Reasons to go?

[AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit]

I've been going back and forth about whether my relationship with my partner is over. I'm finding it really hard to come to a conclusion and scared of regretting my decision.

I feel like my reasons to stay aren't actually that compelling:

• I know him
• He's at heart a decent person and I don't want to hurt him
• If I go he'd have to sort out paying his own bills etc., he'd really struggle with this
• He happily has DS while I go off and do stuff so I do have some flexibility. Selfish of me I know.
• I'm nearly 40. Is it madness to start again at this stage if I don't have to? I would walk away with literally nothing, I have no meaningful savings and the house is in his name.
• The reasons I'm unhappy boil down to being unable to communicate and living separate lives, leaving won't mean I get this. I'd be on my own (with family nearby).
• It makes me feel guilty. He's not awful.
• I could always change my mind at some point if I make the wrong choice but can't undo leaving.

But my reasons to go:

• I'm lonely, but I do like being on my own. It's being in the house with someone I feel disconnected from that is driving this I think.
• I often feel sad when he comes home
• We can't communicate. I've tried to fix this, but he just can't seem to meet me in the middle. It's put up and shut up or leave with this one.
• It's not a partnership. Everything is separate - finances, how we spend our leisure time. Everything. We never spend time as a family with DS. I list everything I buy for DS and bill him at the end of the month, we're at that level.
• I left and came back 18 months ago only because he said he'd try counselling. He's since refused to go and now I'm quite resentful I'm back at the beginning of this painful process.
• I carry the entire mental load and do the vast majority of the housework. His answer if I try and discuss this is to just leave it/tell him what he needs to do/he fixes things that break (sometimes). Silly little things even, like please don't leave food all over the sides when you make toast so I have to clean it up to make breakfast for DS. I explain why a little thing matters but he doesn't seem to get it.

I'm sure from his point of view I'm no saint. I get grumpy with him and I don't discuss things because I don't want to have the big falling out. I've checked out quite a lot so am probably not a great partner right now either. But I can't fix it on my own and I'm tired of trying to reach him. I dream of going and staying with my parents for a few months then getting a little place for me and DS, but the path there is going to be so shit and painful I'm not sure I can do it.

I guess what I'm asking is for a bit of support, maybe validation. Or if any of you have a magic solution to make everything better!

If you can financially manage it, I would go but I would look at it as being on my own with DS, enjoying the freedom, enjoying friends and hobbies and work. I would not look at it as finding 'mr right' and living happily ever after. That would be a bonus but the first is the reality

I don't know that I could face finding someone else now anyway!

I also keep thinking that if my partner felt like that about me I'd wouldn't want them to stay and pretend.

Whatever happens in life you only ever get one....
You are not happy.. you are not living your life freely... unable to express yourself... dancing round someone elses moods.
You are already leading pretty much separate lives already. It sounds as if you have both checked out
If you part company you will start again with a clean slate, to build a life of your choosing for yourself and your son. Whether you meet someone else is a matter for the future....

Your reasons to go are far more compelling than any you’ve put up to stay. You’re not responsible for this adult either so stop with trying to rescue and or fix the unfixable. It’s over.

Teach your child going forward better lessons about relationships rather than what he’s been seeing to date. He absolutely does not need you to model such a poor relationship to him. Which brings me to you - what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your parent’s relationship similar?.

He does not care about the relationship and all you’ve done here is further carry and or enable him.

Do you think he feels guilt - no he does not. Decent men do not treat their partner or spouse like you have been and you’ve been convenient to him.

And he hasn’t cared enough not to hurt you emotionally either. Don’t keep showing your son that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

I was where you were at this time last year. It’s a miserable and lonely place to be. I went back and forth for a long time. I had individual counselling to process everything. That really helped. In the end, I did call it a day. He wasn’t surprised.
A year on, I’ve just had a friend tell me I seem really different (in a good way). It hasn’t always been easy! Especially financially. But now I’ve got a new job (promotion, better hours), I’ve lost weight, I’m fitter. I’m far more confident. My anxiety has improved as well. Strange. I always thought he supported me but actually he made me worse.
Now even though the mental load is all on me, it’s so much less! STBXH is miserable and he dragged me down. He told me he’d met someone else recently, I had guessed anyway..my first thought was Oh good, he’s got someone else to moan to now!
I wasn’t ready to start dating again for a long time..I was happy to just be on my own, getting myself again. I’ve just met someone who I think might go somewhere, that’s 9 months after separating. There’s no rush.

As PP have said, your list of reasons to leave is significant.
You left before and he promised counselling. He now refuses. That would be the final act that would make me separate. You don’t say how long you were away etc but he’s obviously needing you to adult for him and that’s grim as fuck.
Good luck!

You’ve gone once before, you can do it again.
You gave him a chance, but he didn’t take it. End it. Be free.
Have the vision in your mind of how life will be, and move towards it.

You have only one life. Don't look back in twenty years and regret that you wasted it.

Oh I wanted to add as well that I kind of concluded it was easier for me to start over in my early 40s after 15 years together than it was in my early 50s after 25 years together. Now I’ve started socialising and dating again, I am finding a lot of people in a similar position.