How do I get "us" back

[mrskcam]

Okay so background;
Im 23, hubby 26. Married 4 months but together for 5 years. Got an 8 month old daughter. We have been through a lot together, including a miscarriage.

So this year has been crazy busy. We had our daughter at the start, got married at the middle of the year, followed shortly by selling our first property and buying our family home. I have also changed job roles at work and am returning to work in a couple of weeks when my daughter starts nursery.

Somehow through all of this we've lost "us". I know it makes a bit of sense with all the stress and our focus being consumed with these big life changes but we've had many conversations lately about how our relationship has taken a back burner and we don't know how to get it going again from here. We have admitted we are both unhappy lately. We are more like friends, which is why we're unhappy as we want to get us back again, as lovers. We have zero intimacy, we don't even cuddle on the sofa anymore, which is largely my fault, I just don't feel like it (even though deep down this IS what I want?) My husband works 60+ hour week, nights, so I feel like I'm raising my daughter alone, im lonely. He's a great dad, and works so hard for us. Cutting down hours isn't an option financially but whenever he does have a day off he's exhausted or is doing life admin for us as he's better at doing that while I keep the house and family ticking over nicely.
We feel desperate about what if it doesn't get any better? There's no bad problems, the issues that are there are things that actually help the relationship (working long = money, spare time taken up with life admin = everything admin,financial is sorted etc) we just don't really connect anymore due to lack of time with each other I guess?
Neither one of us are doing anything wrong per se, we have incredibly busy lives and both very much agree that our relationship needs work but don't know how.
I want my happy place back, I miss him.
How do I make this better?

Thoughts pleaseeeee

The first year is always the busiest but on top of that you've had all that going on ..
Date nights at home? , night to sit down once a week and chat etc ..
At least you're aware of it too x

This is very normal in the early years of child-rearing. In a strong relationship, it passes and you should be able to get back on track when your little one is a bit older. Sounds like you have a strong relationship.

It’s great that you’re aware of it and able to communicate about it. Scheduling occasional date nights where you can remember yourselves as something other than parents can be helpful. Also - if you’re comfortable doing it - some occasional “maintenance sex” to keep the relationship ticking over. We did this and it worked for us but it’s not for everyone.

Why is it your job? What has he suggested?

I agree with the date night suggestion, at home is easiest, but maybe every couple of months get a babysitter. Even, snuggling up with popcorn to watch a film can be lovely. It does take work, but if you both try........

I think when you have a baby, you throw yourself so much into parenting the baby, and PROVIDING affection, love, holding, food, comfort, care and so on.

And it can mean you get very alienated from the part of your own self that wishes to be cared for, be caressed, be in someone's arms, have skin to skin yourself (and of course sexual feelings - which are really a kind of more developed adult version of a baby desire to be close and held).

Could you reconnect with the "baby" in yourself? That wants to receive affection and be held/intimate?

It doesn't mean you won't be able to provide that to your own baby.

In fact - you will probably be better at providing it to her, as you will know much more how she feels and what she desires, if you are not alienated from your own desire.

Plus, your DD going to nursery is a very big step, it stirs up all sorts of strong feelings that will take a while to get used to.

Overall, with miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, then going back to work and leaving your baby at nursery, you have recently experienced a tsuami of massive life events and powerful emotions, it will take you time to get on the level again.

But it will come and if you work at it - you and your DH should be able to settle down into some kind of new normal - won't be quite like it was, but it will probably be more intimate than now.

Unless you have DC2 of course then it all starts all over again ...

It’s hard when you are working parents, and it sounds like you have both been through a lot.

My late MIL was awesome, and made sure she regularly babysat for us, so we could have date nights, tbh it probably saved our marriage. Do you have any family that can give you both a break now and then? It’s important to keep your relationship alive too.

Very best wishes OP.

@snowbellsxox thanks for your reply. We do try to have at home date night but I think we've even made that "too" casual. I'm going to float the idea of putting a bit more thought into it on both our sides to ensure we are connecting x

@Dery so glad to hear that what we're going through is relatively normal!

Yes I am going to try maintenance sex. Hubby has made efforts over the past weeks that I have turned down each time. After a conversation about it he asked me if it's because I'm not attracted to him anymore which is definitely not the case. I explained to him that I think it's a mix of stressful and tiring life and also I'm still trying to come to terms with my new mum body ... Last time we had sex when I wasn't really in the mood I still enjoyed it and he was definitely much more relaxed and happy afterwards so maybe this is a good shout x

@Watchkeys what do you mean? If you're referencing my last sentence then that's because this is my way of figuring out how I can do things to make things better.
He has his own ways, we are mutually trying to overcome this.

@Hadalifeonce yeah I think the babysitter every once in a while will be good ... I've never left my daughter with anyone (not on best terms with my family and hubbys family live 6 hours away) so hoping once she starts nursery I'll be a little more lax with leaving her with someone.

@Bumpsadaisie wow, this is such a refreshing way to look at it. I'm going to show my husband this comment because you've just described what I've been struggling to put into words. Thank you ☺️

@Bumpsadaisie p.s I'm one and done. No dc2 for us! (That's mutual)

I was just making sure you weren't taking on full responsibility for fixing up a joint issue. Sounds like you're on it. Sorry I missed the mark.

@Roselilly36 unfortunately his parents live 6 hours away and although my family do see my daughter I would never be comfortable in them looking after her without me (from various past issues and arguments etc). I think that's partly why I'm looking forward to going back to work, I've never left dd with anyone so it forces me to put her in nursery (right next to my work thank the lord) and then I can have a little break from looking after her - she's really good as gold but I'd like to reclaim "me" instead of just being "mum".

@Watchkeys I understand where you're coming from but thankfully both hubby and I realise both of us made it this way so it's up to both to fix it ☺️

You've probably got the healthiest relationship on the relationship board! Good luck. If you're both engaged in getting things sorted, you'll find a way.