OLD. Is this a red flag?

[Okigen]

Hello, once again I'm calling for the wisdom of mumsnetters to save my day!

I (33) met this guy (43) on OLD and we were supposed to meet last week but it didn't happen. I'm now supposed to meet him the coming week, but within the last few days of chatting, he made some comments that I felt a bit uneasy about. He told me that he wants "quality over quantity" (explaining he doesn't have many dates), that his type is the women from my region, and asks if I have kids.

These things are mentioned here and there, not all at once, so I sorta let it go. But now I link things together I feel a bit uneasy. I have never met anyone who is so direct about their expectations. Does this sound like a red flag to you?

I would add that the date didn't happen last week due to unexpected problems at my end.

I'd take that to mean he wants great sex (in his view) without putting in much effort to get to know you or spend time with you. I've no idea what women from this region means. Are the women from there all a homogenous group?

Regardless, you have reservations and you should always trust your gut. Chuck him back in!

All sounds normal to me but if you feel uneasy don’t meet up & unmatch.
Pre meeting it’s not worth any head space.

I'd take that to mean he wants great sex (in his view) without putting in much effort to get to know you or spend time with you.

I don't see how you can get that from the OP at all really.

@Okigen he thinks you are quality.

When he said he wants women from your region, is that because it's local to him? Or does he have certain preconceptions about women in your area? Is it a posh area? You could ask why he wants someone from your region.

I would go with your gut on this, OP. There might be a logical explanation for saying that he likes “women from your area” but it sounds a bit odd. Perhaps there is a fabulous regional accent which he really likes?

@OldFan @Dery sorry for being so cryptic. He said his type is South East Asia - where I originally came from. Said he wants to retire there (perhaps this part is just to please me). Then he told me many years ago he used to love a girl from there, but had to break up because she wanted to get married after just 3 months.

I guess many guys have a type. I've just never met someone who communicated it so directly.

There are certain types of men who want women from SE Asia because they see them as being more 'traditional' - i.e. obedient, meek and subservient. It's misogynistic bullshit.
Not saying that's you at all, or that it's a fair description, but I would be wary of a guy who makes certain assumptions about you because of where you are originally from.

As for the other stuff he said, he wants 'quality over quantity', I mean don't we all. Does that mean he wants things to move really quickly? I dunno, he seems a bit full on but maybe it's miscommunication.

The thing is, if he makes you feel uneasy, you don't owe him a date. If you want to meet him then do, but trust your instincts and if you feel uneasy or he turns out to be a dud, then move on.

There is definitely a trope amongst some men that women from SE Asia are submissive and obedient to men. It's a gross misogynistic stereotype, but it's a common one. I don't know how you could tease out if that's what he means. If it's about physical attraction, then of course everyone has a type or preferences, but I'd be wary of at what point this becomes a fetishization of women of certain ethnicities.

Being direct might be good thing, but he might be testing the water to see if you are on board. If it is making you uneasy, then you are probably right to feel that way.

I think it's important to respect how you feel. Don't you, OP?

So, if he's making you uneasy, why would you want to date him? Is this how you think you'll be happy to look back on your first date with someone? 'I felt uneasy, but I ignored that, and went anyway'?

A red flag is your feeling, not his behaviour. You'll get a feeling when someone does something that's generically abusive, so there are generic 'red flag' lists (like violence, insults, putting you down etc) but they're not conclusive because although we all have some red flags in common, we also all have our own individual red flags. So, a bloke who often brings you chocolate may be very welcome for some of us, but a bloke who continually brings you chocolate when you've told him you're trying to give up chocolate because you eat too much, and have trouble resisting it when it's there, then, that's different, and would give you a feeling that he was disrespecting you.

How other people (i.e. 'we') interpret his actions and words is neither here nor there, and his intentions may be pure, but the essence here is that you're trying to find a way to over-ride your feelings. Don't do this. Your feelings are your signposts, and 'uneasy' is a very clear 'away' arrow. It doesn't matter if he's a weirdo or if he's an amazing man: you don't like how you feel in response to things he's saying.

Thank you all for the wise advices. I will trust my gut instinct and cancel the date. It's difficult to judge a man through the texts but I can't shake the feeling that he's doing a box ticking exercise, in which I just happen to tick all the boxes.

Yeah, it wouldn't feel like this if he was good for you. This is like a workout in 'emotion gym'. You'll be stronger when you've walked away.

I agree about your feeling he is... ticking boxes.

Funnily enough, and i've only met a handful of Chinese women from shanghai so dunno how representative it is but...Good luck to any man who thinks they'll be meek little subservient wives! Haha! They're in for a shock.

Wants to date someone of your ethnicity rather than something about you as a person, that would give me the ick

Wanting quality over quantity I would take as a positive in that he's not interested in lots of dating around.

Asking if you have kids is a perfectly normal question to ask someone you're getting to know. If you were to end up in relationship it would have a massive impact either way. Think it's a bit of a red flag that you think this is weird.

However, saying he prefers ladies from your region is a massive red flag and I'd run a mile

Oh yes, your observations are quite correct. Women in big Asian cities are now very modern. The ones who are meek and subservient can turn out to be a gold digger actually.

I would try to date men closer to your age to start with.

This one sounds like a time waster who could be targeting you simply because you are from as specific background and quite a bit younger than him, which he might thinks will make you easier to ''control''...

Did he cancel on you for the first date? because that is never a good sign either.

I would trust your instincts and not interact with him anymore.

Your red flags are your own. If it makes you uncomfortable then that's enough for you.

FWIW, I agree with others about the misogynistic stereotyping of SE Asian women. Having said that, many people have a physical type.

The quality over quantity comment makes it sound like he's saying he's not interested in dating lots of women and is looking for one to have a relationship with. However, whilst also of men say this (and mean it!) a lot also say it because they think it flatters women who then won't look too closely at their behaviour otherwise. He could be saying that exact thing to 20 women in the same day if he's OLD 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't like it when a guy says he prefers my ethnicity. Big red flag as it feels like they're ticking boxes and want me to feel grateful for being 'selected'. Weird and ick.