Bit lost really

[lemoncheesecakemaker]

Hello, I'm a very long time lurker! I read posts everyday but rarely post but it's my birthday, it's nearly 10pm and I've been sat in bed for nearly an hour feeling a little lost.
I'm late 40s, 5 kids (2 grown, 3 home), full time worker (just for some context). I moved 15 years ago to a city that my husband had connections with. It's a lovely place but it's not home. Not mine anyway. it is my children's home now and for that reason I will have to stay here. That's the first thing that makes me sad. I'm really lonely. I have work friends but that's it. Even after 15 years and even his family connections don't bother with us.
My husband has really tried today to make my birthday special. Lovely gifts, huge bunch of flowers and a takeaway dinner. But. He's sat in his 'man cave' this evening and I'm alone now that the kids have gone to bed. This happens every. single. night. He doesn't even sleep in our room anymore so much so that I now refer to it as my room (which he corrects but he has barely slept in here this year so I've claimed it as my own). Instead he prefers to sleep in a chair.
His man cave is just a tiny box room. But when he isn't doing jobs (he is great with sharing the housework to be fair) he's in the room. I hate that room. I could be eating dinner downstairs and he will walk past me in the kitchen and go to this room, I feel invisible. He talks to me about his job and his interests but barely listens to anything I have to say (I have a very stressful job and it would be nice to share my day sometimes).
He will say things like 'I feel bad, we used to watch films together and we should do that again, but he doesn't act on it'. I haven't said anything about how I feel as I don't want to feel that he is spending time with me because I've said something. I want him to want to and clearly he doesn't.
He tells me he loves me and I think he does. But I'm so unhappy and lonely. I'm scared about what will happen when the younger kids have grown. I will essentially be all alone.
I haven't even thanked him for the gifts and meal today as he's been hidden in his room since just after dinner finished and I haven't seen him since. I've been down with the kids til about 9pm but he wouldn't dream of joining us. When he's in there it reminds me of my older teenage children and it pretty much gives me the 'ick' if I have to go there to speak to him so that's why I haven't.
Sorry, that's a long post. Just helps to get it off my chest I guess.

He wants to keep life as it is, it suits him. But it doesn’t suit you.
Consider an alternative life. Maybe freedom is the present you need.

Just wanted to wish you a Happy birthday 🎂 🎁

Happy Birthday 🥳 🎈🎉

Thank you for the birthday wishes. Overall I have had a lovely quiet day which is exactly what I want. It was just the reminder this evening that it's not presents I need it's just a little bit of time.
To be fair if he did a complete u-turn and started spending all his time with me I would probably be on here complaining about how he just talks at me about politics, football and his job. Just a happy medium is all I want and maybe to feel like I'm married to a grown up and not a teenager.
Every time I hear the door shut to that room my heart breaks a little bit more as I know that he is blissfully unaware to the fact that one day when he comes looking for me I won't be here. I'm just so tired of being sad but pretending that all is great to the outside world.

You absoltrely have to tell him how you feel OP. Maybe he feels stuck in a rut too and dpesnt know how to go about getting out of it.

Tell him and give him a chance to change

Is he constantly gaming? That would be a massive turn off for me.

What’s he doing in the room? Porn? Gaming?

have you tried doing hobbies outside the house?

He tends to watch the news or a film or read a book. Sometimes he falls asleep early as he does have a job that can be tiring. All of that is totally fine with me. It's the fact that it's everyday. Every morning (takes his morning coffee up there even if I'm sat having mine on the coffee) and throughout the day if not at work (usually watching football) and in the evening.
it's like he's pulled back to the room. Can't think of the last time he sat in the front room with us. He had tea with us tonight but that is rare as it's usually me and the children. If it wasn't every day it wouldn't bother me as I do like my own space too. I just think it's sad as there's so much we don't talk about as he's always in the room.
Ive thought of hobbies but it's hard to commit as I have a really full on job and often take work home with me and I also do like spending time with the children. It is something I do look out for though....

That is odd. But has the room also allowed him to basically not really take responsibility for engaging with the children? 50 children would have been a lot to raise - was this his basic opt out?

regarpdes you’ve got plenty of life ahead to make yourslr
fhapoy

@lemoncheesecakemaker
Happy Birthday OP. I could have written your post 20 years ago. My ex partner had sleep apnea, and it was like coming home from work to an old man, as he kept falling asleep after his evening meal, and sometimes even before he had eaten. We hardly went anywhere together, and I felt more like his housekeeper than his partner. Try starting a new hobby or activity that is just you. Do you like the theatre. or music, or comedy venues? They will distract you. There has been advice that you should talk to your DH, I talked to my ex and he knew i was unhappy, but would not meet me halfway, so we separated.