How do I recover from a bad "relationship ?

[starsbrightshinning]

It ended over 2 years ago.
Well if you can even call it that.
It was my first relationship with a woman and I'm so damaged by it.
It started off so well but she then started treating me awful ,speaking to me awful,texting other woman,making me jealous,twisting things to make herself the "innocent" one
She gaslighted me,mentally abused me.
I ended up on anti depressants
She told me at the beginning she "was a dickhead" and made women "nuts" so she knew what she was.
Anyway now that person seems to have vanished,she is married after dating 11 months.
It's like where's the abusive mentally draining woman gone?
She's 43 so not like she was young and foolish
I wasn't the first she's hurt
How did she just change like that?
She said she knew she would end up alone if she didn't change as she was "getting older "
How do I stop feeling so shit.

I'm 32 so probably should know better also

Sounds tough op, on a practical level talking about it - even to yourself in the mirror! Writing down everything that comes onto your head
Google Sleep hypnosis for letting go of past relationships by Michael Sealey on youtube
This really made a big difference me, the more you listen the more effective it is. Hope you're OK.

Thankyou I will take a look
I think the worst part for me is wondering why I wasn't good enough ...why this woman is and I wasn't

Anyone ?

It’s a pretence at the moment her mask will slip - it’s not you x

You need to stop focussing on her.

Why is her opinion of you so important to you?

It's not that her opinion is important
It's the fact of how I felt and how she played with me and hurt me and now is this new nice person and all her bad qualities seem to have disappeared

She won't have changed

That's not a fact. Your relationship with her was great to start with. You covered over/were in denial about how she was controlling and horrible to be in a relationship with. Your relationship will have looked the same to the person she messed up before you. She will have wondered 'What does starsbrightshinning have that I don't? Why is she so wonderful to starsbightshinnig when she messed me up so badly?'

There's a bigger picture here than you. The only thing that's happened is that she's left you behind and is now screwing someone even more vulnerable up, even worse than she screwed you up.

All the excuses you made for her in your relationship were to do with your own failings and inadequacies. 'Is she really treating me badly, or am I just seeing it wrongly?', 'Is she lying or am I just unable to see the truth?' All that self talk is critical, and you're exhibiting the same pattern now.

Let yourself off the hook. You didn't make her like she was, the other person isn't making her something different. She treats people badly. That's it. That's who she is.

She told me at the beginning she "was a dickhead" and made women "nuts" so she knew what she was.

But you also knew and still chose to go there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe she has changed. Maybe she fell in love. Maybe she had a wake up call. Maybe she wanted to do things differently this time. Maybe she is going to crash and burn. Maybes is playing a different game. Maybe she believes it's different this time. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't...

I think your thoughts around this are more because you thought you could change her. You didn't but you now feel she's met someone else and has changed for her.

Whatever the truth, its about her and not about you.

Don’t focus on her.

focus on you and your boundaries and counselling for you

I am in a better place to judge now

my friendships used to end up abusive - now I see the signs and then tighten

eg friend wants lots of ‘favours’ but not returning thfm
I stop

phone friends and listen to them moan fine we all have bad days but if it isn’t adding value time and time I stop phoning

I am autistic and due to an abusive upbringing I am full of empathy this makes me a people pleaser and believer so I step back every now and again and evaluate

narcs are incapable of keeping it up - so she will cause problems for her new partner

Maybe I did think she would change for me
I thought she started then went back to her old ways
Maybe I still miss her
And what maybe what we could of had