My “DP” of 5 years and father to our DD was always the good guy. I suppose I could say I settled for mr nice guy but I wanted and craved stability in my life after crap relationships and being cheated on and he was like a breath of fresh air. I loved him and felt safe with him and everyone always told me how lucky I was to have such a kind, caring & well rounded man, ha ha jokes on me.
Something made me check his phone, probably the fact he never leaves it out of his sight. He had an escort in his what’s app blocked list, she had her booking info and website in bio and picture I checked the website and she is close to where he works.
This was weeks ago and I haven’t said anything, partly because I’m not ready, emotionally or financially to be a single parent and blow up mine and DD life and partly because I feel it’s my own fault as we haven’t had sex since DD was born and she’s 18 months old. What with breastfeeding, being sleep deprived and everything else that comes with motherhood my sex drive has been at zero plus feeling like we have no connection and some resentments over how little support “DP” was in the early really hard days haven’t helped me feel in the mood either. He hasn’t made an effort to make it happen and has only mentioned it a handful of times, which I felt grateful for actually for not being pressured constantly but now I know why… as he’s paying for it else where.
I checked his phone again and she’s now unblocked so he definitely seeing her regularly.
I’m beyond disgusted by him, even if he puts his hand on my shoulder I flinch and sleeping next him makes me feel physically sick. I’m shocked in myself that I’ve managed to stay quiet as that usually isn’t my personality but we basically live as housemates with zero true connecting or intimacy so it isn’t actually that hard to act normal anymore.
I had really bad sickness in early pregnancy up til 20 weeks so obviously felt too sick to DTD although we still did occasionally and then picked up again once sickness went. But I remember seeing on his phone a location he kept going to near his work for 20-30min at a time on his lunch break (location services) but this was during lockdown and no cafes, restaurants, barbers etc we’re allowed to open, I thought it was odd so remembered to street name and later googled the street and it was nothing but houses. I thought the location could be wrong so didn’t think anything else of it and forgot about it. I’m now 100% sure he was also sleeping with prostitutes then and putting mine and his unborn child’s health a risk with covid and STI’s and we were still having sex at this point! I think he’s probably always used them so now it’s disgustingly just habit and convenience.
Financially I haven’t been the smartest. I left my job to stay at home with DD but since finding out I’ve been applying for work again. We live in his family’s home, it was inherited and no one was living here so we moved in so we could save for a mortgage as house prices are ridiculous where we live. Financially we’ve been very comfortable and he’s a fairly high earner and always made sure I had enough money for myself and DD. So I will need to find a new house for me and DD whilst looking for a new job and hours that pay enough for me to support us both and work around caring for DD! The whole thing is beyond daunting and just s**t really. I feel frozen in fear of the unknown but I can’t stay with him as I feel like he’s just one big lie and could never forgive this, sleep with him again or trust him again. I have no family I could stay with either. If I could wait until early next year I would be in a better situation financially, some more savings behind me and hopefully a secure job again. Am I crazy if I don’t say anything for few months?