Just can't get on with my mother in law

[Absolutegeek97]

Hi, so as the title suggests I am having some trouble with my mother in law.
In fact, I am so fed up of her belittling behavior. At times we can really get on, but its her sheer amount of opinions and obsessiveness that really separate us.

I consider myself to be someone who loves to learn about new things, my job also means that I am open to understanding different interpretations of facts and opinions. Also I have always thought of people as 'a mixture of experiences, memories, interests and circumstances meaning no two people ever can be the same.' To me, its that idea that keeps me understanding that opposing opinions are just as worthy.

Now I am not talking about politics here as such, but my mother in law is so opinionated and I am often the result of some of those opinions. She is also the type to really dig into you and go too far.

A simple explanation of this would be a discussion we had the other day. We were talking about a certain popular TV show. I was asked if I liked it, to which I replied, "It's not for me. I can see why people like it. However, I just don't know who the celebrities are half the time. The fact that this show relies on guessing who these people are just gets lost on me." I have seen the show and I was referring to those who often appear on the show who are in soaps. I just don't watch them because they don't appeal to me.

She instantly pounced on me, accusing me of being horrible and nasty. She told me, "Some older people watch this show and its their only entertainment." I may not know who they are but it doesn't make them less important." I said, "I know, but I never said that. I just said I don't know anything about soaps. I also don't know much about sports."

It should have stopped there but it didn't. I am abit of a nerd and I love British Comedy and Science Fiction. I tried to joke it off and said "Put a British sitcom on I could name everyone on it. I was watching Hot Fuzz the previous night, and I could name most of the actors on it. I'm not totally clueless." (To be honest most people could.) She instantly told me that I was 'sad and pathetic' and I wasn't cultured enough.

She even had the cheek to criticise me over that I reguarly go to stand up gigs, and have done so for years. She told me It was stupid and she 'doesn't know why I like half of these people because they are s**t.' She then told me she only likes one person. Jeff Dunham, urrghh!

Not to be arrogant here or anything but I work in the media, and have qualifications in Film and TV Production/ Digital Design and a masters in English. Both qualifications are important to my job. I'm not at all arty farty in anyway.

She didn't stop there and proceeded to dismantle a sitcom I absolutely love. Abit hyprocritical if you ask me. That sitcom is very special to me, I have made friends going to conventions about it. I also watched the latest episode with my dad a while back, it was the last memory I have of him being well before his cancer diagnosis and ultimate death.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how they have dealt with such people.

Grey rock.

Never offer anything remotely resembling an opinion on anything.

Minimal contact, smile sweetly and say very little. Certainly never express your opinion

Thanks. What do you mean by Grey rock?

As above.

Actively avoid.
Offer no opinion whatsoever on anything.

Re think your relationship if your partner is happy for you to be treated like this?

Has anyone had any experience on how to deal with this.

I'm afraid this is not the only thing she does to me. We get along, and can laugh together but she is a massive enigma and its like walking on egg shells. Her methods of control go to far. I am often left notes how to dress myself and how to go to toilet and get a shower. She also says I am a tramp if I have a crease in a t-shirt.

Ive seen her do it with her husband, she can pick a fight over just about anything. He was cooking a sunday dinner at the weekend and was concerned about the crispyness of the potatoes. He asked her about it and she just shouted at him, he just argued back 'Why are you always like this?'

I know my boyfriend is so divided over it. He knows I can't always deal with her. He seems so stuck like he is used to it. It really upsets him too. I have seen him cry. I also see the confident man he is trip over his words in front of her.

Ok wrong thread lol sorry 😂

That’s because she wants and has all the control. It’s a very difficult situation and one that you have to be very sure that you can live with, as she won’t get better with age!!

My MIL doesn't sound as bad as yours but she does love a pointless argument, often about TV or minor celebrities! She does this thing where if no one disagrees with her she just keeps saying more ridiculous or extreme things until it results in a (mostly quite good-natured) argument. I have to say I find it really tiring and just tend to disengage. Nod along to make it look like you're listening but think about something else.

But your MIL is making personal insults to/about you, that's quite different. Your DP should be calling her out on these things. If he doesn't want to do that, he can visit her on his own.

My mil is like this. After 25 years of marriage we now see her maybe once or twice a year. She caused all sorts of problems between my husband and myself. Eventually the time between contacts increased and we hardly see her now. It’s a real shame as the kids barely know their gma, and she certainly doesn’t know them. It’s a situation I spent 15 years trying to change. But she’s just got worse as the years have gone on

Are you living with her ?

