Worried that no one will ever love me - a vent!

[diffusedl]

Hi,
I'm not really asking anything. Just venting.
I'm just feeling so worried that no one will ever want me I know that this sounds so silly, and it'll sound sillier when your see that I am only 23! I have a 9 month old for context.
Her dad was abusive and I didn't feel loved for a long time in that relationship. My relationship before was also abusive and I always felt so up and down with him. I'm not sure I've ever felt truly loved, apart from when I was about 17 maybe
My dad was never really in the picture. Always cancelling on seeing his children and making excuses. I wonder if that contributes to my need for affection.
I'm so scared that I won't find anyone. I go on dates but they never really work out on my end and usually theirs too.
Someone please tell me to not lose hope I just miss the simple things and it's so upsetting to feel so alone

I was in a similar position to you at 23.

I focused on being a good parent, doing a degree, getting a career... I did finally find someone who was worthy of love and a relationship and giving up bing single for.

I was 46 by then which, for you, probably feels like a life time away - because it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ but it was worth the wait.

The feeling that you will never be loved is something that is difficult for those who haven't been there to understand. It's not a superficial passing thought, it's a deep, painful truth to you.

There are no guarantees in life. There is nothing to say you will find love. So focus on yourself, your child and your life. Treat yourself with the love akd care you want from someone else and then you will bein the best position to choose someone worthy of you rather than feeling you qr waiting for someone who deems you worthy of them.

On the other hand it is better to be on your own than to be with an abusive man.

I would urge you to now enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as you have had previous abusive relationships. Your boundaries here have been weakened and or otherwise damaged by these people and these need to be strengthened. You remain a prime target for such lowlifes to further get their teeth into.

Your dad being both unreliable and unavailable in your childhood has indeed played a large part in you feeling unloveable too. It would be a good idea to start unpicking all this through seeing a therapist, preferably a BACP registered one.

(Man here) Im going to be honest, the majoraty of men in thier 20s and 30s find single mums a turn off. Id say Single fathers would be ok with it but young men who are childless dont want to be raising another mans baby.

"But im not looking for a father figure" a lot of single mothers say that but eventually you'll end up being the father figure if you do decide to get into a relationship with her. She'll eventually expect you to play daddy

At least your going on dates, many men are lonely and dont get any dates at all. Your best bet would be to date single fathers because a young lad who hasnt got kids himself will not want to date a woman who has kids.

I mean everyone is different, and there will definitely be single men without children who wouldn't be put off dating a woman with children herself, though it maybe somewhat true that this is not particularly the norm.

There is no rush. Look after yourself. Happy people are attractive.

Same with younger women in thier 20s or 30s who dont have kids, most of them wouldnt want to date a single father.

To add to what has been said above, please don't hate me for saying this but you've basically come across as a wounded gazelle in a pack of lions.

You're young and already have the "I'm a single mum and worried I'll never find love" desperation vibe... and men prey on that. Men at that age are dicks and can smell this a mile away. They'll pretend to be interested in the long haul and run claiming they can't handle it.

Stand strong. You've got this. You don't need a man. Enjoy this time with your young one, undistracted. Love will come and it will be the right love. Just don't run out there in a panic as you will be feasted upon.

You'll be fine.

Ahh thanks everyone! I was feeling so emotional that night but feel pretty normal now and not so wounded 

@User99988
To those saying a single man with no kids won't want to date a single mum, that's interesting because I've had different experiences! I think it's wrong to say a whole community of people don't want to date a single mum! Maybe that's your opinion, but not the whole male species. Hate that from you! You really think every single mother is single until she finds a man with kids?! That's ludicrous

It hasn't been your experience because its not true. Unfortunately some men do like to perpetuate the myth in the hopes that young women with children will feel they have to lower their standards and date older men, less attractive men and men who don't treat them well. Its in their interests that you believe that younger single men won't want you, so you'll consider them!
I've seen countless single mums find relationships with men, both with and without children. It would by disingenuous to say some wouldn't be put off, but that still leaves that would be very interested.

id go so far and say “your present situation is not your final destination”.

what have happened to you don’t tell how your future will be, keep your eyes open and maybe look for other kind of men.
messier said than done, but look at the common theme with the men you’ve dated. Maybe there are characteristics that you realize you don’t want.
then set your bar higher.

Those who search will find, have faith.
It’s always easier said than done, but I believe that if you stay positive and look for positive things in people, positive is what you will find.

You’re also young and likelihood you’ll find a more mature guy rises with time.
Best of luck!

You know what, though? You do have that person in your life who loves you and who you love unconditionally, your baby. Focus on that relationship - being the faithful, dependable parent that your father wasn't. Build good friendships. Put 'finding love' on the back burner for the next few years. Find other ways to be happy. Build your sense of self-worth.

Then, if someone great comes along, you'll be in a good place to build a great relationship together. And if not, you'll be ok anyway.

PS I was seven years single before I met my dh. And they were seven great years.