I am so utterly unhappy

[PleaseKeepMeAnon]

I’m at a real loss. I feel very low and very alone.

I don’t really know where to start.

I have two children. They are 8 and 4. They keep me going, keep me getting out of bed in the morning. I have a husband, he’s a decent sort but we aren’t in a great place right now. I have a very big and stressful job which I love (but I have a tendency to obsess over it too).

in the last year or so I have struggled a lot with my own family. I moved across the country with my husband before we had our children so they aren’t nearby but we are “close”. In touch a lot. I think I struggle with things that happened in my childhood that I didn’t really think much of at the time, but having my kids seems to have brought a lot of stuff screaming to the surface. The shouting, the occasional, low level violence, the shame and put downs. I have no self confidence. My self esteem is down through the floor. I am incredibly hard on myself to the point I tear myself into pieces over everything. The way I parent. The way I work. I find I have massive anxiety around the whole issue. I hate going to stay there and I’m on edge the whole time.

but there was love and kindness too. they made huge sacrifices for my sister and I. They were supportive and kind. And so when I have these thoughts I have crippling guilt too.

it’s like they just blew things out of all proportion. They treated me like I was a dreadful teenager away off the rails. My mum still talks as if I was a nightmare teenager and I look back now and I can see that it wasn’t that bad. I’m not going to say that I was an angel, that I didn’t have my moments, but really it wasn’t that bad. No sex. No drinking or drugs. No crime. No police. I just wasn’t particularly interested in school and my mum couldn’t bear it (still got 5As and a law degree though).

They love my children but they don’t ever come to visit. The onus is all on me because “well you moved away”. Then when a few weeks passes I get the guilt trip. On the very rare occasions that they do babysit it’s always a big deal and the kids are still running the floor when we get back but we wouldn’t say anything because they’re doing us such a favour.

And I get so angry and then my mum disarms me with “I got you a new top, I just thought you’d like it” and she can be so kind. But she can be a total monster too. But she’ll just deny all the bad stuff happened.

I can’t talk to my husband. His family are so perfect and functional. I hate that he would judge my family. I’ve told him bits and pieces but not how much it’s tearing me up inside.

i could just go on and on and on. I’m sorry. I feel so hugely
disloyal but I feel like just disappearing. And I would if I didn’t have my children.

The perfectionism…tearing yourself into pieces thinking you
may have made a mistake. Working all hours to make sure nothing is missed. work-related anxiety keeping me awake all hours. God it’s all connected isn’t it?

I am so glad I posted this now.

i feel like I can’t justify spending money on myself. We aren’t broke (we aren’t loaded either) but it’s funny, I rarely buy myself new clothes or anything, I am always at the bottom of the pile because I suppose I feel like I don’t really matter.

even now if I’m speaking to my mum on the phone if I give an opinion about something and she disagrees it makes me feel like an awkward, bumbling idiot. I’m right back there.

Their relationship was crap too. Always shouting at each other. Walking on eggshells if they’d had an argument. They have mellowed a lot now but I still feel that tense way when I’m in the house.

i am aware this is a big rant of self-pity but I feel like I’m having a few epiphanies here lol.

i mean I don’t feel abused. Like I don’t think I was an “abused child”, that would be a massive disservice to others who suffer far worse than I did. But aspects were certainly less than ideal.

thank you. From the very bottom of my heart - for taking the time to read and respond to me. I can’t tell you how validated I feel tonight.

@Moveonward I've talked about this with my psychiatrists a lot. I think, particularly as women, we are bought up with the idea that all parents want to be parents, enjoy being parents (at least half the time) and ultimately, even if they don't 'like' their children, they do love them...but that's not necessarily so. My parents just were incapable of putting us first... myself and my brothers were not their number one priority. They were bad parents. It's taken me lots of therapy to be comfortable with that idea.

We can point at people who are physically cruel to their children, beat and starve them, and without any doubt in our mind say 'those are bad parents'...when the abuse is emotional and psychological, it's harder to do...there is always a part of your brain saying 'but....'but they didn't beat me, starve me, etc' Emotional neglect is still neglect. It is damaging.

@tara66 The past is a foreign country.

I think the perfectionism is bourne out of having to constantly walk on eggshells and jump through hoops to keep the peace… only the hoops are invisible and their locations change on a daily basis so you have to not put a foot wrong…ever.

my parents relationship was awful growing up too and our whole family dynamic was dominated by whether they were arguing or not.

If you want any significant change in your outlook or mood, I would urge you to take the money for yourself and get a good therapist. Emotional neglect is so difficult to unpick- we were told all the time how lucky we were and how spoilt we were by my parents and it’s meant i have felt horribly selfish using our money to get therapy… but honestly it was the best money I’ve ever spent and you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin and lead a happy and fulfilled life

You can afford therapy. You just don't know how to value yourself. Value yourself and find the money.

Talk to your DH too. You've put him on a pedestal like he can't possibly understand your experience because his family is "perfect". A) no family is perfect and b) he may or may not understand but you're not even giving him the chance. You're driving a huge wedge between the two of you purely because you don't feel "worthy". Do you love him? Would you want to know if you were him? Why would he feel any differently, then?

Hi OP.

You'd definitely benefit from counselling. If you can't afford to pay, then you have 3 options:

1. ask the GP (which will involve a wait)
2. if you have an employ assistance programme at work that will probably include counselling services
3. if you have private health insurance with work then that will likely cover CBT sessions.

That said I agree with a PP in that you deserve to spend money on you and this is as important as it gets. This type of feeling is unlikely to abate and you will function so much better and happily if you have some decent counselling - and work hard at it.

I've had at least 3 lots of counselling/therapy over the years and it makes a huge difference; the outside perspective, the coping strategies, the safe place in which to rant and cry, and the sheer surprise of what comes out of your own mouth when you finally have the safe non judgement space to say what's really going on in your head. And a person to help you make sense of it all.

The best therapist I ever had was for 6 weeks during my divorce . She gave me a task at the end of every session and I did all of them (even the ridiculously hard, scary and challenging ones.). It was transformational and forced the solid string foundation for the rest of my life.

Please know that you are worth the time and effort. You sound lovely, loving and family focussed. Your kids and DH will benefit from this too, and the bottom line deserve it.

Good luck.

Thank you.

i will start looking into it. I think it would really help.