Yes definitely look at grey rock, though it does seem she will find something to argue with you about no matter how bland you are.
Also look at Jade- justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. Avoid doing it.
Or just avoid her.

What does your partner think of their mother's behaviour?. He is key here.

I would put his mother on an information diet and see her as little as possible. You can adopt the grey rock technique but over time this can become exhausting in its own right.

Why do you think you get along and can laugh together?. Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them.

I am sorry but she has led you up the garden path here. This type of person does not like other women muscling in on their precious son which they assume full ownership and control over.

Your bf is mired in fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his batshit mother.
If he cannot and or equally will not be able to stand up for himself or for you here then I would end the relationship because no relationship is worth all this pain. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and you're being used here as some form of buffer between them. His dad is a bystander and weak man who has also failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviour.

Yep your DP simply needs to take his Mum aside and ask her to stop looking for a fight at every opportunity, and then quash it every time she starts to raise the game. A look might even do it. Just like parenting. At least your MIL is obvious - some are far more devious wind up merchants.

Drop the rope. Don't rise to the bait. Go grey rock.
Pick your preferred metaphor.

Some people love to be right, to prove you wrong, can't tolerate dissent. It takes two to argue though.

At the moment, you are engaging with her every attempt to engage you.

Stop it. Just, don't do it.

Nod politely, say 'there's nice, dear'.

"She also says I am a tramp if I have a crease in a t-shirt"

I take back what I said about grey rock and not having an opinion. She is despicable. How do you think she would react if you responded to that sort of remark by shouting "DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" at her?

It is hard, she has had me in tears and then told me she is sorry. If I have helped her with something, she has always thanked me and told me 'Good job.' She can be very good natured, but she does pick fights.

Like I say we can get along, but she does like to have a degree of control, and that control can be too much. I think it would be one thing to say, you have a stain on the back of that shirt, that would make sense. But no, it has to be about a crease.

Yes grey rock. Dont tell them much. My mother like this. Its tiring. Op reduce contact with her. Yes no answers. They have opinions on everything

I’d develop some go to phrases - for you and the boyfriend. I do like the ‘don’t you dare talk to me/him like that…’ that @EndlessMagpies suggested.

make sure you agree it with him first!

id also suggest turning it back on her such as - regarding T-shirt creases - “what a bizarre comment/reaction…” or ask her if she’s alright as she’s overreacting to a situation. And tell
her she’s overreacting.

she’s bullying. That’s it plain and simple.

call her in it every single time or live in fear and tiptoe on eggshells. Tell her “I just can’t talk/deal with you when you are being like this’” and walk away. Or tell her to leave.

but you and the chap need a united front on how you will deal with these situations so she can’t play you off against each other.

it’s like Pavlovs conditioning theory. Her reactions and responses need treatment to re-educate her on how to
behave.

I've found that my MIL will more often than not disagree with something I say. If I was to say that DD3 didn't sleep well last night because she was woken up by a Fox outside she'd have to offer another reason as to why DD may have woken up

About two years ago I stopped making conversation with her. Now I will say hello but I don't speak unless she asks me a question and then I keep my response very brief

@Absolutegeek97

Seriously? Run for the hills. (And I'm a MiL)

Your boyfriend is scared of her (and so is her husband by the sounds of it) and doesn't have your back - if I spoke to my children's partners like that I'd have been (rightly ) told to Fuck Off and they'd have disowned me

Imagine, if she's like this over a t-shirt, how she'd be over children. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Unless your boyfriend (are you planning to marry?) is prepared to stand up to her this relationship has misery stamped all over it.

I concur!
It took 15 years for my husband to see it!
It was a homemade birthday cake that I made which was the catalyst for change. The cake was ok, I’m not a great baker, but I tried to decorate it like a hedgehog ( it wasn’t the best). But I got compliments from hubby, kids friends who were there. My mil muttered to me, “ I expect you’d like a medal” And guess what! My husband heard her!!
He very politely asked her to leave…….. we’ve been very low contact ever since.
We finally have peace

Dear NannyOgg, you sound lovely!
could you be my surrogate mil?

Maybe it’s just best you say that it’s better that you don’t see her too much because she upsets you with her conversation.

Wise words.

Utter misery awaits you.