I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8.
He recently had a friendship with someone at work which developed to the point that they kissed several times in the office. He tells me this is the extent of it.
This is the very short version.
I first found out about messages sent to each other in June after the code on his phone was changed and the messages deleted (not before I saw they were there). He continued to reassure me that they were just friends and that it would be a conscious decision for anything physical to happen between them. I made it clear I thought this could and would happen but he was adamant. I also told him all the way through this that however upset and hurt I was by his continuing this 'connection' I was also realistic in that I accepted not every relationship lasts forever and maybe this had highlighted a checkpoint for us to look at our relationship, which wasn't perfect but I felt was very stable. I did however make it clear he had to choose between our relationship and his friendship with her.
Fast forward and I find out that they had in fact (after the point he said about the conscious decision) kissed several times as well as exchanging sexually explicit messages.
On the surface he chose me but I then found out they continued to message each other, but this was ok because they were just making sure the other one was ok and it was back to being just friends.
There had been a conversation in which he had made it clear that he was not leaving me and then within days she came clean to her partner. He doesn't see this as being connected.
In fact, I feel he's deluded about the whole thing.
The first glimmer of remorse was when she told her partner because it started to affect him. He doesn't see it as an affair. I asked him to leave and he very begrudgingly went to stay with his parents around 8 weeks ago. I've asked him to show me that it is me he wants to be with, not the life we have built with our two young children and he thinks merely sleeping somewhere else (he's still here for the childcare he usually does anyway) is showing me that.
This whole thing has blindsided me.
There's a bit more detail that I won't go into but basically I feel that he has put his and her needs in front of mine at every turn and opportunity I have given him and completely disrespected me.
I'm at the stage now where I need to make plans for the future.
He thinks I'm overreacting about the whole thing, but I feel like I need to protect myself and my kids.
And yes they still work together.
Help!