Trying to workout the next move

[MrsH14]

So, a little bit of back story before I dive into the issue but it gives some context to the issue.

I’ve been with my DH for 15 years, married for 8. We are childless not by choice due to male infertility through not fault of his. He made the decision for us that he did it want to pursue fertility treatment and I went along with it because I love him and couldn’t picture my life without him.

We are now 7 years post diagnosis and 5 years post deciding to live childfree. We have 2 beautiful labradors and live a pretty good life.

Now for the advise, we went away on holiday in 2020 to Yorkshire and we had such a lovely time we have visited numerous occasions since. We own our house and decided that maybe we should make the move to Yorkshire. We could cut our mortgage in half, spend all of our weekends out walking and visit new places with our dogs, riding new roads in the summer on our motorbikes and much more.
He loved the idea at first (summer 2021) and we had our house valued. He then changed his mind. He then changed his mind to doing it again at the beginning of this year and again a few weeks later said no. He then started talking about doing it and I told him early summer this year that if we were going to do it this year it would be worth getting the house on the market sooner rather than later. He agreed. We put the house on the market. It sold immediately. That was a month ago.
Nobodys fault but now we are struggling to find a house in Yorkshire and now he has changed his mind again.

I don’t really know what I want from this post but I’m just so frustrated and sick and tired of big life decisions always being on his terms. I love him, I really do but I’m struggling to be around him.

It sounds like a hugely stressful situation.

I'm not sure if I have any actual advice, but just more questions - sorry. What reasons has he given for changing his mind and if his mind his made up now, what does he suggest you do now the house is sold?

I’m just so frustrated and sick and tired of big life decisions always being on his terms.

Have you told him this?

Well, there's always the option of pursuing the life you want up in Yorkshire, and who knows, be a mother one day.
There's a big difference between no sperm and low sperm, so if he's in the first category it's he could of still considered fertility treatment - not like he has to have much input. I think you are understandably resentful of his lack of trying, and this latest example is maybe the straw that's breaking the camels back. He's holding back your happiness on 2 major counts, time to think about just how much sacrifice you are willing to make, when it seems he's not reciprocating.

@catell01 That I have no idea. From my stand point im not even willing to think about not moving unless our buyers pull out which I am aware could happen due to the time it’s taking for us to find something else.

It's hard to believe that he's changed his mind about the move so many times and you've got no explanation from him as to why?

So, you'll go without him? When you say he has changed his mind about going, has he said he wants to stay behind and you go alone, or is that just you saying you're going anyway? Is he saying he wants you both to say or us he basically saying he wants to split up?

@Aquamarine1029 I have previously told him this. Especially when he messed me around the last couple of times with agreeing to go and then changing his mind.

@Opentooffers he has zero sperm. We both agreed we didn’t want to use donor sperm but he had surgery where they found some so we could have pursued treatment but he didn’t want to.
I have mentioned that I would go and do it on my own (financially I could). Honestly though I just feel like I’m going to keep giving into what he wants, on his timeline because I love him.

Honestly though I just feel like I’m going to keep giving into what he wants, on his timeline because I love him.

Just stop. Marriage is about compromise, and not just from one spouse. Your resentment is going to grow to the point where it destroys your marriage.

@MrsH14 Honestly though I just feel like I’m going to keep giving into what he wants, on his timeline because I love him.

So no more discussion or advice needed here on MN then.

@catell01 sorry, his reasons for not going are that we aren’t unhappy living here. We have a good life and he is close to his family (they live about 30 mins from us).
I am sure he suffers from anxiety which isn’t helping but he won’t talk to anyone about that either and I don’t know how to help him with it.
He wants us to both stay.

@Aquamarine1029 This is what scares me the most.
I just can’t see another way. I give in to him and the resentment may build.
Or he gives in to me and he resents me for taking him away from his family

Well, you've already said that you're going to go along with whatever he decides so decision made. I'd start looking for houses or pull the plug on your sale if I were you!

I'd seriously sit him down and tell him you're happy to stay, happy to not take advantage of the opportunity you have to have DC, but only if he seeks some professional help, some kind of therapy for example to get to the root cause of all the indecision, which seems to be controlling both of your lives

You ought to tell him how you feel Op.

You've already allowed him to make one big, irreversible life decision on your behalf, do you want him to make another?

I feel great sympathy for you. Something similar has been happening to me.

In 2019 my husband wanted to move from our forever house. At first I didn’t want to move, but he persuaded me. We decided we move close to my married DD. I was happy with this as I want to help her with her future children.

Pandemic came, then went. When I went to start looking again, he decided he didn’t want to move after all. This became a bone of contention. As far as he was concerned “we” (he) had made the decision to stay.

There were many other things I was unhappy about in the marriage and this was the final nail in the head. Since we have talked about divorce I am now finding he keeps changing mind about all sorts of really important things and it is very frustrating.

Looking back over the years I realise this has been a defining behaviour of his, and has caused me untold grief over the years. It’s nearly always big decisions, not the smaller ones. He only seems to have problems in his personal life.

So I guess what I am saying, is this just maybe what he is like. I have been my own worst enemy because I have let him mess me around with the ‘on the bus, off the bus’ behaviour. Please take my advice, decide what it is you want, and just keep him on plan.

i am really not the sort of person who would advise you to do things for selfish reasons, but with a husband like this you need to just keep pushing.

In your shoes OP I would push ahead with the move whether he is joining you or not.

You stayed with him because you love him and gave up the chance of a family to stay with him. Now he needs to step up and make a return compromise.
and if he can’t then perhaps it is for the best.

You could make a whole new life possibly even with children. Life is short, men come and go, relationships are not based in unconditional love. You seem to have reached your condition. Sorry to be blunt.

Move to Yorkshire and look into having a child.