Considering my future

[Blueeyes83]

Hi Everyone, for a while now I’ve been thinking about my future. Im not married to my OH, been together 11 years and Im just not sure I want to be in the relationship anymore never mind get married. We have 2 children, 7 and 4.
My worry is what happens if he ever asks me to marry him, he would be devastated if I said I was leaving and I know he wants to get married.
Then there’s the stress of splitting up the family, how would I cope and how would the kids be.
anyone else been in a similar situation?

Well, tough as it sounds, you need to start plans to leave. If he asks in that time it just speeds up the process.

You only get to start the new life for all of you if you end this one. The first year is the hardest but always try to put the children first to help them adjust. We are four years in and everyone is happy and settled. We co parent 50/50 and socialise occasionally with our new partners to make the kids more comfortable.

If you want to leave the relationship then start taking steps to do so.

It's normal for people to feel sad initially when something ends, that's not a reason to stay.

Why do you want to leave? I think that's more relevant here than whether he one day hypothetically proposes and gets turned down.

It always seems so daunting at the thought of splitting up, especially in todays financial climate.
I suppose I don’t feel we are compatible, I’m fairly laid back, he’s a crank. He shouts if I leave a light on for longer than 2 minutes and then if I leave the utility room door open he has a meltdown. If he asks me to help build something (furnIture) I get told off and can’t do anything right. He’s constantly going on about finances and made me go to work from 4 to 4.5 days even though we could manage financially on less, our life is now very stressful trying to juggle everything.
I find myself trying to go to bed early to avoid intimacy, and when we are in bed hes always grabbing me which quite frankly does my head in and I’m almost at the point of saying please get off me.
I look and think I could be happier but then are all relationships like this after so long. Sorry for rambling on!!

Good grief, I certainly wouldn't consider it normal to treat someone you love that way.

Have you looked at a budget if you end the relationship? Not just worrying about it in your head, but actually putting the numbers down, checking costs, checking UC entitlement, and working it all through?

It doesn't commit you to acting on it, but it might help you get some of this picture a little clearer. When things feel overwhelming it's usually best to break them down into smaller steps instead of trying to take it all on at once.

I haven’t looked at anything yet finance wise but you’re right, it’s a good place to start. We’re not married so I assume everything would still be split 50/50?

We’re not married so I assume everything would still be split 50/50?

Not at all….

Definitely not 50/50, check who's name the house is in, because they get to keep the house!

It’s in joint names

The way he treats you is not normal or healthy. He sounds awful. No wonder you want out.

Your rights as a co-habiting couple depend on which country you live in. Currently, in England, co-habitation does not give any rights whereas there is a right to maintenance if married. But some jurisdictions give rights to co-habiting couples. You’re working anyway so this is much less of an issue than if you were an SAHP.

As regards the house, if it’s in both your names, it’s likely 50/50 unless you agreed something different based on financial contributions but you should take legal advice to be sure.

It’s not ok is it… I’ve been trying to think to myself is he really that bad but I know I need to stand up for myself more. If I ever say anything or try to defend myself he has a habit of shouting me down so I can never be heard or I just think I’ll shit up now.
I think he’s possibly got ocd over certain things, and he is short tempered with the kids too

This was me 6 years ago.
You will be ok if you finish it with him. You can get a free consultation with a solicitor regarding the house. Would you be able to afford to stay there without him?
Living with someone like that is horrible, I stayed for 9 years too long and I'm sorry I didn't leave sooner. People like him don't change IMO, they just pretend to be nice for a while and then revert back to being grumpy.
Do you think he would be reasonable and that you would be safe if you ended it? He sounds short tempered.
Life is way too short to be living a life where you're walking on eggshells. I used to get screamed at, blamed for everything etc. My children were suffering in that atmosphere too.
I wish you all the best, you can do it! You'll be so much happier once the dust settles without him dragging you down!

Thanks for your message.
im not sure I could to be honest, it would be a stretch by myself.
did your partner see it coming when you ended things or did it come as a surprise.
I’m so chilled out, but he’s just the opposite. I’ve been told out countless times for leaving the under stairs cupboard not properly shut, and today he slammed it shut it with his hand with the words I’ll take it off it’s hinges next. Just no need for it!!