Is DH distant behaviour in my head?

[Eekamouse23]

We’re coming up to nearly twenty years together, two late teen DC. He’s had past issues with drinking and previously attended AA. I’ve not really engaged about that now as we more or less sleep separately, when we do go to bed together, I’m normally asleep by the time he climbs in after he’s earlier fallen asleep on the couch. Sex is a rarity, he doesn’t feel he can perform due to tiredness or stress, but I think from the drinking, I’ve given up asking as he has made me feel truly demeaned and unattractive.

He doesn’t really talk with me other than about the DC and house chores, when we go out, if I don’t instigate talking, he just doesn’t engage with me anymore. I find myself feeling inwardly frustrated and in emotional pain, if I say anything he gets defensive. I’ve noticed this gradually over this last year. Around everyone else including DC, he is communicative and jokey. I just feel like I’m ignored. I’ve raised and even asked if he is seeing someone but he tells me I’m being stupid and then for a bit, he engages, is civil making an effort but then he starts to wane in interest.

I went for a long country walk with him today and we kind of chatted, but he kept walking ahead of me with our dogs and I got a bit flustered when we got to the coffee shop as it was crowded and I felt anxious. I said I wanted to go home and we’ve not spoken since. I was asleep when they all had tea. I don’t feel like eating and it’s late.

I’m unhappy, I think he’s unhappy, maybe he’s got female interest at work as he’s always on his phone (tiktok) or popping out to get groceries, walk the dogs. If he is seeing someone I’m really not sure how he manages! Perhaps maybe it’s a phone affair as he’s close to an ex colleague he used to work with, but she’s so much younger than him and I’ve met her in the past and she’s always been nice to me. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Maybe I’m not as I do not feel like a supported wife who is loved how I’d like to be. I feel very lonely and sad tonight. I know I sound very selfish in what I’ve written. I work full time whilst sorting and managing DC, house, also I’ve listened in the past to his family issues, his medical health and work stresses, I don’t feel I get that in return. I’ve tried to write how it feels as I’m in distress as I do think my marriage is over, but current climate means we are stuck together.

You don't sound happy at all. Imagine what life would be like once the kids have left? Such a waste of life and you only have one OP. You could get all your ducks in a row for later if you can't face it now.

Thanks for replying. I don’t feel happy at all, I think my depression has returned as I feel so empty. It feels like with his past drinking and behaviour, I’m totally drained. The only thing I enjoy is my job but I think that’s just to get me out the house. I feel very lonely and stuck.

I’m not sure what I can do as my confidence in myself is non existent.

What a very sad post.

You need to end this hell of a relationship as it is making you ill. Sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Work out the financials and go your separate ways.

You sound very like me. I’ve never felt as lonely as the last few years of my marriage.
Get your ducks in a row and make a plan. I saw a solicitor a few years ago and found it very empowering, but I’ve not found the guts to end it yet.

Get out of there if you can, it sounds like you are very unhappy and he isn't willing to make changes or re engage. Whatever the reason, your mental health is suffering. Being alone seems like a scary unknown but once you're there, after feeling like this, its like a huge weight has been lifted and you come back to yourself

It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship, that may or may not be due to his head being turned by someone else - but the facts are he is not participating in this relationship, and you either need to talk to each other and find out why, or just call it quits and make other plans.

Thanks for your comments, I will get in touch with a solicitor but I do feel really stuck as I know he will never move out of our family home (in previous arguments he has flat out refused as he pays the mortgage). I just can’t afford anything on my own with my salary. Would a solicitor be able to advise me on this the financial and living arrangements?

Many abusive men threaten to remain in the marital home. He can threaten all he likes not to move out of the family home (without you around there's no-one for instance to cook and clean up for and after him) but he really cannot dictate such to you.

Your relationship to your H is a dysfunctional dance of codependency and that state has done you and for that matter him no favours whatsoever. I would urge you to rip the band aid off and seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap; a solicitor would indeed be able to advise re finances and living arrangements. It may well be that the house would need to be sold.

I feel for your DC to be honest; they've seen and heard far more than either of you as their parents have cared to realise. You've stayed with your H for your own reasons (nothing to do with the kids) and they have also borne the impact of both parents choices and poor decision making. You've both taught your children very mixed messages about relationships and their dad has emotionally harmed them too by being all jolly supposedly with them whilst behaving crap to you as their mother. They have had to learn fast around him (i.e be both hypervigilent to his moods and subserviant in an attempt not to set him off) and likely wonder why you and he are still together at all. It's never too late to teach them better lessons about relationships. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Yes.

I’ve been talking to a solicitor recently and I’m pretty much due 50/50. The two things that recently counted were being married and it being a long marriage.

Many solicitors will give you an initial consultation free of charge..

You don’t sound selfish at all. I know that feeling when they make you feel it’s all your fault and you lose yourself. I recommend private therapy, the best you can afford. It really only took one session for me to understand my husband was causing all my unhappiness and I was not at fault. I asked for relationship counselling, he refused, we are now divorcing.

He originally said he wouldn’t sell the house. He did go see a solicitor and I think they explained he couldn’t do that. We are now selling the house.

Even though he pays the mortgage, it may still be considered a joint marital asset. I’m not 100% sure on that, but solicitors will have seen it hundreds of times and will know all the wrinkles.