I miss intimacy with my husband

[Tryingtobehappyagain]

My husband, my soulmate, my world passed away in May this year. He was just 39. I'm 42.
To say I miss him not nearly explaining how much. He's my everything. My every thought. Night times are the worst. I've not moved any of his belongings. I just can't accept it. I miss his voice, mannerisms, his smell, his look, his touch. His touch was electric. We were a highly sexed couple that was compatible in every way. I never knew it was even possible to feel like the way he made me feel. A lot of it was because our love was so strong. He could just look at me and I'd be needing him. Neither of us would ever say no. He was just perfect. We would hold hands on bed watching TV. Couldn't shower without the other being there to talk to the other. Besides work, we spent all our time together. It was just a dream.
I miss his kisses, his touch, the feelings we have one another, the joy, the laughs, the cuddles, the bum squeezes /pats. The boob pinches and jiggling when he would walk by me. How I would come home on my dinner break from work, if he was standing at the doorway I knew he was ready and we'd have a quicky. The list is so long. To match to someone mentally, physically and emotionally so perfectly is hard to find. Obviously I miss all the normal life things but the intimacy between us was OUR love for one another that no one saw. It was our thing. How do I honestly move forward? Everyone says to me to not write myself off, but I just can't and don't want to let go of my husband. It's like I'm waiting for him to come home all the time. I've not even change his pillowcases yet. To go from intimacy everyday in some form, to nothing. It's just so lonely. What I would do to have him next to me again. I'm absolutely broken beyond repair. My heart literally hurts. I cry at every opportunity I can to have the release. How do I cope with the loneliness?

I don’t have an answer OP but my heart goes out to you. Maybe someone with more experience of this will come along.

My heart hurts for you OP. You had something so beautiful. I can't even begin to imagine losing that. I didn't want to read and run but I actually don't know what to say in all honesty. For what it is worth, reach out to people. In my darkest of times a couple of people got me through somehow by smothering me but I haven't lost my partner and I'm a stranger on the internet. I'm sorry though x

Echo what has been said above and I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately no one can ever say anything or do anything to help apart from offering words of comfort.

Have you spoken to you dr and asked for a referral to talking therapy?

💐

Why do you need to let go ? Live your life as you see fit.

OP - I’m so very sorry for your loss. Of course you’re devastated. Your DH died rather young which makes an already incredibly painful loss even worse. FWIW I think it’s very natural that you’re still feeling this way and it seems to me way too soon to be thinking in terms of future relationships. Your friends may mean well but it’s not helpful to you. You have lost your partner in a wonderful relationship and he only passed away in May. It’s not even 6 months. A loss like this requires a much longer recovery time.

I can imagine that in time you will be able to take joy and solace from the fact that, despite only having a rather short time on earth, your husband was able to be part of a wonderfully loving and rewarding relationship and that’s because of what he shared with you. You gave him that. Now you’re having to bear the loss of that, the grief and pain are of course absolutely huge.

Your husband will always be important to you - there won’t come a point where this loss was okay. It will always matter that he passed away so young. But the day-to-day intensity will with time start to subside but probably not for some time yet. You will be left with an amazing store of treasured memories which will give you more pleasure than pain. And your day-to-day life will start to feel more normal again and you will start to be able to look to the future. But it’s completely natural that you’re not there yet and may well not be there for a good while yet.

In terms of coping with the loneliness, are there people you can speak to about this? Are you having grief counselling? Do you have some activities planned? Walks in nature? Perhaps a new hobby. Do you engage in an activity that allows you to express emotions - painting or making music, for example? Or a sport - for releasing emotions?

I've got plenty to keep me occupied. We have 3 children together. 19,16 and our accidental miracle 2 years old. Im also disabled with multiple sclerosis and work part time (reduced hours since my husband passed). In the daytime is absolutely chaotic. The evenings are the worst and the odd free moment of thought I get. I have to hold myself together for the kids sake to, which is exhausting. They are obviously devastated and trying to get on with life but so much always points to their dad. He was very much a hands on father so his absence is felt in our home. We are all on waiting lists for bereavement therapy as they don't consider you till the 6-7 month mark apparently. Still waiting to hear from them now. We are all on about 5 lists. It's a crying shame our youngest will never remember her daddy. Her memories will be everyone else's stories of him. Life is just cruel. I only know of being with my husband. I don't know any different. we were young when we met and it just worked from day one.
I'm, as you can see, bearly holding myself together, so being the strength for our children is mentally draining. I just want him back. I can't do this alone. I don't know how 😭😭😭😭😔😔😔🥺🥺🥺🥺

You will do it trust me but it will be hard.

