Do I share with school that we're going our separate ways?

[stbew]

We've got parents evening tomorrow and I'm wondering if I should pluck up the courage to tell the teacher that me and the Dc dad are splitting up. Lots of things are putting me off doing so, namely; STBX being there (he'll probably leverage that opportunity to make me look bad and her feel sorry for him- he's tried that with everyone else and it's worked), DC showing signs of neurodiversity and I don't want her to write their 'quirks' down to our split (many behaviours will overlap of course- like them biting others) and DC being labelled as the 'poor child'. Reasons I want to share are for DC to get some sort of emotional support at school if available and to finally make it real to myself that this is happening. In the past when DH has walked out (and wanted to stay out), I've begged him back because I was thinking of the DC- wanted him in their lives- but I'm dragging a dead donkey. STBX has told me he doesn't love me anymore, feels like I've trapped him by having the DC (his idea- I wanted to wait a couple more years before trying), buying a house with him, that I'm controlling, bullying, abusive, etc. He's reported me to the police and social services by making false accusations towards me and leaving me to deal with their investigations. I can't do this anymore. My children have already witnessed so much. Sorry, waffling now. Should I tell the school or not?

FWIW: this is a private nursery and DC will be going into the attached school next year.

This is a private nursery you're talking about speaking to? I would defo tell them solely because very young children can't verbalise how they're feeling and might act out. I can't imagine any of the other things you're worried about happening at a private nursery. It's not the same as school. The staff will get to know your child very well

They've been absolutely brilliant so far (DC came from another nursery where they couldn't manage his behaviour) but they're a small nursery and I don't want to be looked upon with pitiful eyes. Or DC to be seen as the one from the 'broken' family. I know these are my issues but I've also worked in schools so know what things can be like.

I would, but maybe contact outside of parents might when he’s not with you? It’s important they know how to support your child and to do that it helps if they know what’s going on for her. Does your daughter know you’re separating? How long before you both actually split? I’d tell the school a bit in advance so they can have a support plan in place.

If he's already made false acquisitions against you then you absolutely need to tell them. I won't do it at patents' evening if he is there. I would ring them today and speak to the teacher/head/pastoral care so they know before he does his manipulative act in them.

STBX is thinking of moving out once he's got 'enough money' but won't give me any kind of indication when this might be. Should I wait to tell the school until I know when he'll be leaving or just share that we've decided to separate and to look out for any concerning behaviours.

I would but certainly not when your DH is there. A quiet word at pick up/drop off without your DC would be fine.

Wait until you have a date and do it without him. That is, as long as nothing palpable is going on within earshot of your DC.

There's never any time at drop off/pickup sadly. And it's usually a different member of staff who supervises at these times- not the teacher. I'm reluctant to contact them separately, away from STBX, in case they think I'm controlling and manipulating the scenario. I know that's what STBX will say I'm doing if he ever finds out.

I would write them email OP. You should definitely tell them as they may notice behavioural changes in your DC. I wouldn't do it at parents eve though - email them today letting them know.

You're way off mark with the 'poor child' and 'broken home' stuff. No one thinks that any more! 50% of marriages break down and the rate is higher for relationships without marriage. Yours may be the first that you know of, but I can assure you that the nursery will be used to dealing with separated parents and won't bat an eyelid, but they definitely need to know.

I'm reluctant to contact them separately, away from STBX, in case they think I'm controlling and manipulating the scenario.

Why would they think this? Honestly OP, you're doing a lot of projecting here. Just be factual and brief and let them know that you're separating.

Yes you simply need to email them simply and factually

Can you ask to speak with the nursery manager privately? It doesn't have to be the person on the door.

Or send an email in advance requesting 5 minutes either side of these times?

You're having a conversation about your separation. As long as you keep it to facts they will realise you're not throwing mud around.

Sadly there is. STBX has self diagnosed depression, awaiting ASD assessment and loves lashing at out at any perceived injustices (of which there are many). If I walk away from him or downplay the situation for the DCs sake, he'll follow me around the house until he's got a reaction and will them label me something negative based on how I've reacted. It's never ending. DC now tells us to 'shush' when we argue. We've already affected them.

The they/them stuff is confusing. Are there 2 children or just one and for some reason you're avoiding saying he/she?

You need to get him to move out or go yourself if that's better, sounds like an awful environment.

There is time at pick up from nursery. You just ask for a quiet word with the manager. Not sure why you'd even consider it when your husband is there to twist things around.

If you’re worried that your stbxh will accuse you of manipulating the situation if you tell them without him there then do it by email with him CC in. Give a totally neutral description of the situation. Something like, Dear (Nursery Contact), STBXH and are in the process of divorce/splitting up. I thought you should know/Please bear this mind in case DC’s behavior is affected in the coming weeks.

They might want to talk to you discretely at some point after the email to check that you and DC are ok.

Yes this

Message the teacher beforehand?

Definitely tell them but not at parents evening in front of your xh.