Infidelity with escorts

[lonesometonight1]

Could you ever turn a blind eye?

My husband has been seeing escorts, we haven’t been intimate for years and I haven’t wanted sex with him for a long time because of the menopause and lack of emotional connection. After many years of not understanding his lack of emotional understanding I now believe he may have Asperger’s syndrom. I’ve only recently learnt about it and the traits describe my husband to a tee. Although he is somewhat high functioning he does a lot of masking and around me is almost silent unless talking about day to day practicalities. Sex with him was very robotic. Life is ok otherwise, we have a nice life with adult children one of whom still lives at home. I don’t want to sell my home or disrupt my own or anyone else’s life.

I can only expect this or an affair if don’t want to have sex with him right?

I suppose if you don't want sex with him but he still has urges then, if neither of you wants to leave, I think I could accept that. Mind you, everyones different.

I think everyone is a bit different on what is a sensitive subject.

If you are generally happy but don't want sex with him and he still has urges then maybe you can live with the situation.

Me - I wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner seeking intimacy elsewhere but I also wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship where our respective needs were so different.

We can all offer advice but I think you have to decide what you feel happy with

Difficult to condone the use of escorts. At the same time you not wanting sex is quite a big deal for men (and women) - to me you are incompatible but if you really want to stay with him for the financial security etc then I'm afraid you'll have to accept escorts. At least it's not an affair where he could fall in love with someone else. Good luck

If he wants a physical relationship and you don’t you either accept it or divorce.

I am afraid you have to accept it . Physical needs are important in married life , So if you dont want to fulfil it then he has no choice.

Thank you for the replies. I agree @freesoul12 but aren’t emotionally needs and connection also important? This is something he refuses and is incapable of giving, yet I’m not seeking an emotional affair or looking elsewhere for that. I would probably still have a sex drive if I felt emotionally close to him.

I think you have been so unhappy and dissatisfied for so long that you're almost numb to how miserable you are. Your marriage should have ended years ago.

If staying in your home and maintaining the status quo are more important that living an authentic life, then accept your husband's cheating and turn a blind eye. The choice is yours.

After finding out he's been paying for women's bodies, how are you not disgusted with his behaviour? How long has this been going on? Do you need to get checked for STDs?

You're talking about 'emotional needs' as though there's any hope of that after his betrayal. He's completely disrespected you and you seem to think it's inevitable. He had a choice throughout this and could have left or spoken to you about an open relationship but he chose to cheat.

You sound disengaged from the marriage.

He does have a choice. There is no right to sex and if he needs physical release I assume his hand is working ok? You also have a choice. I know what my choice would be in your situation.

Men will not die without sex.

He's choosing to buy women because he wants to and he sees women as something he 'deserves'.

I couldn't stay with a man like that.

Up to you though.

@lonesometonight1 did he ask you first before he started sleeping with escorts?

I don’t think your happy if the truth be known as you have admitted you may feel sexy if you had some emotional connection and like you say you haven’t had an affair.

I would feel very grossed out @lonesometonight1 .

Perhaps the lack of emotional connection arose because he was using prostitutes much earlier than you realise.

When a man engages in prostitute sex he runs the risk of treating his partner like a piece of meat if they still have sex. The connection in his brain between love and sex is severed and replaced by the functional, tick-box, dirty kind of sex.

Women will notice changes in his sexual behaviour. Perhaps a preference for positions where he cannot see his wife's face. Perhaps he will start issuing 'instructions' for the act. It will not feel like making love. The wife might start to feel like he is using her as a sex doll. He might develop a glazed look in his eyes.

When a man becomes addicted to prostitute sex it becomes difficult for him to revert to showing love for his partner through sex.

And, of course, it is often the case that when a women does not feel loved, she will not want to engage in that robotic kind of sex.

No man in a committed relationship should ever use a prostitute without speaking to his partner about it first. Once that line is crossed in deceit, there is no going back for the relationship, for the wife, and for the man himself.

This from a man’s perspective is spot on

Plenty of women turn a blind eye, and have through history. Often because of a lack of alternatives. Happily divorce is now possible and no longer stigmatised so you have a genuine choice. You can stay or not.

For me, paying for sex workers would be unacceptable while an affair, even with emotional attachment as well, would be something I could understand and accept.
It would be a two way door though, I wouldn't be staying celibate.

So, your choice really

It’s your choice. And it’s not easy.
It does seem that he isn’t capable to give you the emotional closeness and connection you need. (Asperger’s, or whatever reason he isn’t built to be able to feel and empathise)
So there is no solution to your needs being met. And - you will be perfectly justified in seeking it elsewhere.

And on his side - he is seeking to fulfil his physical needs elsewhere. I think an actual affair is unlikely as most women need same emotional component you are missing. So escorts is his only answer.

In your place - I’d not rock the boat, not yet anyways. But I would look around and see if there is someone else who can give you what you need, as we all deserve happiness.
You can, of course, divorce and date. But that is a much more drastic life change and you will lose your fallback.

I’m not trying to be mean but yes us men need sex and if he’s not happy with you like you guys fight or if you nag n pick with him you can guarantee it’s going to happen

Why resurrect a post from over a year ago just to say that if you don't get sex you'd cheat on your wife? How bizarre.

Sex is one of the ways for men to connect with their spouses so I don't find it hard to believe that he has checked out emotionally as well.

I find this situation to be incredibly sad. Do not settle for "ok" as this is your life, and we get only one.

ETA: Gonna look at the date the thread was published next time, my bad! Thx previous comment for pointing this out!