changed. He's a liar. I was married to one of these as well. Once you forgive them they carry on as before except now when you say anything about their continued untrustworthy behavior, "you're controlling and can't get over" what they did before. It's all your fault for your reaction to what they did (and continue to do) rather than the fact they caused the problem in the first place.

Nah, I don't subscribe to that. Broken trust followed by a true desire to mend it and show remorse requires changed behavior. An apology without change is just manipulation.

But going forward, I'd not forgive a cheater, personally. Tried that once, it's just a tool they get to use to gaslight you for your legitimate reactions to their bad behavior while still being a stupid lying cheat. And all you end up with is self doubt and ptsd.

You deserve better than him. Dump!

On one hand - you don’t sound happy.

On the other hand - he didn’t cheat, he came clean about the lie - which shows he does feel remorse and, even if it’s imperfect, he does understand you need honesty in the relationship. And he made a mistake and tried to correct it.
He doesn’t quite get that for you it triggered the memories from 8 years ago.

I presume you still love him, and of course there are kids to consider. I think his behaviour isn’t great, but him fessing up is important but here. He didn’t have to and you’d not have found out.
Have you tried couples counselling - it may he helpful for him to try to listen and really understand where you are coming from. It may also help you dealing with the past as it does seem that you haven’t fully done that.

Hi,
I haven’t RTFT but your responses. I understand this is serious and lying goes to the heart of character. Did you seek mentoring because you have been worried about your performance?because of her management style or feedback?
good luck

Why did he decide to tell you about the lie after the fact? It seems very strange when he'd 'got away with it'.

I wonder if someone saw him or knows so he feels he has to get in there first and tell you?

@AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2022 12:04
You are not responsible for the actions of another person.
Do not keep on wasting your life on this cheating man. That’s on you if you do.

Yes - this exactly

You decided to leave the past in the past, except you didn't and neither did he.

You don't trust him with good reason, and it sounds like he has done/is doing nothing to rebuild the trust that he broke, if anything he's compounding the problem with more lies.

He tells me I’m just being dramatic well of course he does, because if it's your fault, how can it possibly be his?

I think you can chalk this one up to experience, he's not going to change, so if this is not good enough for you, and who could blame you, then knock it on the head.