Why can't I move on after 3 years?

[whitestares]

He isn't a nice person (well wasn't to me) at the end.
Everyone loves him
It all went so wrong
We haven't spoken now in 2 years and I still can't get over him.
He is now married after a year relationship and they've been together 2 years now.
He's treating her better than he ever treated me and seems like a new man.
So many questions
Why did he treat me so horrible and yet she gets the nice side.
All the happy pictures
Where's the nasty piece of work gone?
I don't get it
Did he hate me ?

He is still there, these men do NOT change. I was the second wife of someone like you described and I'm sure his first wife felt the same as you. The reality was that he was very abusive to me too and I eventually managed to leave after losing 19 years of my life to that marriage. Think yourself lucky - lick your wounds and get therapy.

How do you know she's gets his nice side?

From social media? Social media is the most fake place in the world. It's easy to smiling for a photo, post something on Facebook when you are utterly miserable inside.

Do you see them in person? Again, what you see isn't the truth. When me and my exH separated, everyone was absolutely shocked. Mainly because we had been out with a huge group of friends days before and probably looked blissfully happily married. I was dying inside. No one knew or suspected anything.

That put a side, you absolutely need to stop focusing on him/them and focus on your happiness. Men like him don't usually change. He may have found someone who he is more suited too - i.e someone who is more tolerable to put up with his shit.

All the pictures he is smiling
She's smiling
Breaks away with friends and they all smiling happy,having fun
I don't understand why he couldn't treat me like that

It's all fake op.

You really don’t know what side she is seeing. But in any case, stop tormenting yourself by looking at their photos.

@Aprilx the only reason I've seen is he tagged one of our mutual friends on Facebook so popped up on my news feed

I think therapy would be beneficial to you. What you need to realise is it doesn't matter how he's treating her, he could be the nicest guy in the world now but he still treated you appallingly by the sounds. That's YOU. Not her - he is probably doing the same to her too but that really doesn't matter. What matters is you and what you deserve. He treated you badly end of.

It's time to realise that. He doesn't deserve a place in your thinking space.

Why are you even wasting headspace on this man? Whether their relationship is happy or not doesn't matter. What does matter is that your relationship with him wasn't a good one. You got out, focus on yourself and your future.

You need to read this OP ;natashaadamo.com/is-my-ex-happy-in-his-new-relationship/

In what ways was he horrible to you OP?

Every relationship creates a different dynamic - a unique mix - so no I don't think it's as straightforward as saying photos of him and his new partner looking happy is all "fake". Look at some high profile cases - Justin Lee Collins - he was vile to a woman he was dating but his ex wife said he'd always been respectful and non violent towards her. Same with Vanessa Paradis and Kate Moss speaking up for Johnny Depp at the Amber Herd trial.

He may be different in his current relationship, or it may be all a sham, but either way if he was horrible to you you should be glad to be rid of him.

Going against the grain I don’t think it’s all necessarily fake like people always say, some people just bring out the worst in each other, and aren’t right for each other.

“I think therapy would be beneficial to you. What you need to realise is it doesn't matter how he's treating her, he could be the nicest guy in the world now but he still treated you appallingly by the sounds. That's YOU. Not her - he is probably doing the same to her too but that really doesn't matter. What matters is you and what you deserve. He treated you badly end of.

It's time to realise that. He doesn't deserve a place in your thinking space.”

This. 3 years is plenty long enough to get over him but for some reason you’re stuck. I think therapy would really help you.

He would make me jealous constantly with other women.
He loved attention from women
He would text other women as "friends" but plant the seed in my head that they wanted him.
He would gaslight me all the time
All of his ex gfs were apparently "unstable " and he was quite proud that he sent them this way by being so "good looking"
He was either all over me with texts ,phone calls or treated me like nothing.
We would go out for a meal /night out whatever and I would make myself look nice and regardless of who the women were he would have to try and talk with them or stare at them and if I said anything I would "be acting crazy "
He made every woman in a room feel like he wanted them bar me (it's hard to explain really )
He messed with my emotions constantly and said it was me who had a problem.

And you think he's not doing that to her because she's smiling for a photograph?

A similar viewpoint here OP;

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/

It is easy to remember romantics over the bad times.

It is easy to feel like your heart and soul has been ripped apart.

I missed my miserable moody ex for a longtime even when I first moved on.

It was the pain and punishment I missed.

I completely changed tactics and dated someone the polar opposite we're still together 17 years later with two DC.

I'm so happy I didn’t end up back with Mt ex.

Thankyou I've read over everything you've all posted it's v helpful
Honestly I'm so sick of comparing myself to his new girlfriend and what she had to make him change his ways.
I have no self confidence left,I hate myself I really do.
I just hate myself now.

I know exactly how you feel
I was with my ex partner for 12 years and I asked him to move out six months ago because he was very abusive ..both physically and mentally and I couldn’t have my young daughter livin in this situation anymore..
When he wasn’t abusive he was very loving towards me and he made me feel safe I believe this is something to do with the way he has treated you and the way mine treated me as to why we still cling onto them like We have Stockholm syndrome or something

Six years ago when my daughter was two days old he left me for another woman 12 years younger than me he also asked her to marry him and showered her with love and affection even introduced her to his family and did everything with her until she left him don’t worry the way he treated you will come out in the way he treats this woman and you don’t know that it’s Rosy- pictures don’t tell you what’s really going on

I’m going to get counselling in order to find out why I can only be happy with abusive men , Why I crave an abusive manand I think you should get counselling too

People don't fundamentally change, they usually just get better at hiding who they are.

You ever said it in your opening post - everyone loves him. That's because he portrays himself in the best light to everyone other than the women he is with behind closed doors.

I bet a lot of people on the outside thought you were treated better than you were too.

You cannot let one person's treatment of you define you. I hate some good exes and some not so good exes - their opinion of me is irrelevant.

The real problem here isn't him or their life, it's your own self esteem which has been eroded. Be nicer to yourself and rebuild it. Once you do, he will matter so much less to you. You are giving him too much headspace and control over your self worth.

I have loads (all of?) photos of me smiling taken with or by my XH where just before or just after we were in a horrible shouting gaslit torturous rows... They are not representative of reality. I look blissfully happy. I was not.

Pity the poor cow he left me for except I don't as think she got what she deserved when she nicked another woman's husband.

That's so true.
If I was to tell people how he treated me and the way he spoke to me -nobody would believe how horrible he spoke to me.
There's only a few who get to see that.
He is in his 40s so I don't know how much he can change and wether old habits die hard.
He loved the attention so much I honestly don't known how long he can stop himself looking around.
And it's not my problem is it
I think I need to tell myself this wasn't on me-like other have said he decided how to treat me.
He liked seeing me upset