Boyfriend keeps me a secret

[Sheree2000]

I dunno how to feel…I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we’re 22, I’ve always wanted a relationship where I’m close with my partners family etc but my boyfriends Muslim so his mum is strict on what girls he dates she’d like them to be covered up etc preferably Muslim his nans even said to him she’d like him to find a nice Pakistani girl and I don’t fit this category at all as I’m half Jamaican and half English, have tattoos and wear revealing clothes not anything too explicit but low cut tops, tight clothes etc which his mum wouldn’t like so there’s a bit of a cultural clash I’d never wear these things around his mum or anybodys mums in previous relationships I’ve always dressed appropriately when being around my partners family. My boyfriends been hiding me from his mum the whole time we’ve been together she knows he’s in a relationship with me and he tells her when we go out together etc and she can see he’s in love with me but I’ve never met her yet and he always try’s to avoid me meeting her for example once my car broke down outside his house and his mum was going to come to the car to check I was okay but he told her no or stuff like how weve planned to go to Thorpe park later this month and my boyfriend said his cousins are gonna go and he hopes they don’t go on the same day as us otherwise he’s gonna have to try and avoid them and make sure we don’t bump into them purely because he dosent want them to meet me. I get there’s a cultural difference and that he can’t just bring any girl home like other guys etc but it’s starting to bother me a bit as I feel like I’m a dirty secret being hidden all the time. I bought it up to him today and he got annoyed at me and said I wouldn’t understand because his culture it’s hard for me to talk to him about stuff that’s upsetting me in our relationship as he instantly reacts by getting angry and avoiding the conversation. He’s already met my mum as he comes round mine and although it would be nice to meet his I’m not too bothered about it it’s more the fact that he’s hiding me and being so secretive about it that isn’t nice for me. No horrible comments please but could I get people opinions on the situation please.

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You're 22. Dump him. It's not going to get better

You are so young and you have your life ahead of you. Don't tell yourself down to this man. He isn't proud of you. He will try to control you eventually. There are far nicer men for you. I imagine he love bombed you at the beginning but as in all those cases, eventually the mask slips.

You have a whole life ahead of you OP, go out and meet people who are proud to have you next to them in bright daylight. People that you deserve and deserve you. Have fun and enjoy life freely. You deserve to be respected. Why would you want to be with someone who worries who will see you together? What kind of future would this be and if you did have a family with this person; would you teach your children that this is ok?

I think you should be with someone who is proud to have you on their arm and show you off to the world. You deserve better x

You're only 22, you're so young. You have all the time in the world to find someone who isn't ashamed of you. This isn't love, if he loved you he wouldn't be hiding you. His mum even clearly wants to meet you and he's blocking it. Throw this one back, he's no good.

Am sorry but you need to dump him. You are not his dirty little secret nor should settle for being such.

There is no future for you and he in this relationship.

He does not respect you walk away from this

This is going nowhere.

I'm a non Muslim married to a Muslim. If his mum won't accept you then it's over before it's started.

You must be able to see that this relationship has literally no future? He will be miserable with you if he has to cut off his entire family for you. And you will be miserable if he continues to keep contact with a family who think you’re not good enough and treat you like a second class citizen. He’s keeping uou away because he knows they’re going to say or do something horrible to upset you, just for not being a Muslim, and he’ll be ashamed of you in front of them. You’ll be put through absolute hell if you ever have children with this man. His family will want access to your children but will want nothing to do with you.

It doesn't sound like there's a future for the two of you, does it?
And finding a person that's right for you to settle down with is a matter to take seriously if you're a woman and there's any question you might want children of your own.
I'm not saying flap around going OMG I'm 22 I will be ON THE SHELF SOON or anything ridiculous like that, but I will say, why waste your time with this lad? You do only get the one life.

OP you are wasting your time. This relationship will not move forward. He will do the "right thing" when the time comes, with a nice muslim pakistani girl, carefully chosen by mum and gran. Have fun by all means but with a clear conscience that you are filling the role of "the good enough for now girl". Have you watched the Crown, when Diana meets Khan´s mom in Pakistan? That´s it in a nutshell. They will never accept you. Please get out and with time you will meet someone who is over the moon to have a girl like you as his team mate.

Don't put up with being someone's shameful secret. It will lead to a lifetime of you accepting being second best in all your relationships.

You feel like his dirty secret because you are his dirty secret. What more is there to understand?

You’re his “dirty little secret”, he’s having some fun along the way till Miss right comes along dressed in a nice hiyab. Do you really want to be part of this messed up game that is going to mess your head? Evidence is you’ve already opened a few threads. Dump this looser that is messing with your head, I think you’re worth so much more.

There is no respect here. One day he will dump you and marry a muslim girl. You are being used

Sweetheart I'm half Pakistani/ white I never got accepted even though I was brought up Muslim. My husband did defy his family for me but by the time they tolerated me we broke up for other reasons, ( I had to work really hard at it, plus his family were a bit more integrated and modern thinking compared to loads I know). When we would visit Pakistan the cousin's who could have married my ex at the time would literally fawn after him and in-laws would plot and hope he would leave me for one of their own. If I'm brutally honest there will be more prejudice to a Jamaican girl too. Boys with parents from certain parts of Pakistan will already have a intended lined up for them. You may even find yourself in the double life scenario, (this is so common, the British wife/ partner and the imported wife).

This will go on for years before he will pluck up the courage to make a stand if he ever does. It's a gamble. I'm 42 and still scared of my dad. I can't put into words the fear, control and hold my Pakistani family had over me. It's a different world. I still to this day live a double life where my dad is concerned.

When they do go against their fold they never really flee the nest, especially the boys. You will be with the whole family.

You sound amazing! What are you doing with someone who doesn't want to show the whole world he's lucky enough to be with you?

Dump him and found someone who is proud to call you his girlfriend.

Dump him

I had several relationships like this when I was in my early 20s. The difference was that I was happy with them being "just for now" relationships, so I wasn't too bothered about not being allowed to meet families. A couple of my boyfriends even said their parents had a future spouse in mind already!

When I got older I dated guys from similiar culture backgrounds and life is SO much easier when the families are on the same page as you.

If you are looking for a relationship where you can be part of the family, then you are dating the wrong guy. Cultural background does matter I'm afraid.

I also had a boyfriend who wouldn't introduce me to his family, for 4 years, though this was to do with him not getting his divorce sorted out. It was very hurtful, feeling I wasn't good enough to meet his sisters and mum. When his mum died suddenly I told him to go home and not bother me about it as it wasn't anything to do with me.
Anyway, happy ending to the story is I met my now DH who introduced me to his family the first time I went to stay with him (different country).

Coming from a man, he is going to marry that nice girl his mum is going to find him. You are being used for sex and entertainment. Move on. 22 is too young to be worried about these things.