You are a fantastic mum and you will pass on your husbands values for the rest of your life.

Your husband probably did a lot more than most due to the re and support you need and this must be hard.

Do you have any help with the childcare? Have you thought of looking for some local support groups? Where I live we have a group called womens health in south tyneside and they offer kids of support for women. Here’s the website for an idea

www.whist.org.uk/what-we-offer/

Sorry meant all kinds of support

I am so sorry for your loss xxx.

Oh op
you truly had an amazing love with him there
and now your heart is hurting and you have so much to handle

I’m sorry for your loss as he sounds amazing

there isn’t anyone can say . You have to go on as you have your DC

major self care
the only think that ever Comforted me after a bereavement was getting into nature

Oh my goodness, my heart hurts for you. Life is a !?#@! How awful.

I am so sorry.

what support do you have? Can you attend some counselling/ therapy?

My thoughts are with you. You will conquer this xxxxx

OP I am so so sorry for your loss. You write so beautifully of the love between you and your husband.

I had no idea that bereavement therapy had a waiting period, that seems strange. Are you getting help from your GP? Do you have supportive friends and extended family to lean on? Do you get plenty of cuddles from your children?

I don't have any great comfort to pass on, but my heart goes out to you.

Neither the kids or myself are having counselling as we are all on waiting lists. Bereavement counselling they say won't work if to close to the situation. Time has to pass apparently. We are all just plodding on and trying to get by, but how can you when such a big change has happened. They've lost an amazing parent and I've lost the love of my life. There's nothing that happens in our home without thinking about him. He was everything. I changed my duvet over from summer to my winter one over the weekend. I've obviously forgotten to clean it before storing it away. There's a massive coffee stain on it. One my husband did. I burst out crying when I saw it. It was one of those "be careful you don't spill that" just before he spills the whole mug! He just said I jinxed it... That it wouldn't of happened if I didn't say.... Probably true really. Its always the way ain't it. I'm now chucking every bath towel at him calling him a tit. He's just laughing. You just couldn't not laugh when he laughed. It was contagious. It went right thru to the mattress... But I had the last laugh cos it was on his side. That evening, im now teasing him saying how I was sooooooooo comfy on my dry side...he's just trying to grab me and put me on the damp area and steal my side. So, basically.... I'm was bawling my eyes out staring at the stain on my duvet this Saturday and the kids are thinking it's because there's a stain. I'm probably never gonna wash my duvet ever again. Don't wanna wash the memory away. I really can't imagine how I'm gonna get thru life without him. He was my everything. I don't feel like the same person anymore. Like half of me has gone with him. It's draining trying to stay strong for all our children. I just want to curl up and cry all day and night. I walk around and see how life carries on. Jealous of this happiness I see. To know I'll never have that again. I live some way away from my family. Have done since I was 16.my life is where I live. I've great friends but I feel that my misery is... Well ... Miserable to be around. I've always been bouncy and bubbly. I've said before that frowning causes wrinkles so I prefer to smile to retain my youth. With any difficulties we've faced, I've always saw the positive in the negative and got thru it. I had everything I needed. I had my happy family. Everything else was materialistic really. Now, it's shattered into a million pieces. I've got to be strong for it kids. I know this. I know I've gotta make them not feel they've lost us both.... But I do not know how to do this. I feel like I'm just lying to them by smiling. It feels wrong. We all cuddle loads. That's the way our house always has been. The big kids are all really cuddling the baby now more. They recognise that with them being so young, it's just gonna be harder for them down the line, not knowing of daddy. It's just a crying Shame. I've spoken to the gp and I'm on antidepressants now. Can't see how that's gonna sort anything but I'll try them. They've advised cruse and Samartians as a "call up now for help" in the interim, till we get to the top of the waiting list. I've read a few forums and watched you tube stories of similar cases for some solice. Any help/advice though, I would be very grateful. I need it. Badly. Thanks to all that have took the time to reply btw.

I know the pain of bereavement,OP, but I can’t start to imagine the depth of your pain and loss. I can only hope you find some comfort in your children and in knowing how happy you must have made him.

I think the worst is to feel guilt and regret for not having loved someone enough, when it’s too late. Thank god you should never suffer that. I’m glad you had those 20 happy loving years.

You are a loving person, so I believe and hope you may find love and happiness again.

Can't offer much more than a big hug xxx Hang in there, things will get better xxx

Sorry to hear about your loss. There is an organisation called Widowed and Young which is for people who lost their other halves under the age of 50. It is a fabulous charity where you can chat and get together with other bereaved people in the same position and discuss all sorts of issues including intimacy and it also has sub groups for children and teens.

How wonderful that you experienced such a great love.
It must be devastating to have lost him so young.
My mother was widowed in her 30s with 3 young children.
I wish you strength.

Wanting to send my love and sympathy to you OP. Your pain is palpable.

You were lucky though....to experience a love like that. Not everyone gets to feel that. Take comfort in that. What you had was something very special and rare and although you're hurting and he passed way too young, his was a life worth living, full of love and happiness, thanks to what you shared. Xx

How does anyone move forward from this in life generally? All I know is being with him. To now not have the teamwork in the home is just killing me. My disability doesn't help. I'm doing it but only for taking 37 tablets a day and they are just holding off about 60%of the pain at bay. My health is going down hill rapidly and I just doing know what to do. I've reduced my work hours by 10 to try and manage a bit better with time management as such. I've acquired home adjustments now to help me physically. I've ordered a lighter pram to be able to push my youngest around now. I've got a cleaner now with the PIP entitlement award I never knew I could get... I've had my condition 9 years now. Never even knew about PIP. I just look at my life being very bleak. I'm a disabled widow to 3 amazing children in my 40's. Who's health really declined more so after our unexpected miracle baby. I'm trying to stay working for my mental health tbh. I also feel as though I have to be an example to our kids. I've always worked... Since I was 14. My smiles and laughs are so fake at work. All I want to do i cry. I'm just surrounded by everyone's life moving forward. How they are happy. Seeing elderly couples holding hands. Something I'm just not gonna have anymore but used to talk about with my dh. He used to say his he was gonna do my potential wheelchair up all blingy and naff. Put spinning alloys on it lol. Note.... (my condition could very well put me in a wheelchair later in life) how he was gonna put a truck horn on it.
I've Seacombe to realising that if I become happy with anything, it'll be taken away or ruined in some way. So, I'm to not have happiness in my life. I'm to plod on in life heartbroken, alone, unloved and sad. That way I can't be hurt anymore than I am now. I'm scared to lose happiness again. I couldn't have anymore hurt on top of this. It's almost broke me to the point of quiting, but my kids keep me going. They can't lose us both. All our future plans have gone up in flames. To lie in bed and not be held by my soulmate is just the worst. Saying goodnight before the lights get turned out. Simple things in life we all take for granted. I stand in clothes stores and look at the mens section from afar now. Not needing to browse in it anymore. It'll be my 1st Christmas without him. I'm dreading it. He always would buy us all matching pjs to open on Christmas eve for a family photo. Traditions that have always been the way... Are no more.

I've sort out help via my gp's now and have seen a mental health professional. We'll see how that goes I suppose. She putting me in contact with other organisations, can't remember the names of them now mind.

Thank you all btw. In some ways I'm using this as a platform to off load my thoughts and feelings.

His family unfortunately, with their grief have cut us all out the family now. I know they've not liked me much from the start. I've known why (but don't wanna say if that's okay) . It's never bothered me as such because my dh was the black sheep of his family anyways. This in turn created less contact with them. We just lived our lives and saw them whenever. We just didn't necessarily need them for help I suppose. They never reached out much but when we did see them it was polite. Now, our kids don't have that family also. They've lost not only their dad but a nan, grandad, aunties, uncles etc. I can't get my head around it. It feels like they only had a relationship with us because of my dh. Now he's not here, they've gone to. How can they honestly do that. The kids are devastated and effectively trying to just accept that it's just the way it is. Why are people just cruel in life? Our 2 year old is now never gonna know any of his family at all. It's ludicrous. My dh would be so hurt by this if he knew. Fair do's.... Cut me out... But the kids?!?! They are tied in by blood.
The aunt did however say she was "gonna bring something small round for them this Christmas... But it won't be much" and "will do for Easter and birthdays".
I think they'd prefer their aunt in their life but I've gotta let this play out how it's gonna. I don't like confrontation. Hate arguments. And pretty much anything in that kinda tone. My dh and I liked the quiet life, so we didn't fit it much with them in that way really. If anyone has any ideas on how to tackle this WITHOUT an argument, please please say. My head is so messed up atm, I can't see the wood through the trees. 😔😔

Is leave his family be
it’s a deep pit of pain you don’t need
they sound vile and in time some will come around and some you will be glad you got rid of

reading the above it sounds like your physical and mental health is the priority

it’s so painful but every day do one of the tasks , it will make you feel empowered

you maybe also be entitled to dla

but throw yourself on the GP and health professionals as you need their help and deserve it

xxxx

I can imagine how hard it must feel to keep
going and have hope

it so easy to say shit

and im glad you find the thread a place to vent xxx